Together or apart

I happened to read two articles today on the same topic but each speaking a totally different story. Being a subject that I feel quite strongly about I couldn't resist adding my two bits too! And boy do I have quite a bit to say!

One story spoke of the pros and the other of the cons of divorce and each tale was told mostly from the aspect of the misfortunate children involved.

The writer who vouched for couples to struggle through an unhappy, loveless marriage claimed that the children would carry a burden of guilt if forced to be a part of a separation. They would also have to suffer social stigma from peers and in all probability from society as a whole. Their whole lives will change drastically and forever and they will lose out on growing up in a blessed wholesome family. Therefore, she claims, responsible parents should continue to strive and suffer living lovelessly together, to try and try and keep trying. For the sake of the children.

Well, allow me to ask, what about for their own sakes?

Is it fair to guilt parents into suffering an incompetent relationship in the name of the children? Because that's obviously what the writer was doing. 

We all venture into marriage hoping for the best and believing that we've made the right choice. Things may go great at the beginning, but eventually true colours, be it good or bad, are always revealed. Unfortunately by the time most couples realise they're better off apart there would be children in the equation as well.

Sure there's love at first sight but there's no guarantee such love would survive the mundane ordeals of daily living. True sustained love is borne from years of togetherness. And believe me, it doesn't necessarily happen just because you're married to each other. Some couples just about manage to get along despite it all, well kudos to them! Some grow together for the better and find real joy in each other and they're the lucky ones, but in today's world it's unfortunate that such marriages are rare and hard to find because most couples just stride along together, unhappy and broken.

Everybody knows that marriage isn't easy. Nothing ever is. And I believe that we must give in our very best to make it work. After all, this is the person we swore we would be by all through our lives, through sickness and health and all of it. So yes, it needs a lot of work. And patience and oodles and oodles of understanding. But sometimes despite everything you pour into it, it just fails to work. Probably because you discover you have completely different sets of values, that you have absolutely no patience for his interests and he takes no interest in any of yours. Maybe it's your perspectives on parenting that don't meet eye to eye. And in a lot of cases, it's finances. And of course in each issue there's ego too.

The road can get bumpy with just a spark or two.

What many fail to realise is that if each spark is not attended to as and when it lights up then the fire can really get going and by the time you actually decide to react, in all probability, it would be too late. So give in a little, it won't hurt to compromise a bit.

No-one opts for divorce easily because like it or not it depicts you as a failure and no one enjoys being in that hot seat. So I'm pretty sure that each couple that eventually decides to separate would have reached that option after hours and days and perhaps years of careful thought and tremendous pain. Often I wonder, if only we gave even half as much thought to marriage at the time then maybe we would have been far better off now.

Divorce is often the blank wall at the dead end of the road you'd tried to call marriage. You have to pluck up your courage, climb over that wall and discover a whole new world waiting for you on the other side.

Now comes the question, won't the children be affected? Yes of course they would. It's a difficult and trying situation for everyone involved. And it will demand a lot of effort, patience, time and every ounce of love to help the children understand that it was the best choice for all. This lies mostly in the parents' hands. The children need to know and have to be convinced that it's not their fault that their parents can't get along with each other. They need to be assured that the parents love for them would not be affected and they would still be as beloved as always. 

Parents need to understand that how one handles the whole situation is the crux of it all. They need to know that the divorce doesn't just concern them and their feelings but the tender innocent feelings of their children as well. 

Some divorces are unfortunately bitter, filled with pain, anger and spite. Children emerge from such situations scarred, probably for life. Behave like the adults you'd like your children to see you as. Grasp every bit of patience and understanding and work together on moving apart. It's the best way out.

In some cases, where the marriage itself is riddled with arguments, disagreements and fights on a regular basis, the children probably find a lot more peace with the parents apart rather than together. I know of children who fear going back home every evening from school, unable to bear the stress of witnessing their parents fighting yet again without a care that their children are a silent part of the whole scenario. In such cases, the blame of the damage on the child's psyche falls totally on each parent's shoulders and they should have split up far back in time.

As for marriages in a society like India, you don't just have to consider each other or just the children, you also have to deal with the in-laws, neighbours, extended family, society and everybody else. It's no easy task. For those Indian couples who finally call it a day and choose to split up for the better of each other and of the children, well, honestly, they're the ones with the balls. 

You never get everything you want or even need. You mostly make do with what you've got. In many cases that would suffice, because you've got some areas that work well so you just let the rest be. Those are the lucky few. 

But what about those who've got nothing in common at all? Who live under the same roof but rarely sleep in the same bed? Why do they stay together at all then? And in almost all such cases, the claim is it's for the kids.

Well, if kids feel guilty about parents separating, have you ever stopped to wonder about how kids would feel of parents forced to live with each other just for their sakes? 

Don't underestimate children. However young they may be, they are extremely perceptive and are capable of reading and understanding situations correctly. Imagine the guilt they must be suffering knowing that they are responsible for the misery their parents are suffering.

Trust me I know.

Sure kids may constantly hope for the best. They're children, that's all that they can do. Being the third person in the situation they see both sides of their parents' relationship. In their minds they probably feel that if one parent gave in one way and the other the other way then things would be much better. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Because the parents are breathing, thinking, feeling individuals and if they just don't get along then they will never get along.

Sure as I said earlier we all start off with the best of intentions but gradually when one or the other or both fall off the wedded track and continues to stay off it then why prolong the misery?

I believe that we all have just one life. We all have only so many chances to get things right. Like in everything else, if we fail we shouldn't be forced to remain drowned in that failure but should allow ourselves to rise up, step out and away and if possible, try again. After all we all have the right to happiness. Even parents. The responsibility of parenthood should not override your right to happiness and peace of mind.

Why should you be forced to live in a loveless mess when you actually have a choice to do better for yourself? Because no matter what many would say, you do have a choice. 

Now in some cases, the parents may not be happy together at all, but are comfortable being apart while being together. For them marriage is a pretence for the rest of the world to see while at home they are happy as strangers, living separate lives while living together. Many are satisfied in such situations. There are no fights, no arguments, no issues, nothing. Yes, nothing, because there's no love, no companionship, no sex, no joy and eventually no life. They may be fine living like that. For now. But what about tomorrow? Again the blame for their half-baked existence falls on the children. But what about once the children fly the roost? Because that will happen. Such parents only think about their todays. They fool themselves into believing that their tomorrows will be just as fine. They need to realise that life will go on for everyone else especially the children, who will move on to live their own lives. What then? Have you imagined the loneliness that would be your constant companion then? I have seen this happen quite close to home and believe me it's very painful to witness.

I strongly believe that one should not have to grow old alone. And one should not be selfish and demand that children take over their old age. It is only fair that one should therefore have a suitable companion to grow old with. Because eventually that's what marriage is all about. Companionship. A joy and peace of living with someone we know and love. Of growing old with someone who cares for us. Sharing similar tastes, interests and hopes. Making every day a little bit more interesting than the one that just went by.

Now some people choose to stick together till the children are old enough to move on and eventually separate once the children are in a right frame of mind to accept that their parents are not meant to be together, but by then how many years would you have sacrificed? 

Every relationship begins with the best of interests, but eventually if things don't work out then they're allowed to wear off - friendships, partnerships and such are allowed to break then why not with marriages too?

In India, many believe in the concept of arranged marriages, claiming that in times of need entire families step in to help out, but till what extent? Because at the end of it all what actually matters is that the two individuals are compatible. If you ask me I would say that arranged marriages are double the pressure because if it doesn't work out then it proves not just the couple but entire families on either side had failed. 

Many criticise the western way of thinking. Of living together for years before taking the sacred step to marriage. But honestly I sway more to their way of thought. I believe they value the concept of marriage far more. Wouldn't it be far better to be together, understand each other, actually live together and then eventually realise that you can indeed live with each other for the rest of your lives? Rather than just diving in, procreating and then realising you just weren't made out to be together? Of course there's no guarantee that would work successfully either, take Brangelina for instance. 

We all have our own personal take on this. Some say we should pray and pray hard and a way will arise. I am a staunch believer in God, but I also believe that we need to do our bit too. Prayer can work miracles but sometimes we need to know that the miracle lies within us and it's upto us to make it work, one way or definitely the other. Because at the end of the day, it's our life, and no one else's.