But don't ever forget.
At one point or the other in the trip called life we all face betrayal, at times from those who're almost strangers but for most, the enemy turns out to be far closer to home and heart. And believe me, theirs is the worst of betrayals.
Only time and trials reveal true colours and I've learnt many a time, many a hard time rather, that not everyone is selfless or as committed to you as you are to them.
What do you do once you know?
I have my own.
One lesson I've learnt early on in life is that if someone has the audacity to let you down once then be assured they wouldn't hesitate to let you down again.
Yet I forgive. Because that is what my faith teaches me.
However, I do not forget.
And it's not because I am arrogant or egoistic or stubborn or vengeful or childish or anything else.
I'm not out for revenge, in fact I have never borne any vengeance toward anyone because, yet again, my faith assures me that I have a God who will stand for me and avenge me for every wrong done upon me.
I choose not to forget simply because only I can protect myself. And remembering the hurt keeps me from getting hurt again.
I do not have the power to change the character or attitude of another. It is not upto me to prove my worth to someone who chooses not to value it. Therefore I choose to stay away. Just so that I can keep my heart from hurting. I choose to ensure that I do not give such people the opportunity to attack my defenceless self yet again.
When you're let down by those you least expect to abandon you, you're drenched in disbelief. You wage against the treachery, refusing to accept the inevitable truth. Then, as reality sets in it brings in its wake a vicious rage. How dare they let you down??
Eventually the anguish takes over and the pain that follows is deep and scarring.
You will gradually move on with life, and at this stage I often find myself grateful for the awareness that I now own of those I once believed to be kindred souls but who were never really on the same trail.
Many have told me to forgive and forget. Easy to say when you're just the onlooker. Would they do as they preach if they were the victim? Because being in those shoes is a whole different story.
Sure I forgive. I don't think there's a soul that has done me so much wrong that my heart has struggled with the inability to forgive.
But I never forget. In fact I don't even try.
Because the lesson was painfully learnt and to forget meant I was at risk of having to suffer the same pain and learn the same hurtful lesson yet again.
My mind gears up and draws the lines for me, protecting me with a selfish fierceness. Ensuring that distances are maintained and I remain safe.
However I must add, it takes a lot to shake my faith.
I know I am not perfect thus I do not expect anyone else to be perfect either.
Imperfections do not dissuade me from relationships.
I can love with unbridled passion and am faithful to a fault. Once committed, then not much can shake my allegiance. And as mentioned earlier I always forgive and I do forget quite a bit, until it's a bit too much.
You see, I unfortunately possess certain unstated norms that I hold religious when it comes to relationships, and faithfulness stands above all else.
When I am true to you the least I would wish for is for you to be true to me too. But then again, if you're fake and act truthful then how would I ever know the actual truth?
From a very young age I've been selfishly protective of my own peace of mind because my peace concerns only me.
On various sad occasions through the years I've had to witness the revelation of the actual viciously selfish nature of those I believed loved me as dearly as I loved them.
The love is still and will always be within me but the trust will never live on.
There have been some who have bitched about me behind my back for years. Much of what I shared in good faith was shared with others. At times so much was blown out of proportion that I was totally blown when I was finally brought to light.
I would often take so long to accept the truth and in most cases I would relent only when the facts stare at me in the face. I then realise that warning signals had been beeping and blinking violently for a long time but I had been too blinded by my bond to the relationship to see and know and accept the real truth. Eventually I pay dearly. Every time.
You would think once you've covered a couple of decades you would know to choose friends wisely, you would be assured that if you've known someone all your life or you're friends for over a decade then surely you know the other thoroughly enough, but how would you know the wolves if they're cleverly disguised in tailor-made sheep's clothing?
I know I'm nothing great, and of course I am worse than most, but surely a relationship means overseeing all that and loving the other despite it all? At least that is how I love everyone in my life and how I hope to be loved in return.
Anyway, I've slowly accepted life at its terms. These bitter experiences have taught me to be enormously grateful for the many true, beautiful friends standing faithfully by me and with me over the years.
I am grateful that I was the bigger person in every such situation. I chose not to counter-attack such people, for if I do then what would be the difference between them and me? Instead I chose to stay away. The worse the betrayal the further away I drift.
I am grateful that my heart would never concede to being cunning and conniving but chooses merely to carry on and be what I am and do what I can to make my life good.
I am glad that at the end of the day I can be happy with the person that I am. I am what I am. I have my faults but at least I do not pretend, and I definitely do not bitch. If I do indeed choose to bitch then it wouldn't be behind anyone's backs.
Anyway life was moving on happily until recently a careless comment by someone I wished understood me better declared I forgive and forget hence this post!
Yes I will forgive. I already have. Those who betray can't help being fake. That is their imperfection, God knows I have mine so who am I to point fingers?
But no, I won't forget. I can't. I shouldn't. The hurt was too much. The deceit was too much. I prefer not to have to learn that lesson again. At least not from the same people.
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