It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.
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