Life lessons

It's been a while since my last post, which is perhaps why this is the perfect comeback for me personally!

Many mothers claim a bond with their unborn babies during pregnancy unfortunately I couldn't count myself as one of them, probably because it had all been way too new and a bit too much for me. The drastic physical changes, the consistent nausea, the lingering tiredness, the abnormal and perpetually swollen feet and of course, the belly that just kept growing larger and larger! Sure, I was thrilled to bits when my baby girl started to move within me but I was still too immature to value the experience more.

But the moment she was born, the moment I held her in my arms for the first time, that was when I knew, my life had changed forever. That was when I truly and completely fell in love for the first time ever; and in that moment I knew that what I felt in my heart was a love meant for always.

I realised then that I now had someone to whom I was committed to for life and longer. Someone who, as tiny as she may be, had claimed complete ownership over me, and whose bond to me was as unique and special as mine was with her.

And since that very moment my heart has never stopped dancing despite the years that have gone by.

It's been such a glorious journey. But to be honest it hasn't always been perfect. I've screwed up way more times than I would like to admit however this much I have to say my dear little one, within the past 18 years you have made a far better person of me than I ever dreamt I could possibly be, and I am always so grateful that God loved me enough to gift me with you. As a mother my greatest wish is to give you all that I have and all that you want. But perhaps the best I can give are the lessons I've learnt from my experiences and more so from my mistakes, so that hopefully you won't have to repeat them!

Before I begin though, allow me to say, my heart fills with so much pride every time I see the beautiful, wonderful person you've grown to be.

Sensible and delightful, you're the calm to my chaos. Of course, and thankfully, you have your own madnesses as well!

Every time I think of you and know you were born of me, my heart swells. Despite your young years, you have so much wisdom and you've taught me so much that I doubt there's much I can say that you don't already know but still, I'd like to give it a shot!

My dear child, just as your life and your dreams are your own, so is your happiness. Do not give anyone the key to your happiness, but keep it close to your heart. Do not expect anyone to take the effort to make and keep you happy at all times because, and this is one of the greatest truths I've learnt about life, your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's. It doesn't matter to anyone else that you be happy as much as it matters to you.

Of course you will find happiness with others, be grateful. But never ever expect too much. Expectations are often the root cause for many a sorrow.

Discover happiness in all that you do and all that you are.

Learn that the small things in life are the most satisfying. A good book, great food, captivating lyrics, soft birdsong, splendid sunsets, gentle rain - all the simple pleasures of life are the sweetest joys ever and the list is endless. Of course there's no harm in relishing a luxury or two, pamper yourself whenever you can, believe me, you will be thankful!

A great joy however is being responsible for a moment of happiness in another. So do what you can to make others happy. Give of what you have and of who you are whenever and wherever possible, learn the art of giving because and trust me here, the joy of giving without expecting or wanting anything in return is beyond words. Be generous, of what you have and who you are, and never demand gratitude in return.

To be happy or to be miserable is truly and eventually your choice so choose wisely because only you can make the right choice for you.

Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future.

It's easy to say that you shouldn't turn back nor should you aspire to the future, but trust me, it's humanly impossible to do for us ordinary people, so just tweak things a bit.

The past is your best teacher. Learn from it. Make the best of the moment you're in and always, always dream to reach the stars because dreams carry you up and ahead.

And that brings me to another important fact. The dreams you dream today for your tomorrows may not necessarily be the dreams you dream in future. Desires, aspirations, wishes, ambitions all change as you grow older and wiser. Don't be obstinate but allow yourself to grow better.

Adapt yourself and all that makes you who are to the situations and circumstances that life takes you through. Always believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

Many a time, too much may be beyond your control, learn to accept what cannot be changed and find happiness in what you are and have at the moment. I have often, and sadly, seen so many people disillusioned and disappointed because they refuse to accept the lives they have and instead of making the best of life they waste all that they have been given.

Always be honest to yourself. Hypocrisy must never be a choice, believe me you don't want to turn against yourself. Stick by your beliefs and principles. Many may not approve. Many may criticise and judge but you know your life best and you know what is best for you. At the end of the day, what others think or say should not matter, what your conscience says is what you should be concerned about because you have to live with yourself. Be aware that what is right for you may not necessarily be right for another and what is wrong to you may seem right to others, it all depends on the perspective. No one is perfect.

Your conscience is the voice of your inner self. Listen carefully and pay heed, you won't be misguided.

People will come and go. Family is god-given and should ideally be with you and by you always. Friends are your choice so, again, choose wisely.

Understand that you are unique and there's no other person exactly like you.

You may have friends who will get along well with the person that you are, be grateful always, for such friends are a grace of God. But also be well aware that differences can arise. Look beyond that, learn to appreciate the similarities and respect the differences. True relationships, committed friends and good people are hard to come by so treasure those in your life.

And remember dear, give respect if you wish to be respected in return.

Hurt will come, and sometimes from those who mean a lot. Just as you can't help being who you are they can't help being themselves. Some may hurt intentionally, others may repent. Always forgive. And for those worth it always be generous with as many second chances possible. Learn from the lessons such experiences teach you and always, always make sure you forgive, right from the depths of your heart, because a vengeful, grudging, brooding, hating, spiteful heart is such a terrible burden to bear.

Always remember that people can and often do change. Many may turn out to be very different from what they seem so, again, be aware.

Let go of what you cannot change. Do not hold grudges, do not carry vengeance, life is way too short so spend your time doing and being what makes you blossom.

Break away from negativity. Seek the positive in even the worst, your free heart will be grateful. And remember, forgive yourself always for all the mistakes and wrongs you may commit. Allow yourself to move on with your heart at peace with you at all times.

Always know the person that you are. Be consciously aware of your immense talents, innumerable gifts and abundant intelligence. Be equally conscious of your weaknesses, shortcomings and incapabilities. Again no one is perfect, including you. Accept the person you are, better what you can, and live in peace everyday with you.

We all do foolish things that we regret, it's only human. Always act upon regret. Make up for an unkind word or deed. Try to make right what you may have done wrong. Try to sleep each night with the knowledge and faith that you have done no wrong to another during the day.

Always treat others with respect, those closest to you deserve your best behaviour and this is a lesson I learnt the hard way! Be sensitive always to the feelings and situations of others. Never take anyone or anything for granted, what you have today may be snatched away tomorrow, so be grateful always.

Never allow pride to step over love. It's so easy to give in to selfishness, and though there may be times when you will be forced to place yourself before others, be wise during such moments and make decisions carefully. Your happiness should not be at the unfair expense of another's pain, especially a loved one's.

It's fine to be stubborn occasionally and especially when you believe you are in the right but the moment you know you're wrong take no shame in admitting so, it will only bring you more love and respect.

When in love, love completely and wholly but wisely. Your heart and your mind should be in perfect synchronicity in a relationship. The moment the balance slips is the moment you should sit up and pay attention. Compromises are a must in every relationship but when compromises are all that there is then it's time to give the situation serious thought. And always remember, though there may be love there must definitely be respect.

Respect is the driving force behind every successful relationship. If you are not respected then you do not belong, it's as simple as that.

Commitments are meant to be kept so be very sure of the commitments you make. Especially in a relationship. Staying committed to a meaningless relationship however makes no sense. Stay on for as long as you believe in it, work hard to make things work for as long as you know it's worth it but if your heart is no longer in it then perhaps it's best for all that you move on.

Be committed to the responsibilities you undertake. Studies, work, family, friends, everything comes with responsibility and with responsibility often comes hard-work and sacrifice. Don't shy away from your responsibilities but take pleasure in them. Be clear of your priorities and give your best as best as you can.

Aim to do what you enjoy. I have seen many people who consider a job to be just that and I know many who are blessed with the fortune of living their passion. If you're not passionate about what you do then a job would be just a tedious effort you're forced to undertake, but if you're fortunate enough to do what you love then each day would be exciting to say the least! And the more you enjoy what you do the better you'll be and the further you'll grow!

Allow yourself to share, of yourself and all that you are with those who place their trust in you. You may be let down but don't let it dishearten you. Love is meant to be shared.

 The greatest pillar of strength in life should and must be prayer.

We have no idea where our tomorrows will take us, we have no knowledge of what lies ahead on this road called life. Place yourself in the hands of the power that can work great miracles simply because you believe. Have faith. In yourself and in God. Believe in the power of prayer. Always wish the best for everyone including yourself and believe that God knows your heart then, trust me, better than the best will be yours.

Life is a discovery, of yourself, your inner self, God and others, try to enjoy every moment to its fullest, hold no regrets for the moments you haven't been your best, always know you are greatly loved for the person you are, not for who you may become, but for just you.

Always forgive..

But don't ever forget.

At one point or the other in the trip called life we all face betrayal, at times from those who're almost strangers but for most, the enemy turns out to be far closer to home and heart. And believe me, theirs is the worst of betrayals.

Only time and trials reveal true colours and I've learnt many a time, many a hard time rather, that not everyone is selfless or as committed to you as you are to them.

What do you do once you know?

I guess we all have our own ways of surviving such bitter experiences.

I have my own.

One lesson I've learnt early on in life is that if someone has the audacity to let you down once then be assured they wouldn't hesitate to let you down again.

Yet I forgive. Because that is what my faith teaches me.

However, I do not forget.

And it's not because I am arrogant or egoistic or stubborn or vengeful or childish or anything else.

I'm not out for revenge, in fact I have never borne any vengeance toward anyone because, yet again, my faith assures me that I have a God who will stand for me and avenge me for every wrong done upon me.

I choose not to forget simply because only I can protect myself. And remembering the hurt keeps me from getting hurt again.

I do not have the power to change the character or attitude of another. It is not upto me to prove my worth to someone who chooses not to value it. Therefore I choose to stay away. Just so that I can keep my heart from hurting. I choose to ensure that I do not give such people the opportunity to attack my defenceless self yet again.

When you're let down by those you least expect to abandon you, you're drenched in disbelief. You wage against the treachery, refusing to accept the inevitable truth. Then, as reality sets in it brings in its wake a vicious rage. How dare they let you down??

Eventually the anguish takes over and the pain  that follows is deep and scarring.

You will gradually move on with life, and at this stage I often find myself grateful for the awareness that I now own of those I once believed to be kindred souls but who were never really on the same trail.

Many have told me to forgive and forget. Easy to say when you're just the onlooker. Would they do as they preach if they were the victim? Because being in those shoes is a whole different story.

Sure I forgive. I don't think there's a soul that has done me so much wrong that my heart has struggled with the inability to forgive.

But I never forget. In fact I don't even try.

Because the lesson was painfully learnt and to forget meant I was at risk of having to suffer the same pain and learn the same hurtful lesson yet again.

My mind gears up and draws the lines for me, protecting me with a selfish fierceness. Ensuring that distances are maintained and I remain safe.

However I must add, it takes a lot to shake my faith.

I  know I am not perfect thus I do not expect anyone else to be perfect either.

Imperfections do not dissuade me from relationships.

I can love with unbridled passion and am faithful to a fault. Once committed, then not much can shake my allegiance. And as mentioned earlier I always forgive and I do forget quite a bit, until it's a bit too much.

You see, I unfortunately possess certain unstated norms that I hold religious when it comes to relationships, and faithfulness stands above all else.

When I am true to you the least I would wish for is for you to be true to me too. But then again, if you're fake and act truthful then how would I ever know the actual truth?

From a very young age I've been selfishly protective of my own peace of mind because my peace concerns only me.

On various sad occasions through the years I've had to witness the revelation of the actual viciously selfish nature of those I believed loved me as dearly as I loved them.

The love is still and will always be within me but the trust will never live on.

There have been some who have bitched about me behind my back for years. Much of what I shared in good faith was shared with others. At times so much was blown out of proportion that I was totally blown when I was finally brought to light.

I would often take so long to accept the truth and in most cases I would relent only when the facts stare at me in the face. I then realise that warning signals had been beeping and blinking violently for a long time but I had been too blinded by my bond to the relationship to see and know and accept the real truth. Eventually I pay dearly. Every time.

You would think once you've covered a couple of decades you would know to choose friends wisely, you would be assured that if you've known someone all your life or you're friends for over a decade then surely you know the other thoroughly enough, but how would you know the wolves if they're cleverly disguised in tailor-made sheep's clothing?

I know I'm nothing great, and of course I am worse than most, but surely a relationship means overseeing all that and loving the other despite it all? At least that is how I love everyone in my life and how I hope to be loved in return.

Anyway, I've slowly accepted life at its terms. These bitter experiences have taught me to be enormously grateful for the many true, beautiful friends standing faithfully by me and with me over the years.

I am grateful that I was the bigger person in every such situation. I chose not to counter-attack such people, for if I do then what would be the difference between them and me? Instead I chose to stay away. The worse the betrayal the further away I drift.

I am grateful that my heart would never concede to being cunning and conniving but chooses merely to carry on and be what I am and do what I can to make my life good.

I am glad that at the end of the day I can be happy with the person that I am. I am what I am. I have my faults but at least I do not pretend, and I definitely do not bitch. If I do indeed choose to bitch then it wouldn't be behind anyone's backs.

Anyway life was moving on happily until recently a careless comment by someone I wished understood me better declared I forgive and forget hence this post!

Yes I will forgive. I already have. Those who betray can't help being fake. That is their imperfection, God knows I have mine so who am I to point fingers?

But no, I won't forget. I can't. I shouldn't. The hurt was too much. The deceit was too much. I prefer not to have to learn that lesson again. At least not from the same people.

The people within me

I've come to the conclusion that two individuals are residing within me and have been for a while. How they manage to coexist though is beyond my understanding. Because despite being special and unique they are poles apart in nature.

They are both extremely strong willed and possess separate well-defined beliefs and ideals yet they are unbelievably inseparable. Maybe that's because they don't have much of a choice, because their very existence demands that they remain intertwined forever.

And no, I do not have a split personality or a doppleganger syndrome.

I merely have a very soft mushy being in me that I call Heart and she has a lifelong reliable companion called Head. They can't do without each other but unfortunately, more times than not, they don't get along well with each other either.

Heart is exactly that. She's soft hearted, carefree and prone to love and to crave love. That's the only language she understands.

Head on the other hand, is sensible, realistic, cautious and has absolutely no time for sentimental nonsense. But don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad guy. In fact he's a great guy. He's kind and giving and caring with the urge to always do what is right. But he's still the guy. Should I say much more?

So Heart's the one who loves the fun while Head prefers to be suspicious of one and all, always on the lookout for danger, choosing to stay safe always. Troubleshooting and security management are his criteria while Heart loves romance, candlelit dinners, glorious sunsets and surprise gifts!

Heart's the impulsive of the two and is always rushing headlong into places Head cringes to even think of being in. He tries to hold her back, he tries reasoning, cautioning, scolding, counselling, he tries pretty much everything but there's only so much that he can do, because despite every advice Heart always turns the deaf ear to him. So all he can pretty much do is hope for the best, grab all his patience together and wait. Because he knows one thing for sure, she'll come back. At times happy and gleeful at her lucky escapades but many times disappointed and let down.

Head never lets Heart down though.

He celebrates with her when she's overjoyed. But he also holds her tight and gives her his shoulder to cry on when she wallows in pain. Head however has a problem, he has a temperament. He often loses control and gives in to terrible bouts of anger and frustration especially when he's overcome with helplessness at his inability to help Heart heal.

But again, Head is almost always the first to pull himself together and thankfully he never allows himself to drown in depression or anxiety for too long. So time and again he takes up the tedious task of coaching Heart, in an effort to pull her out of her misery. He repeatedly and patiently teaches her the lessons of life with presentations, explanations and proof, all in the desperate hope that she would finally learn, amend her ways and stick to life as it should be lived. He tries to show her where she'd gone wrong and where she needs to watch her step and for a short while she actually does pay attention.

But eventually Heart can't help herself and she gives in to the call of love, recklessly throwing all caution to the winds. Again.

Though Heart loves to love, Head is the possessive one. He hates it when Heart is misused or taken advantage of. It frustrates him that she doesn't see how naive she is and how others enjoy taking her for a ride. It hurts him that others don't value the beauty and innocence of all she's got to give. When Heart aches, Head hurts too. He wishes he could keep her all to himself. He wishes she'd be happy with just his company and nothing more. After all, who knew her better than him?

Heart on the other hand finds Head too serious and often tells him to lighten up, loosen up, relax and just enjoy each moment of each day.

She tries to explain to him that every time she fills herself up with hope and expectation, she's actually living. And though it hurts to be let down so often, she still has no regrets. Sure she'll cry and sob, but that's her way of getting over the pain because in a day or two she's ready to pick herself up, brush herself down and plunge right into the next ride. With the strong perpetual belief that this ride would be a glorious one.

She tries reasoning with him, as she tells him that that's the way she is, that's the way she has to be.

She needs to be full of love, expecting love, giving love. Birthing hope. All the time. That's the only way she can exist, the only way she can be happy.

Head always listens to her with patience. And since he believes he's the one with the intelligence, he actually feels he understands her. But he still can't help doing all he can to protect her. Because when Heart is hurt, Head feels the ache. So he is always planning and plotting. Working and reworking on how to secure every situation Heart finds herself in so that Heart would always be the beneficiary at the end. He's a sweet one, our Head. And Heart loves him dearly. Maybe it's because she knows she can always count on him that Heart knows she can spread her wings and fly, because she knows she has her sturdy dependable security net laid out beneath her wherever she may be. 

They're an amazing pair. So different yet so perfectly matched. So perfectly balanced.

When I ponder on them, my soul is struck with the realisation that Head and Heart are all I need for the perfect balanced existence. A happy peaceful existence. 

Realities learnt.

It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.