Life lessons

It's been a while since my last post, which is perhaps why this is the perfect comeback for me personally!

Many mothers claim a bond with their unborn babies during pregnancy unfortunately I couldn't count myself as one of them, probably because it had all been way too new and a bit too much for me. The drastic physical changes, the consistent nausea, the lingering tiredness, the abnormal and perpetually swollen feet and of course, the belly that just kept growing larger and larger! Sure, I was thrilled to bits when my baby girl started to move within me but I was still too immature to value the experience more.

But the moment she was born, the moment I held her in my arms for the first time, that was when I knew, my life had changed forever. That was when I truly and completely fell in love for the first time ever; and in that moment I knew that what I felt in my heart was a love meant for always.

I realised then that I now had someone to whom I was committed to for life and longer. Someone who, as tiny as she may be, had claimed complete ownership over me, and whose bond to me was as unique and special as mine was with her.

And since that very moment my heart has never stopped dancing despite the years that have gone by.

It's been such a glorious journey. But to be honest it hasn't always been perfect. I've screwed up way more times than I would like to admit however this much I have to say my dear little one, within the past 18 years you have made a far better person of me than I ever dreamt I could possibly be, and I am always so grateful that God loved me enough to gift me with you. As a mother my greatest wish is to give you all that I have and all that you want. But perhaps the best I can give are the lessons I've learnt from my experiences and more so from my mistakes, so that hopefully you won't have to repeat them!

Before I begin though, allow me to say, my heart fills with so much pride every time I see the beautiful, wonderful person you've grown to be.

Sensible and delightful, you're the calm to my chaos. Of course, and thankfully, you have your own madnesses as well!

Every time I think of you and know you were born of me, my heart swells. Despite your young years, you have so much wisdom and you've taught me so much that I doubt there's much I can say that you don't already know but still, I'd like to give it a shot!

My dear child, just as your life and your dreams are your own, so is your happiness. Do not give anyone the key to your happiness, but keep it close to your heart. Do not expect anyone to take the effort to make and keep you happy at all times because, and this is one of the greatest truths I've learnt about life, your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's. It doesn't matter to anyone else that you be happy as much as it matters to you.

Of course you will find happiness with others, be grateful. But never ever expect too much. Expectations are often the root cause for many a sorrow.

Discover happiness in all that you do and all that you are.

Learn that the small things in life are the most satisfying. A good book, great food, captivating lyrics, soft birdsong, splendid sunsets, gentle rain - all the simple pleasures of life are the sweetest joys ever and the list is endless. Of course there's no harm in relishing a luxury or two, pamper yourself whenever you can, believe me, you will be thankful!

A great joy however is being responsible for a moment of happiness in another. So do what you can to make others happy. Give of what you have and of who you are whenever and wherever possible, learn the art of giving because and trust me here, the joy of giving without expecting or wanting anything in return is beyond words. Be generous, of what you have and who you are, and never demand gratitude in return.

To be happy or to be miserable is truly and eventually your choice so choose wisely because only you can make the right choice for you.

Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future.

It's easy to say that you shouldn't turn back nor should you aspire to the future, but trust me, it's humanly impossible to do for us ordinary people, so just tweak things a bit.

The past is your best teacher. Learn from it. Make the best of the moment you're in and always, always dream to reach the stars because dreams carry you up and ahead.

And that brings me to another important fact. The dreams you dream today for your tomorrows may not necessarily be the dreams you dream in future. Desires, aspirations, wishes, ambitions all change as you grow older and wiser. Don't be obstinate but allow yourself to grow better.

Adapt yourself and all that makes you who are to the situations and circumstances that life takes you through. Always believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

Many a time, too much may be beyond your control, learn to accept what cannot be changed and find happiness in what you are and have at the moment. I have often, and sadly, seen so many people disillusioned and disappointed because they refuse to accept the lives they have and instead of making the best of life they waste all that they have been given.

Always be honest to yourself. Hypocrisy must never be a choice, believe me you don't want to turn against yourself. Stick by your beliefs and principles. Many may not approve. Many may criticise and judge but you know your life best and you know what is best for you. At the end of the day, what others think or say should not matter, what your conscience says is what you should be concerned about because you have to live with yourself. Be aware that what is right for you may not necessarily be right for another and what is wrong to you may seem right to others, it all depends on the perspective. No one is perfect.

Your conscience is the voice of your inner self. Listen carefully and pay heed, you won't be misguided.

People will come and go. Family is god-given and should ideally be with you and by you always. Friends are your choice so, again, choose wisely.

Understand that you are unique and there's no other person exactly like you.

You may have friends who will get along well with the person that you are, be grateful always, for such friends are a grace of God. But also be well aware that differences can arise. Look beyond that, learn to appreciate the similarities and respect the differences. True relationships, committed friends and good people are hard to come by so treasure those in your life.

And remember dear, give respect if you wish to be respected in return.

Hurt will come, and sometimes from those who mean a lot. Just as you can't help being who you are they can't help being themselves. Some may hurt intentionally, others may repent. Always forgive. And for those worth it always be generous with as many second chances possible. Learn from the lessons such experiences teach you and always, always make sure you forgive, right from the depths of your heart, because a vengeful, grudging, brooding, hating, spiteful heart is such a terrible burden to bear.

Always remember that people can and often do change. Many may turn out to be very different from what they seem so, again, be aware.

Let go of what you cannot change. Do not hold grudges, do not carry vengeance, life is way too short so spend your time doing and being what makes you blossom.

Break away from negativity. Seek the positive in even the worst, your free heart will be grateful. And remember, forgive yourself always for all the mistakes and wrongs you may commit. Allow yourself to move on with your heart at peace with you at all times.

Always know the person that you are. Be consciously aware of your immense talents, innumerable gifts and abundant intelligence. Be equally conscious of your weaknesses, shortcomings and incapabilities. Again no one is perfect, including you. Accept the person you are, better what you can, and live in peace everyday with you.

We all do foolish things that we regret, it's only human. Always act upon regret. Make up for an unkind word or deed. Try to make right what you may have done wrong. Try to sleep each night with the knowledge and faith that you have done no wrong to another during the day.

Always treat others with respect, those closest to you deserve your best behaviour and this is a lesson I learnt the hard way! Be sensitive always to the feelings and situations of others. Never take anyone or anything for granted, what you have today may be snatched away tomorrow, so be grateful always.

Never allow pride to step over love. It's so easy to give in to selfishness, and though there may be times when you will be forced to place yourself before others, be wise during such moments and make decisions carefully. Your happiness should not be at the unfair expense of another's pain, especially a loved one's.

It's fine to be stubborn occasionally and especially when you believe you are in the right but the moment you know you're wrong take no shame in admitting so, it will only bring you more love and respect.

When in love, love completely and wholly but wisely. Your heart and your mind should be in perfect synchronicity in a relationship. The moment the balance slips is the moment you should sit up and pay attention. Compromises are a must in every relationship but when compromises are all that there is then it's time to give the situation serious thought. And always remember, though there may be love there must definitely be respect.

Respect is the driving force behind every successful relationship. If you are not respected then you do not belong, it's as simple as that.

Commitments are meant to be kept so be very sure of the commitments you make. Especially in a relationship. Staying committed to a meaningless relationship however makes no sense. Stay on for as long as you believe in it, work hard to make things work for as long as you know it's worth it but if your heart is no longer in it then perhaps it's best for all that you move on.

Be committed to the responsibilities you undertake. Studies, work, family, friends, everything comes with responsibility and with responsibility often comes hard-work and sacrifice. Don't shy away from your responsibilities but take pleasure in them. Be clear of your priorities and give your best as best as you can.

Aim to do what you enjoy. I have seen many people who consider a job to be just that and I know many who are blessed with the fortune of living their passion. If you're not passionate about what you do then a job would be just a tedious effort you're forced to undertake, but if you're fortunate enough to do what you love then each day would be exciting to say the least! And the more you enjoy what you do the better you'll be and the further you'll grow!

Allow yourself to share, of yourself and all that you are with those who place their trust in you. You may be let down but don't let it dishearten you. Love is meant to be shared.

 The greatest pillar of strength in life should and must be prayer.

We have no idea where our tomorrows will take us, we have no knowledge of what lies ahead on this road called life. Place yourself in the hands of the power that can work great miracles simply because you believe. Have faith. In yourself and in God. Believe in the power of prayer. Always wish the best for everyone including yourself and believe that God knows your heart then, trust me, better than the best will be yours.

Life is a discovery, of yourself, your inner self, God and others, try to enjoy every moment to its fullest, hold no regrets for the moments you haven't been your best, always know you are greatly loved for the person you are, not for who you may become, but for just you.

Yet again I say, always always forgive

I must say, the response to an earlier post of mine was quite overwhelming, in fact it left me speechless, which believe me, is saying a lot!

I received so many personal messages and mails from many I know and from many others I haven't yet met, and most of them supported my stand and shared my views. However a few dear ones took things a notch further and claimed that they could feel pain in my words. And then there were a few others who stated that I should just let go, apparently they got the impression that I'm still down and depressed over relationships long dead.

All in all, I feel compelled to set things straight.

Believe me, I do not dwell on the past. Life has proved to me that every day that comes is better than the day that's passed. So I prefer to live in the present as best as I can and hope for the best in the times ahead. It isn't easy especially during those times when the past sweeps its way in, but most of the time I manage. If I'm happy or sad, angry or just down I prefer to live in the mood and not relive it.

The hurt from betrayal can be long and painful, but the more you fan the flames the longer the pain lives on and that just won't take you anywhere other than to deeper agony, terrible remorse and a pitiful existence. But don't try suppressing your feelings either, trust me that doesn't help at all. Instead take the effort to focus on the better things in life and allow things to settle down naturally. Understand that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. It may take time but you will heal. Before you realise it you would have moved happily on.

We all take a thing or two from the past for keeps. Fond memories, treasured moments and in cases of hurt - the lessons learnt.

I've been let down painfully by family, those closer than family and a few friends. Thankfully, I've tried to learn from the experiences and the biggest lesson they taught me was to realise how wonderful my other relationships were!

For everyone you lose you gain someone far better.

Gradually I stopped missing those who had chosen not to value my worth and soon I was grateful for their exit because they left behind a space that was filled by those far more deserving.

Therefore I say, be thankful for everyone who loves you and is with you and by you, they are worth your time, love and efforts. But be even more grateful for those who are no longer a part of your life, believe me, your world is far better without them.

Some may hurt you unintentionally, have the heart to forgive and the grace to give several second chances if need be, but only until your faith in them remains. There may come a time when they cross the line of no return. In which case close the door behind them.

You cannot control the loyalty of another. No matter how you are to them do not expect them to treat you likewise.

You may love with all your heart and soul but always know that you cannot compel another to love you in the million ways you long to be cared for. You can only teach yourself to be satisfied with the little they give. Not because that is what you deserve but because they have chosen to value you at only so much. They may mean the world to you but if they choose another over you then have the ability to know that it's their loss. It isn't your fault. Don't ever allow another to decide your worth.

What is right and correct by you may not be so for others.

Accept that just as you can't help being the person that you are, others can't help the way they think or behave.

Understand that ego is an ugly beast that rears its vicious head even in the most innocent of hearts. Do not allow it to reside within you, for then what would be the difference between you and those who have turned against you?

Always be the bigger person. Forgive. Always. Not for their sakes but for yours. The peace of mind that is born from a forgiving heart is but bliss.

Let go of the anger. Have faith in bigger greater things. I do. My faith is my strength.

There had been a time when I was accused of being a dark carrier of misfortune, so much so that I too ended up believing in it. But divinity saved me, revealing to me how, on various occasions, I was but the opposite.

Have no regrets because everything that happens always happens for the best.

Choose to let go of the ugly and the ugliness they bear. I delight in the better things in life. After all we have just one life so live it as well and as happily as you can. With those who know you and love you for who you are. You have no time to waste on the rest.

Do your best to right every wrong, but if it is beyond you then allow yourself to let go and move on, believing that a brightness awaits you at the turn of the corner ahead.

My biggest vices are my possessiveness and my insatiable greed for more love from those I love. The former has ruined the best and the latter added in the dirt. But still I shamelessly declare, this is me and this is the me I'll always be.

Once bitten twice shy as they say! To the winds with them I say!

Love as freely and as wildly as you wish! The world is so full of people who deserve to be loved with abandon.

Just be cautious with those who've caused pain. Remember lessons taught. Not for vengeance or revenge but merely to protect yourself from being hurt again.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier post, if they've betrayed you once they will not hesitate to hurt you again.

Why tumult yourself with all that pain yet again? You've learnt their true colours, you've experienced the pain they've caused, you've seen how low they'll stoop, love yourself enough to protect yourself from them henceforth.

Hence always remember to forgive but to never forget. For your own sake.

Let the pain leave but hold on to the lessons learnt.

Understand that everyone is selfish. Some will be with you only when they have the need, your needs will not matter. Others do what they can for their own betterment and if you are a rung on their ladder then they will have no qualms slamming you down in their efforts to climb up.

Don't allow them to beat you down. Instead believe that you and the person that you are will eventually take you to the top and the truth will be revealed.

One thing I always bear in mind is that I too may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another. No one is perfect, least of all me. This thought alone helps me forgive.

When I look back to the experiences that have the shaped the person that I've become I am truly grateful for those who have loved me unconditionally and for those who have chosen not to.

I believe I am greatly blessed and therefore I know I am beloved to God. Today I have wonderful friends, a loving family, a great job, a fabulous home and the foresight to believe that each new day brings new joys. I am happy. My heart is free. And that's the way I would always want to be.

It's all about friendships!

My dad has always been a loner, happy in his own company and distrusting of anyone who tried to get too close. His justification for his attitude was that no one could possibly be a true friend. He strongly believed that everyone including himself feigned affection merely to attain their means and needs. Once used and useless, the friendship becomes meaningless.

I however have always scoffed his take, having always chosen to see the better of everyone. For as long as I can remember friends have always played a major role in my life. Many of my dearest and closest friends have been with me and by me for many long years. They share my fears, secrets, desires, joys and everything else that makes me the person that I am. And there isn't a moment in my life that I am not grateful for their presence, because this great bunch of people have always chosen to see beyond my imperfections, which, trust me, isn't easy!

I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.

A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.

As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.

But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.

Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!

You would think that knowing someone quite well for many years would make you an expert on their character, right? Wrong! You could know someone for a decade and even believe you were the closest of friends only to turn around and find a total stranger there instead.

No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.

And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.

Watch out for liars.

Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.

As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.

Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.

I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.

Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!

Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.

Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.

Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.

Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?

Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.

There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.

Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.

Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.

If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.

No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.

Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.

If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.

Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.

It's as simple as that.

What Every Other Woman Wants

Some women probably feel they're above and beyond silly sentiments hence the title of this post, so for those of you who thought I'm talking about the needs of 'the other woman', sorry but you'll have to think again because I'm talking about the, well, rather many things most women want, expect and definitely hope to have from the man they choose to love.

And believe me I'm talking not just from my own personal view but from conclusions drawn over years of innumerable discussions on related topics with many many members of the fairer sex and with many many unfortunately ignorant men as well!

So if you're a guy and you believe you love a woman and if, from the heart, you wish to be her every happiness then maybe this post will help.

I guess we all know that every relationship needs continuous, consistent and constant efforts for sustenance and growth. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you can rest easy, believe me, no self-respecting woman will suffer negligence! Therefore be prepared to be on your toes most of the time!

Always remember that she could have chosen to be with any man but she chose to be with you. So there is definitely a lot about you that meets with her approval, but that doesn't make your job any easier because for her to stay on with you is eventually in your own hands. Also, on the many madly frustrating occasions that you're tempted to just throw everything to the winds and walk away, remember you chose to love her too so there's a lot to her that you adore, that you may never find in anyone else. Thus, if she truly matters then everything about her has to matter too. You cannot be selective.

The one thing you need to do is take the effort to understand her, and almost everything else will fall in place.

I know this is perhaps beyond the greatest capacities of most average men but believe yourself to be beyond average.

Remove yourself from your shoes and try wearing hers for a change.

A tip to make this easier - think not with the head but with the heart.

Her needs, her thoughts and her feelings will then appear quite simple and not the complicated complexities that you thought them to be. So drag in deep breaths, call forth all your patience, sit down, hold her in your arms and listen, yes, actually listen, to what she has to say. Don't listen only to find points to push your case, listen so that you can figure out what her case is all about.

And that brings us to the one thing you will then need to have in abundance, patience.

She will have a hundred issues and most of them will probably seem absurdly ridiculous to you, she will probably bring them up at the most importune of moments, and those are the very moments when you need to have infinite patience.

You may believe that you have far better things to do with your time and you may itch to walk away and stay away till she comes back to her senses. These are normal male reactions to such situations, but this is where I plead that you remember you love her.

If you chose to be happy with her then you must accept that you will have to work at keeping her happy too.  I've seen many men holler and yell and be outright rude, creating irreparable messes when all that was needed was some patience. Shutting her out, ignoring her and worst of all, abusing her will only push her away in ways you will later regret.

Now most men would claim that she pushed them to such levels. That she started the fight. That she egged him to lose control. Well, all I can say is, you're not in the eighth grade anymore. Who cares who started it all when you contributed to it too?? In the end it doesn't matter who started an argument, what matters is that the two of you work together to end it, because eventually both of you will either suffer or rejoice. Not one alone is ever the loser.

Of course no one is perfect and there will definitely be occasions when you will lose control and you would probably let loose far more steam than you should. If you ever regret the way you behave, then make sure you let her know. If you feel remorse then apologise. Once again remember this is the woman you love, the woman who loves you too. There is no shame in apologies but they must be sincere, don't apologise just for the sake of it, it won't mean a thing. If she loves you she'll know if you're true.

No ego should come in the way of love. You don't want to end up alone with just your bloated ego for company. Most relationships suffer tremendously because one partner chooses to value their ego more than the other. That's a downhill road for sure. Avoid it under all circumstances.

If you believe you love her, do not hesitate to give your heart to her. Take the risk. That's what being in love is all about. You may fear getting hurt, you may be tempted to keep a bit of you to yourself. Whatever for?

If she has unhesitatingly given you all that she is then by all means let her own your soul. Allow her to know your imperfections. Let her see your visions, let her read your thoughts and dream your dreams. Let her be your partner in every way. Share everything that you are. Be a couple. Truly.

But don't let it be all about you always. Encourage her to share all that she is too. Take the time and have the need to know her. Don't just hear her but listen to her. Don't pretend interest but be interested and if you don't really care then maybe you should think over the whole relationship, because you could not be not interested in the woman you believe you love. And remember, no woman is a fool. She will know if you're genuinely keen in all of her or just parts of her!

Don't take her lightly, but take pride in the fact that she wants to share all that she is with you, value her and let her know that you genuinely want to be a part of her.

I believe respect is the main ingredient to a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps even more necessary than love. Earn her respect and learn to respect her back. Revere her individuality. Recognise her values and respect her views. It is not mandatory that you should agree on everything. Give her her space and develop the ability to love her despite your differences. Every time you treat her unfairly, every time you choose to brush her away, you only end up losing her respect, slowly but surely. You don't want that, not if she really matters.

Value her opinions. Most women are unfortunately strongly opinionated. Suggestions, ideas and even directions will probably be delivered in abundance. You may not want it all, you may not even want any of it, but give her the benefit of your attention and don't be brash when you let her know you've decided to override her views. Some women may react badly, which brings us to the next necessity of  loving a woman the way she needs to be loved.

Every woman has an Achilles heel. I mean, there'll be a way to reach within each woman, going past her complexities and winning her over. And may I point out here that sex is definitely the one way it definitely is not.

Some women understand logic, some just need tenderness. Some need explanations, others want expressions, some honesty, others kindness and so on. Take the time to figure out the route to her soul, it's for your own good. You need her to be on your side. And she needs to be made aware of how important she is to you.

It won't hurt to do it the one way it will work because it can't and won't work the way you want it to.  If you choose not to take the effort, she will withdraw. And where there was once heat and passion there will be just silence. Silence from a woman, any woman, is not a good sign. You may believe you achieved your goal but nope, you would have actually lost much more because you would have convinced her that you don't care, and she will draw into herself and away from you.

Aggression may seem the manly option, but you will not be bulldozing your will on her, you will be bulldozing her way away. You may believe that your way works because she's stopped arguing, she's adjusted to your preferences and she's given up her take, believe me her take is not the only thing she would have given up on and the only reason she's still with you is not out of helplessness but love. And love does not survive on its own. So for both your sakes meet her halfway.

There will be countless times when she will annoy you beyond belief. Have the heart to forgive her. Because, yes! she's the woman you love!!

Now no matter how mature, or sensible or levelheaded, or practical she is, there is one thing every woman loves. And that's none other than some mushy romance. So you're not romantic? You don't believe in birthdays or Valentine's? Flowers and gifts are a waste of time? Fine. But do those things matter to her? If they do and if she's made you aware of it then it won't hurt to take the effort once in a while to do things her way. I'm talking of just a day or two in a year, is that so difficult to do? Just because she doesn't say anything anymore does not mean it doesn't matter anymore, it just means she loves you enough to choose to honour your take. She cares so much for you that she's sacrificing the little joys she actually longs for. All I ask, would it hurt to go out of the way and do something for her in a way you know she would enjoy? After all.. uh huh, she's the woman you love! Don't just claim you would do anything to keep her happy, go out there and do as you preach.

Now some men do take efforts. They do go out of their way and they do care to be giving. The glow on their woman's face is testimony to the efforts they took.

But some men don't really bother to find out if it's what she would like. Nope, they just go ahead and do what they 'think' is best for her. Listen up, she's no idiot. She's not a dummy to be moulded to suit your tastes and preferences. She's a living, breathing, thinking individual who has pretty much a clear idea of what she is and what she wants. Does she really matter to you? Then take the time to find out what she would like, how she would want to be loved, where she would love to go, honour her sentiments, at least once in a while, and realise for yourself what your effort means to her. Besides it's not just the effort but the thought behind it as well.

Be it a romantic candlelit dinner, handpicked flowers, or a quiet walk down the beach.

Even the smallest thing can go a mile.

You may not believe in birthdays, and celebrations may seem like a chore you're forced to repeat every year.  Dates may easily be moved about to suit conveniences. Don't push it till she's given up hope and has accepted that this is all she is to get. Doesn't she deserve more? Don't just do anything, do something that will actually make a difference. Not just once, but once in a while.

If you love her, she mustn't be made to wait, if she needs you then everything else needs to wait.

Some guys then claim that she is never satisfied and demands all their time and attention especially when they have far more important things to do. Really??

Do not take her or her love for granted. How many women have loved you the way she does?

Many men declare their woman to be their biggest priority yet they constantly fail to place her needs above everything else. Which beggars the question, what exactly does he mean then? Most of the time, her needs are put aside for others. Perhaps because he is confident he will always have his tomorrows with her. How sure are you that there will even be a tomorrow? What can be done today should and must be done today. Grab every opportunity you can to love her. Does she restrict her love for you? If not then she deserves the same in return.

Some men believe that they're doing their best and they point-blank refuse to do anything more. Believe me if you were doing your best she would be the happiest woman ever. If she's not happy then perhaps your best isn't good enough and you need to do more. Which then leads men to claim that she's never satisfied. Stop for a moment and think things over. You're probably doing what you want and believe to be the best for her, try doing what she would like for a change.

Promises can easily be made without hesitation, and if you've made a promise don't just make it but keep it. If she demands to know why she's been kept waiting on something she'd been promised, don't see her as demanding, aggressive, greedy, selfish and everything else. Point being, women take promises seriously. If you have no intention of living up to them then don't promise her anything. She will hold you up to it, whether you like it or not.

Now my next point is very important, so pay attention, humour works at bettering relationships, of course. But laugh with her, not at her. She's not in a relationship with you to entertain you. And if she's upset and in no mood for laughter then the last thing she needs is a joke on her. If the need is hers then give her the sentiment she needs not the one you want to give.

Don't be judgemental. Don't let one or two instances rule your opinion of her. She deserves better. Surely there would be hundreds of instances where she's proved her worth.

Know your woman. Express your affection in every way you can, but most importantly in ways that you know she enjoys. If she loves to be hugged or kissed or if she just loves holding your hand then give in to her, at least once in a while. Her smile would make it worth it.

No relationship is without arguments or fights. And there will be times when she throws her hands up. If you really do love her, don't let her go. Pride should not come in the way. Let her know you need her, that you won't let her go. That may be all that she's needing too. If she always has to keep coming back on her own, you may believe you're winning, but believe me you're not. She's giving in, not just to you but to herself. And eventually there will come a time when she doesn't turn around and you'll be left waiting in vain.

Some men actually think they're superior. They like to prove that they 'wear the pants' in the relationship. Nonsense is the one word I have for that.

In today's day and age. every individual, man or woman, is equal. Respect must be mutual. Love is to be shared. Give her her due and she will give you yours. You are two different people from different backgrounds, families and pasts. Value the fact that you are together today despite it all. Accept that you have different tastes, likes and interests. Enjoy the various and myriad things you are fortunate to share a similar take on. Take pride in the fact that a beautiful, talented and intelligent woman has committed herself to you. If she enjoys movies then let her be, she probably doesn't bother you when you're watching the news. If she lets you sleep early while she reads in bed then let her sleep in when you awake early. Some men take years to figure all this out and that's a shame.

Just because she dresses the way you like, or allows you to advise and guide her, doesn't mean she's weak. She chose to value your tastes and opinions, value her for that.

And that brings us to yet another major player in relationships, money. Yes, money unfortunately plays a big role in most relationships and often it's the role of the villain. Women have this inbuilt need to be taken care of. However independent or professionally successful she may be, she relishes the belief that she has a man to take care of her. She cherishes the security. It's a part of her chemistry. If you can afford to give then give and give wholeheartedly. Do not place limits. Does she limit the love she has for you? If you believe she is your partner then she has every right to you and all that you are and all that you have. But if you believe you deserve her gratitude in return then please don't bother giving. Because if you want her to be grateful then how much of gratitude should you express in return for all the love and all the sacrifices and all the thousands of things she willingly gives to you? Right from satisfying the needs of your body to fulfilling the urges of your soul. Just because some things cannot be evaluated doesn't mean they have no value so don't put a price tag to everything you do.

There will be a million things that you don't like about her but there are obviously a zillion more things that you absolutely adore in her. Many men constantly harp on the imperfections but fail to mention the good things, they actually expect her to figure that part out on her own. Big mistake. If you can tell her what you can't stand about her then you have to balance it with clarity on what you love about her. If not then don't bother saying anything at all because if it's always all negative she will eventually lose faith in your love for her. You may enjoy being the critic, but criticism especially when dressed with sarcasm is painful, more so when it is not countered with even the slightest of appreciation.

As they say, wild flowers grow in lavish abundance without assistance or care, but a beautiful rare orchid needs daily attention to bloom and blossom, likewise, if you've been lucky enough to have a wonderful woman then she has to have your attention. Your relationship with her needs to be valued and treated with importance.

Some relationships are buried under the mundane dullness of everyday living. Take the effort to bring love and affection into everything you share and do. Keep the romance alive and the passion burning. And not just in bed!

I'ms sure many men would probably find this post rather unfair, all I say is remember the woman you love. Remember the many many things she's done for you and for your relationship. Remember the joys you share. The happiness she brings you. Has she been there for you to hold your hand, to listen to you, to care and to love when you needed it all? Has she smiled with pride at your successes? Has she been your strength and comfort at your time of despair? Has she been a voice of support and sense when you needed guidance? Has she dropped everything to be with you at your time of need? Has she put aside her needs so you could happily satisfy yours? Has she respected your opinions and ignored her own? Are you convinced that you own her heart? Then maybe you'll agree that it's high time you let her know she would always rule in yours.

You are not competing with her to prove who is stronger or who is more dominant. You are in love with her and you want to have a beautiful life with her. Don't demand that she be the perfect person for you, work to be the perfect person for her. Isn't that what love is all about? Tweak yourself a bit and she will dedicate her life and heart to you. What more do you really want?

For better or for worse. Really?

There's one thing I'd really like to know, how do you make it work?

Amidst the regular exchange of gossip, gibberish and heartache during a recent stress busting chat with a girlfriend I suddenly joked that I'd wished I were gay, if only so I would have a partner who understood me. Maybe I reasoned, if we were of the same sex then we'd understand each other better? Honestly, I so envy the couples that actually make it work, gay or not, and I wonder, how do they do it?

Trust me it's tough being stuck with people who absolutely refuse to even attempt to understand you, yet who selfishly expect you to live selflessly by their terms. But looking around me I realise that there are actually so many people living just like that. On the terms of another. Putting their own emotions, needs, wishes and everything else on hold. Giving in to the aggressive demands of the stronger partner, perhaps because they are too dependent, or maybe because confrontation scares them or maybe because there's still too much of love within them to do what's sensible - value themselves and move on, with their heads held high.

Yet there are indeed a few that are brave enough to take the call. To decide that they've had enough. And they choose to face the storm and move on, come what may. I applaud them. For they opt not just to listen to their own hearts but to walk alone, against the norms and stipulations of society, family, friends and everyone else.

Such individuals, a few that I am lucky to call friends, have gone ahead and decided that they've had enough. That heartache and suppression and pain and disappointment and most of all the disrespect is just beyond what they deserve.

Why are there so many failed relationships?

What is it that comes between two loving hearts?

Why is it that a relationship that starts off so beautifully eventually ends up in such a painful disaster?

I've often had the opportunity of being with both hurt parties and each has his or her points to stress upon. And in most times I've seen that nothing is sudden. Most break-ups are the result of long suffering situations where eventually the sufferer decides she or he has had enough. And the other is left wondering what went wrong yet still refusing to accept any responsibility.

In most cases, I've come to understand that ego is the culprit.

Ego pulls the blinds down and prevents you from seeing the pain you're causing the one you claim you love.

Ego prevents you from apologizing, even when you know you've done wrong.

Ego demands you be understood even when you fail to understand.

Ego forces you to point your finger at the other and refuses to notice that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at you.

Ego tells you you're perfect and that you can do no wrong and thus ensures you screw up the most precious relationship you have.

Ego demands that you hurt the one person you love the most and eventually you're left all alone, just you and your ego.


Another sad factor is that most partners take it upon themselves to decide what is best for the other.

They refuse to accept that their partner probably wants something else completely.

A friend of mine sat me down and told me blatantly that he had always bought his wife the best of jewelry and clothes, that he ensured he cleaned the house (and her wardrobe!), and in his mind this raised him to the status of a perfect husband. He failed to see that she wanted something else totally. Her needs from her man went far beyond a clean kitchen. It did not even occur to him to even try and understand what her needs were. Yet his biggest complaint was that she failed to understand his needs.

Could that be what is going wrong? Are we taking it upon ourselves to decide what is best for the other rather than trying to understand the partner's needs and work on trying to fulfil them?

But then there is another couple that I know well and know for a fact that she goes out of her way to give in to him totally. Allowing him to dictate the terms of their relationship. Faithfully placing the responsibility of her happiness in his hands, under the absolute belief that he would never let her down.

He takes it all but fails to deliver.

His excuse is she's too demanding.

Could that be what is wrong then? Do we demand too much? Much more than we deserve? But then who draws the line on what is deserving?

And then again there's another pair that I know where she has sole responsibility of caring for the children, the home, the finances, all of it. He comes and goes as he pleases. His excuse? Fate. To me it's just plain selfishness.

Maybe that's it then. We're all selfish. We're all thinking of just ourselves. Our own pleasures. Our own needs. And when the needs of one clashes with the needs of the other all hell breaks loose.

How do you strike the right balance?

Why is it so difficult to understand that a relationship can never be one-sided. It's a partnership.

If you want to take then you need to know how to give. And not just give what you want to give but give what the other wants to take.

No one is forced to be committed to another. If someone sticks by you through thick and thin then it is because she chooses to. There is nothing weak in that. If she chooses to move on then there's nothing weak in that either.

Another sad player in the ruin of a relationship is - money.

If she's a working woman then he often allows insecurity and ego to seep in, if she is totally dependent on him then he allows arrogance and authority to rule. And if she chooses to question him then all hell breaks loose. And if she's the sole earning partner then he often ends up seeming weak and dependent and that wreaks havoc on his ego especially if she makes it a point to appear superior.

At times, money problems just add to the existing mess, making it even worse to work things out.

And maybe another major fact that needs to be considered is that often, in relationships, each partner is totally dependent on the other for their own happiness. They fail to comprehend that their happiness eventually lies solely in their own hands. Not in the hands of their parents, siblings, friends, children or even their partner. Everyone can contribute to the happiness of another but cannot and should never take total responsibility. I should be able to decide that come what may I will be happy and no one should have the power to take that away from me. I should believe that I have the right to make myself happy and I don't really need anyone else taking that effort for me.
Once we actually understand that then I believe that a lot of problems and issues would die away.

I have always believed that respect is what holds two people together more than anything else, even love. If you respect another, then you will be able respect her wishes, her needs and most of all her feelings. You would never be able to purposefully hurt her, and in case you do then you should be committed to recompensing the pain.

Making it work

It always starts off so beautifully. The heightened pulse rate, the blushing cheeks, the urge to touch, the need to miss and be missed. Romantic relationships always start off like a rosy dream unbelievably come true.

Nothing feels more beautiful than to know you are wanted. Nothing is more gratifying than your need being reciprocated in equal measure. Those early days are always the best and the most memorable. Time would fly and the world would stand still and no one else would exist beyond the tiny circle of just you and him. Nothing else would matter.

But ensuring that the magic never ends isn't easy, especially after the novelty disappears. Trust me it's pure hard work. A relationship demands that both partners contribute and more often than not one partner would have to allow the balance to tilt in favour of the other. And that unfortunately, is the actual way of life.

But we can still make it beautiful. We can still keep the magic alive. It just depends on how badly you want to. It's all a matter of how much you're willing to accept.

Often we find couples dissipating. Where once there had been just sweet words and loving promises, we find sarcasm and fault finding.

So first, accept that no one is perfect.

Your dream partner has flaws. Weigh the good versus the not so good. If the flaws outweigh the rest then maybe you're with the wrong person but if your heart admires and appreciates him despite his imperfections then just give in a little, compromise a bit. After all, as I said, no one is perfect.

 Accept that every relationship demands compromise, in just about everything. Starting from major issues, like where you work or where you live to what you should wear or even eat.

Everything does not have to go your way. Just because you love each other does not mean you have to share the same points of view or interests. Go out of your way once in a while, it would give you a lot more happiness to make your partner happy than demand happiness from him.

Always ensure that respect has more prominence in the relationship than love.

We often hear of many who do so much for love. What we don't realise is that we can do much more out of respect. In fact it is easier to love someone than it is to love and respect a person. When you respect your partner, you enjoy knowing that you have his love.

Add romance to the relationship.

If it doesn't come spontaneously then make sure you take the effort to purposefully add some spice. Everything dull is brightened with just the right splash of colour. Send him a love message, call him out of the blue, give her a surprise gift, go out for a romantic drive, enjoy sunsets, take walks on the beach, enjoy silence with each other, make time for each other, make sure you tell each other why you love each other. Make sure you both know how much you love each other.

Accept that arguments and fights will happen, after all this is a relationship between two thinking, feeling human beings. Just make sure things do not escalate beyond a limit. When you realise the limits are within reach, go for a pause. Take time out. Breathe. And remind yourself of all the good times, it isn't easy at the heat of things, but do it and then ask yourself, is this argument really worth losing all that?

Accept that it isn't beneath you to give in, to accept mistakes, to apologise. After all if you cannot be honest about being wrong with the one you love then how honest can you be?

Accept that you cannot change another person but if you love someone then it shouldn't be very difficult to change yourself for him.

Accept that if things go wrong both of you are to blame. A relationship does not depend on just one person. It needs both partners to work to make things right.

It's always so easy to give in to negativity. To find fault. To blame. To give in to anger. To allow hatred seep in. Always know that love never disappears. Once born, love never dies. It can't even be killed. It just gets buried under all the negativity and emotion sometimes it gets buried so deep down that you are convinced it's no longer there. But it is. Believe that. It just needs patience and caring and effort to be uncovered and brought out again.

Accept that both of you have contributed to the relationship and never quantify your efforts. Do not cheapen the relationship or the other by pointing out what you've contributed, your partner might do the same and you may find yourself short in coming.

Accept that your relationship is just between the two of you. Do not allow a third person interfere especially if the interference is only for the worst.

Accept that every relationship deserves gratitude.

No one knows your flaws and faults better than you, and to have someone who loves you and chooses to be with you despite it all is a fact you should always be grateful for.

Accept that forgiveness and forgetfulness are the greatest accessories in a relationship.

It is natural to get hurt and to hurt in return in a relationship. Just make sure that you pull yourself up each time you're down, take a deep breath and move forward. Don't look back. What happened is over and done with. Learn from your mistakes, look to your future and keep on working at making things work.

Always believe that where there is love, there will always be a way.

A tough job!

There are times when I really wish there was a Bible on parenting. You know, just the one book that we can follow and be sure that if the principles are obeyed and faithfully acted upon then a happy and prosperous relationship will exist forever between parents and children. No such luck! Instead, we’re left to follow our instincts, our stupid beliefs that what we do and say is for our child’s benefit and most times end up making a mess of things!

Why is it so difficult to accept that the cute little baby who looked up at us with those ever-adoring eyes now prefers Facebook to your company? Since when did she develop a mind of her own when not so long ago she needed you to decide what she was to wear?

When did kids get so smart that they can figure out within seconds how your computer works when it took you ages?

Though the heart longs to make a friend of your child, you can’t curb the maternal instincts that lash out every time she makes a mistake or takes a wrong turn.

When do you stop being a mother? When do you be the friend you believe she needs? Or do you be a mother who’s the friend? Can that really happen?

Do you ever stop worrying?

At first it was mere common colds and indigestions that got you worked up, then it’s exams and school and boyfriends, where does it go from there? The worry never really stops, does it?

And what sort of parent would be the best, the ideal kind of parent? The strict one? The relaxed one? The caring one? Or the one who just lets be?

There are some parents I know who can’t help being strict, they’re so sure they’re doing what’s best for their child that they don’t see how badly the tender relationship they have with their child is deteriorating. They blindly believe that one day the child would know they were only acting in his best interest. But what if that day never came? Then what?

There are some parents who trust their children blindly. Letting them do and be as they please. Allowing them to make their own choices and decisions without guidance or care. Is that really fair? Don’t they see how lost and alone the child is?

And then there are parents who prefer to talk and communicate all the time. Patiently explaining and describing and apparently caring yet never admonishing even when the need for admonition is dire. They refuse to see the sort of menace their child is turning out to be. Is that real parenting?

Who then is the perfect parent?

Why is it so easy to aim to be caring when care is needed, to listen, to love, to scold and to support the one person who’s most important in the life of a parent, and yet when it comes down to the real thing, why is it that the parent loses all sense and control? And ends up doing and saying the stupidest things?

How often do you get the chance to make up for all the parental mistakes you make?

If only there was a Bible on parenting that we could follow blindly. How easy life would be for many, many parents!