Hey you. This is for you.

We all meet all sorts during the course of time, and believe me, I’ve often had to deal with the weirdest of the lot, some of whom were unfortunately pretty close to home. But today I want to talk of one particular breed of people. A breed that I believe are the lowest and the sickest of them all. Stalkers.

They are spineless cowards who feed off the fear they create in the victims they obsess over.

Anonymous letters, mails, calls, even gifts. Threats. These are just some of the ways they operate. And in cases of extreme manifestation stalkers would even approach the victim directly and shamelessly.

Apparently there are various categories of stalkers. There's the stalker who continues to cling on to a previous partner and refuses to accept that the relationship is over. Some stalkers fantasise that another individual is in love with them, and in most cases the latter would be totally ignorant of the obsession, this is often the case of celebrities who're stalked. Other stalkers drown in envy and resent the victim's relationships with others, in such cases, those directly involved with the victim may indirectly turn out to be victims themselves, of the stalker's rage.

Now why am I so obsessed about this?

Well, I want to share an experience that I have been forced to endure sporadically for over ten years.

You're probably thinking that I'm being stalked by a secret admirer, maybe I get anonymous gifts and flowers? Well I wish!!

First of all, my stalker is a woman. Yes. A woman. And I have chosen to share this on my blog because I know she stalks me online as well and I want her to know that I have had enough of her craziness.

I want her to know that I actually feel rather sorry for her but that I no longer have any more patience.

I want her to know that I know exactly who she is. I know who her husband is, who her family is. I know where she lives.

I want her to know that I have compiled an entire dossier of every single letter, mail etc she had the stupidity to send to me over the years.

And I want to make it very clear to her that I have enough evidence against her.

Yes evidence. Because stalking in India is a criminal and punishable offence.

And now, let me rewind and start at the beginning.


She latched onto me almost ten years ago. In the beginning I was an indirect victim, the true object of her obsession was a friend of mine. Gradually I became the main target. My crime? My friendship.

In the beginning she would send anonymous mails, at least she thought they were anonymous because she was stupid enough to think that if she'd sent them from different email addresses I wouldn't be able to figure out who she is.

Each email was traced back to her residential address in Vizag.

She then resorted to calling me, but perhaps because my instincts were on high alert at the time, I could identify her and was on immediate guard.

Her attacks are sporadic, almost periodic. Once a mail or a letter arrived, it would be immediately followed up with one or two more, and then there would be a sudden and absolute silence. Sometimes she would disappear for years, and gradually I would ease up, hoping she was finally done with me until suddenly out of the blue she would start the attack again.

I don't deny that initially she would accomplish what apparently is the motive of every stalker - to terrorise me with such repeated attacks. Because, in the beginning, every time I received a mail or a letter from her I would feel violently violated.

Her language is crass. The sentences clash madly. Each letter carries filthy references to innocent friends, family and colleagues of mine. Each letter is a senseless mess of ugly abuse hurled with such intense hatred and anger that I have often wondered how someone could have so much negativity within them and still survive. Especially someone who had never met me. Each letter proves that she is so severely obsessed with my existence that she stalks me on every possible channel and platform. Every and any presence of mine, online or offline, is minutely scrutinised to such an extent that she's even researched everyone who's associated with me, be it closely or not. She is aware of every picture or post of mine or tagged to me.

Things hit a horrible high, when, around 3 years ago I was sitting at an airport waiting for a flight home and this strange woman approached me. She seemed almost gleeful to have met me and threw several names of people I knew. Being me, I was polite and assumed she was who she claimed to be, a freelance writer, until the conversation started to turn weird. And that was when it struck me. This was that woman. I gave her a clear hint that I had recognised her, she left immediately and that was the last I had heard of her. Until a couple of weeks back. I guess I should have known that if she could succumb to the extreme manifestation of her madness and approach me directly and confidently then she was definitely not going to stop.

The most recent attack was an anonymous letter sent to my office just a few weeks back. This time however, I felt no fear. I felt no anger either. I just felt very sorry for a very very sick individual.

As I read it I realised that she's just a pathetic deranged coward, who is obviously drowning in her mad psychotic fantasies.

She obviously has no idea that there's no point not putting a name to her letters and mails to me, because it can easily and clearly be proved that she's the author of each one. Yes. Today there are language experts who can vouch in courts of law and their testimonies are considered admissible.

You see, I've been doing my research.

I've understood that stalkers have innumerable mental disorders, they are driven by anger, obsession, envy and frustration. Their crazed minds cook up all sorts of madness that justifies their malicious actions in their heads. And in my case, I have also found out that her madness was actually encouraged even more by a couple of individuals who had their own selfish reasons to persecute me.

Anyway, it seems female stalkers are the worst of the sick lot. Most cases show that they can continue to stalk for years and are very difficult to shake off. Well, that's definitely the case in my story.

But I have chosen to take a purposeful turn in the story she's trying to create for me.

So this is my message - I am not afraid of you. I do not give a damn about you. I have lived my life on my terms and I will continue to live my life on my terms. You and whatever you think or do has absolutely no significance to me. No matter what you try you are powerless and worthless to me. I have had enough of you. So I choose to pray for you. I choose to pray for your poor trapped tormented soul. So every time you experience any joy or happiness in your life you will know that that's because I have been praying for you. If you still choose to approach or attack me, directly or indirectly, then I will report you, I will have a case filed against you, I will ensure that you are legally punished for the crimes committed against me. I will inform your family and I will see to it that you are given the help that you obviously and desperately need.

You do not know me. I am far beyond anything you could possibly imagine me to be. I am proud and happy to be me and I enjoy a great peace of mind because I know that whatever you do I will always be happy that I am me.

Selfless or Selfish? What are you?

Over the years we meet many, some stay on while others float away.

Some are kind and strong, others are cruel and weak.

Some help us grow, others break us down.

Because everyone has their strengths, and unfortunately they have their imperfections too.

Often we end up getting too close and too involved before true colours are revealed.

I've realised that the strengths in everyone is often due to selflessness while selfishness is mostly the cause of many a wrong.

I've also realised that you either love or you don't. You cannot love a little or too much. Maybe that's why many mistake fondness and attraction for love and eventually head for disaster. Of course fondness, attraction, obsession and even a casual acquaintance or a regular friendship can grow to be love. In fact, love that is selfish can mature to be selfless too.

Which brings us to the difference in selfless and selfish love.

I've seen many people who believe that theirs is the ultimate love and still go out and wreak total havoc on the very people they claim to love so very much, all because their own happiness mattered more. What could possibly be more selfish?

I've seen kind souls surrender completely, giving up on themselves and giving in to the relentless demands of thoughtless self-indulgent partners only for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of love, for peace - how more selfless can one be?

I had once been selfish too.

There had been a time, when, for a long long time, I had been miserable, and I had unwittingly done everything possible to make the one person I love just as miserable. I had quarrelled and fought, argued and cried, pleaded and begged. All because I believed that I ought to be loved in a specific way, that I deserved to be cared for in my way and therefore no other way was acceptable. I was convinced that I was perfect enough to be important enough. Thankfully I came to my senses before I lost it all.

Perhaps the experiences and attitudes of others around me led me to the light. And I learnt that to truly love was to allow the other to be truly happy, be it with you or because of you or otherwise. For ultimately, in their happiness is your happiness.

And this is true not just between man and woman but between parent and child, between friends, between siblings and in every other relationship that survives on love.

I have watched as loved ones destroyed relationships all in the name of love. Even families have been torn apart solely for one person's selfish interests. What is worse is even children have not been spared. Innocence is ripped up and children who should be allowed to grow in joy and security are dragged into bitter messes, pitched by one parent against the other, again, all in the name of love.

I've listened to friends share their aching hearts, hurting because the one they love does not love them back the way they want or believe they need. Amidst all the pain they fail to see that everyone is different. Each one thinks, feels, dreams and loves differently. It just takes an effort - to understand how the other loves best and to love back as best as you can in every way you know. No two people are the same, however much you may love each other. Your thoughts, opinions, beliefs and needs are different. The more compatible you are the better you'll get along, that's all. And if the love is true then you take the effort to work on getting along better.

See that's the key. Being selfless not just in love but in loving too. And going out of your way to share your love with your loved one in ways that will be appreciated and needed.

Sadly it isn't easy. Because when we, who are born of weak human nature, give we expect to be given back in kind or more. Because we are important to ourselves.

I too used to believe that if I didn't stand up for me then no one would. Unfortunately I stood up for all the wrong reasons. I believed that since I loved with utmost sincerity and since I gave primary importance to the other then I too deserved equal measure in return. It was only later that I realised that I was measuring as per my selfish standards.

There's no doubt, ego plays a huge role when it comes to being selfish. Especially when it comes to love.

The egoistic believe that they deserve nothing but the best. They see only the best in themselves and the worst in their partners. Their egos ensure that they think only of themselves, convincing them that they and only they know what is best not just for themselves but for everyone around them as well! Their egos gleefully lead them to ruin families and relationships so that the ego may win. Such individuals can hold on to grudges and resentment for long ages and will wait with patience for the first opportunity to strike with vengeance.

What they fail to realise is that in the end, ego will be all they have left.

Ego blinds them to the pain they cause everyone else, sadly, children unwittingly pay the highest price. Some wounds never heal, especially the wounds of the young.

Those that are egoistic are known to have superior complexes and find it next to impossible to even consider that they may have flaws or imperfections or are capable of mistakes and failure. They are judgemental and unforgiving and expect everyone to toe the lines they draw.

Their ego twists them to selfishly believe that they are above and beyond all. Their thoughts are steered only around them - their pain, their losses, their loneliness and of course, their happiness.

Selfishness prevents them from seeing that everything they desire and long for can actually and should actually come from within. That they need not go any further, that they themselves can satisfy all that they crave. Instead they choose to put the blame of their misery on others.

I believe that our happiness is our responsibility and no one else's. It is up to us to find our own happiness. And it is unjust to expect a loved one to take on the responsibility of our happiness.

Simply put, unrealistic expectations are a result of pure selfishness.

To love with selflessness does not mean sacrificing your own needs and dreams. It merely means letting love fly free. Love should never be binding but invigorating. Love a person for his or her personality and individuality. Not for the way they love you in return. No one should feel compelled to love, especially the one you love.

To love selflessly is to know and understand the imperfections and flaws of the other and to still love with abundance despite it all.

At times responsibility demands that we be selfless.

We are sometimes forced to choose between our own happiness and the happiness of others. I have seen those who chose themselves over others. Some are happy and others are happy for them, those are the lucky ones. But some aren't happy enough because others are too hurt to accept or support their happiness.

And then there are those who choose to value the happiness of others over their own. They are the ones who take responsibilities seriously. Some do not totally abandon their own joys. They treasure nooks and corners of personal happiness. Life may not be perfectly rosy but at least they're happy, at least they're doing what they can to keep others happy too. To me, those are the ones I admire because it's so easy to throw everything away for your own sake but to hold on to everything for everyone else's sake is the toughest road yet.

I believe the greatest responsibility is that of a parent. A child does not ask to be born to a particular set of parents. In fact, no child is given the liberty to pick his parents. But we have the freedom to choose whether we want a child or not. Choosing to be parents does not just mean satisfying our primitive urge to nurture and care. It comes with a whole lot of duties as well. Once you're a parent the self needs to take the backseat whether you like it or not. You are responsible for that little one you helped give life to. Once you're a parent, your perspectives have to change. It is your responsibility to ensure you do your bit to provide a healthy happy home to the child, to ensure he or she grows to be a kind, happy and loving individual. And that doesn't just mean spending quality time with them, it also means ensuring that the atmosphere they are in, especially at home, is peaceful.

I have seen how harmful self-centred couples can be to their own children. I have seen how some children grow to carry much of that resentment and hate into their own adulthood and perhaps what I have seen and experienced taught me to constantly strive to give my children the best of myself and all that I have. I know I am not the best of mothers but I also know I try hard to be better all the time.

I have often been judged for the choices I have made in my life. My take is clear. No one has the right to decide how I live.

Some have declared my life a mere bubble, one even went to the extent of publicly claiming that my life was ruined. Sadly they choose not to see the peace and joy I have been blessed with after long years of struggle and strife. Sadly they have proved that they do not belong with me because they have chosen not to know me.

Perhaps such people envy that I have the spirit to decide to live against norms. Or maybe it's simply because they haven't lived my life therefore they do not know nor care to understand my story. Or maybe they're just trying to justify their own so-called principles.

I have been shocked by how quickly people change depending on what works for them. One moment they're on your side for they have much to gain from you, but the moment they have no need of you, boom! The mask falls away, and the ugliness is revealed.

I was once told that I was allowing myself to be unworthy and that if I continued as I was, I would never be loved or respected with the worth I deserve. But who is the judge of my worthiness? When I know and welcome the respect and adoration I am given why should I bother to listen to those guided only by selfishness and a god complex?

A huge chunk of love depends on respect and respect cannot be demanded. Likewise worthiness. Only if there is worth will there be respect.

I was advised to leave the road I'm on for a path others believed was better. Who would know better what route was best for me?

I love for the joy of loving and being loved, and shame to those who choose to read anything else in the way I am and the choices I've made.

True I do not follow society's so-called standards. But again I say, I love and am loved. I respect and am respected. I have found my own way to happiness and to giving happiness. And during the times I am on the sidelines I am happier still, because I know my heart is needed and cared for.

Actually there's this long bit of advice that came my way some time back that actually convinced me that I am indeed in the right place for me rather than pull me back as had obviously been intended. It helped me take a step away from myself and see my own life from a different perspective. It showed me how selfish I had been and how selfless I could be. In fact it showed me how unlike that advisor I wanted to be. Ever since, I have enjoyed a freedom that my heart has rejoiced in.

I do not have a set of rules on how I should be loved. I do not demand that those I love be perfect. As long as I am happy and I can provide happiness what more should or could I possibly want? Some have the audacity to demand that I change my ways if I want them in my life. All I can say is, it was nice knowing you but I'm obviously better off without you.

I am clear, I do not and will not impose my choices on others, and therefore I will not accept terms and conditions from others either.

It is sad how bluntly people choose to judge. What right does anyone have to judge another's choices?

Before you judge, before you advise, before you condemn, just think. Are you worthy enough?

Are you selfish or selfless?