Making it work

It always starts off so beautifully. The heightened pulse rate, the blushing cheeks, the urge to touch, the need to miss and be missed. Romantic relationships always start off like a rosy dream unbelievably come true.

Nothing feels more beautiful than to know you are wanted. Nothing is more gratifying than your need being reciprocated in equal measure. Those early days are always the best and the most memorable. Time would fly and the world would stand still and no one else would exist beyond the tiny circle of just you and him. Nothing else would matter.

But ensuring that the magic never ends isn't easy, especially after the novelty disappears. Trust me it's pure hard work. A relationship demands that both partners contribute and more often than not one partner would have to allow the balance to tilt in favour of the other. And that unfortunately, is the actual way of life.

But we can still make it beautiful. We can still keep the magic alive. It just depends on how badly you want to. It's all a matter of how much you're willing to accept.

Often we find couples dissipating. Where once there had been just sweet words and loving promises, we find sarcasm and fault finding.

So first, accept that no one is perfect.

Your dream partner has flaws. Weigh the good versus the not so good. If the flaws outweigh the rest then maybe you're with the wrong person but if your heart admires and appreciates him despite his imperfections then just give in a little, compromise a bit. After all, as I said, no one is perfect.

 Accept that every relationship demands compromise, in just about everything. Starting from major issues, like where you work or where you live to what you should wear or even eat.

Everything does not have to go your way. Just because you love each other does not mean you have to share the same points of view or interests. Go out of your way once in a while, it would give you a lot more happiness to make your partner happy than demand happiness from him.

Always ensure that respect has more prominence in the relationship than love.

We often hear of many who do so much for love. What we don't realise is that we can do much more out of respect. In fact it is easier to love someone than it is to love and respect a person. When you respect your partner, you enjoy knowing that you have his love.

Add romance to the relationship.

If it doesn't come spontaneously then make sure you take the effort to purposefully add some spice. Everything dull is brightened with just the right splash of colour. Send him a love message, call him out of the blue, give her a surprise gift, go out for a romantic drive, enjoy sunsets, take walks on the beach, enjoy silence with each other, make time for each other, make sure you tell each other why you love each other. Make sure you both know how much you love each other.

Accept that arguments and fights will happen, after all this is a relationship between two thinking, feeling human beings. Just make sure things do not escalate beyond a limit. When you realise the limits are within reach, go for a pause. Take time out. Breathe. And remind yourself of all the good times, it isn't easy at the heat of things, but do it and then ask yourself, is this argument really worth losing all that?

Accept that it isn't beneath you to give in, to accept mistakes, to apologise. After all if you cannot be honest about being wrong with the one you love then how honest can you be?

Accept that you cannot change another person but if you love someone then it shouldn't be very difficult to change yourself for him.

Accept that if things go wrong both of you are to blame. A relationship does not depend on just one person. It needs both partners to work to make things right.

It's always so easy to give in to negativity. To find fault. To blame. To give in to anger. To allow hatred seep in. Always know that love never disappears. Once born, love never dies. It can't even be killed. It just gets buried under all the negativity and emotion sometimes it gets buried so deep down that you are convinced it's no longer there. But it is. Believe that. It just needs patience and caring and effort to be uncovered and brought out again.

Accept that both of you have contributed to the relationship and never quantify your efforts. Do not cheapen the relationship or the other by pointing out what you've contributed, your partner might do the same and you may find yourself short in coming.

Accept that your relationship is just between the two of you. Do not allow a third person interfere especially if the interference is only for the worst.

Accept that every relationship deserves gratitude.

No one knows your flaws and faults better than you, and to have someone who loves you and chooses to be with you despite it all is a fact you should always be grateful for.

Accept that forgiveness and forgetfulness are the greatest accessories in a relationship.

It is natural to get hurt and to hurt in return in a relationship. Just make sure that you pull yourself up each time you're down, take a deep breath and move forward. Don't look back. What happened is over and done with. Learn from your mistakes, look to your future and keep on working at making things work.

Always believe that where there is love, there will always be a way.

The people within me

I've come to the conclusion that two individuals are residing within me and have been for a while. How they manage to coexist though is beyond my understanding. Because despite being special and unique they are poles apart in nature.

They are both extremely strong willed and possess separate well-defined beliefs and ideals yet they are unbelievably inseparable. Maybe that's because they don't have much of a choice, because their very existence demands that they remain intertwined forever.

And no, I do not have a split personality or a doppleganger syndrome.

I merely have a very soft mushy being in me that I call Heart and she has a lifelong reliable companion called Head. They can't do without each other but unfortunately, more times than not, they don't get along well with each other either.

Heart is exactly that. She's soft hearted, carefree and prone to love and to crave love. That's the only language she understands.

Head on the other hand, is sensible, realistic, cautious and has absolutely no time for sentimental nonsense. But don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad guy. In fact he's a great guy. He's kind and giving and caring with the urge to always do what is right. But he's still the guy. Should I say much more?

So Heart's the one who loves the fun while Head prefers to be suspicious of one and all, always on the lookout for danger, choosing to stay safe always. Troubleshooting and security management are his criteria while Heart loves romance, candlelit dinners, glorious sunsets and surprise gifts!

Heart's the impulsive of the two and is always rushing headlong into places Head cringes to even think of being in. He tries to hold her back, he tries reasoning, cautioning, scolding, counselling, he tries pretty much everything but there's only so much that he can do, because despite every advice Heart always turns the deaf ear to him. So all he can pretty much do is hope for the best, grab all his patience together and wait. Because he knows one thing for sure, she'll come back. At times happy and gleeful at her lucky escapades but many times disappointed and let down.

Head never lets Heart down though.

He celebrates with her when she's overjoyed. But he also holds her tight and gives her his shoulder to cry on when she wallows in pain. Head however has a problem, he has a temperament. He often loses control and gives in to terrible bouts of anger and frustration especially when he's overcome with helplessness at his inability to help Heart heal.

But again, Head is almost always the first to pull himself together and thankfully he never allows himself to drown in depression or anxiety for too long. So time and again he takes up the tedious task of coaching Heart, in an effort to pull her out of her misery. He repeatedly and patiently teaches her the lessons of life with presentations, explanations and proof, all in the desperate hope that she would finally learn, amend her ways and stick to life as it should be lived. He tries to show her where she'd gone wrong and where she needs to watch her step and for a short while she actually does pay attention.

But eventually Heart can't help herself and she gives in to the call of love, recklessly throwing all caution to the winds. Again.

Though Heart loves to love, Head is the possessive one. He hates it when Heart is misused or taken advantage of. It frustrates him that she doesn't see how naive she is and how others enjoy taking her for a ride. It hurts him that others don't value the beauty and innocence of all she's got to give. When Heart aches, Head hurts too. He wishes he could keep her all to himself. He wishes she'd be happy with just his company and nothing more. After all, who knew her better than him?

Heart on the other hand finds Head too serious and often tells him to lighten up, loosen up, relax and just enjoy each moment of each day.

She tries to explain to him that every time she fills herself up with hope and expectation, she's actually living. And though it hurts to be let down so often, she still has no regrets. Sure she'll cry and sob, but that's her way of getting over the pain because in a day or two she's ready to pick herself up, brush herself down and plunge right into the next ride. With the strong perpetual belief that this ride would be a glorious one.

She tries reasoning with him, as she tells him that that's the way she is, that's the way she has to be.

She needs to be full of love, expecting love, giving love. Birthing hope. All the time. That's the only way she can exist, the only way she can be happy.

Head always listens to her with patience. And since he believes he's the one with the intelligence, he actually feels he understands her. But he still can't help doing all he can to protect her. Because when Heart is hurt, Head feels the ache. So he is always planning and plotting. Working and reworking on how to secure every situation Heart finds herself in so that Heart would always be the beneficiary at the end. He's a sweet one, our Head. And Heart loves him dearly. Maybe it's because she knows she can always count on him that Heart knows she can spread her wings and fly, because she knows she has her sturdy dependable security net laid out beneath her wherever she may be. 

They're an amazing pair. So different yet so perfectly matched. So perfectly balanced.

When I ponder on them, my soul is struck with the realisation that Head and Heart are all I need for the perfect balanced existence. A happy peaceful existence. 

Realities learnt.

It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.