Selfless or Selfish? What are you?

Over the years we meet many, some stay on while others float away.

Some are kind and strong, others are cruel and weak.

Some help us grow, others break us down.

Because everyone has their strengths, and unfortunately they have their imperfections too.

Often we end up getting too close and too involved before true colours are revealed.

I've realised that the strengths in everyone is often due to selflessness while selfishness is mostly the cause of many a wrong.

I've also realised that you either love or you don't. You cannot love a little or too much. Maybe that's why many mistake fondness and attraction for love and eventually head for disaster. Of course fondness, attraction, obsession and even a casual acquaintance or a regular friendship can grow to be love. In fact, love that is selfish can mature to be selfless too.

Which brings us to the difference in selfless and selfish love.

I've seen many people who believe that theirs is the ultimate love and still go out and wreak total havoc on the very people they claim to love so very much, all because their own happiness mattered more. What could possibly be more selfish?

I've seen kind souls surrender completely, giving up on themselves and giving in to the relentless demands of thoughtless self-indulgent partners only for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of love, for peace - how more selfless can one be?

I had once been selfish too.

There had been a time, when, for a long long time, I had been miserable, and I had unwittingly done everything possible to make the one person I love just as miserable. I had quarrelled and fought, argued and cried, pleaded and begged. All because I believed that I ought to be loved in a specific way, that I deserved to be cared for in my way and therefore no other way was acceptable. I was convinced that I was perfect enough to be important enough. Thankfully I came to my senses before I lost it all.

Perhaps the experiences and attitudes of others around me led me to the light. And I learnt that to truly love was to allow the other to be truly happy, be it with you or because of you or otherwise. For ultimately, in their happiness is your happiness.

And this is true not just between man and woman but between parent and child, between friends, between siblings and in every other relationship that survives on love.

I have watched as loved ones destroyed relationships all in the name of love. Even families have been torn apart solely for one person's selfish interests. What is worse is even children have not been spared. Innocence is ripped up and children who should be allowed to grow in joy and security are dragged into bitter messes, pitched by one parent against the other, again, all in the name of love.

I've listened to friends share their aching hearts, hurting because the one they love does not love them back the way they want or believe they need. Amidst all the pain they fail to see that everyone is different. Each one thinks, feels, dreams and loves differently. It just takes an effort - to understand how the other loves best and to love back as best as you can in every way you know. No two people are the same, however much you may love each other. Your thoughts, opinions, beliefs and needs are different. The more compatible you are the better you'll get along, that's all. And if the love is true then you take the effort to work on getting along better.

See that's the key. Being selfless not just in love but in loving too. And going out of your way to share your love with your loved one in ways that will be appreciated and needed.

Sadly it isn't easy. Because when we, who are born of weak human nature, give we expect to be given back in kind or more. Because we are important to ourselves.

I too used to believe that if I didn't stand up for me then no one would. Unfortunately I stood up for all the wrong reasons. I believed that since I loved with utmost sincerity and since I gave primary importance to the other then I too deserved equal measure in return. It was only later that I realised that I was measuring as per my selfish standards.

There's no doubt, ego plays a huge role when it comes to being selfish. Especially when it comes to love.

The egoistic believe that they deserve nothing but the best. They see only the best in themselves and the worst in their partners. Their egos ensure that they think only of themselves, convincing them that they and only they know what is best not just for themselves but for everyone around them as well! Their egos gleefully lead them to ruin families and relationships so that the ego may win. Such individuals can hold on to grudges and resentment for long ages and will wait with patience for the first opportunity to strike with vengeance.

What they fail to realise is that in the end, ego will be all they have left.

Ego blinds them to the pain they cause everyone else, sadly, children unwittingly pay the highest price. Some wounds never heal, especially the wounds of the young.

Those that are egoistic are known to have superior complexes and find it next to impossible to even consider that they may have flaws or imperfections or are capable of mistakes and failure. They are judgemental and unforgiving and expect everyone to toe the lines they draw.

Their ego twists them to selfishly believe that they are above and beyond all. Their thoughts are steered only around them - their pain, their losses, their loneliness and of course, their happiness.

Selfishness prevents them from seeing that everything they desire and long for can actually and should actually come from within. That they need not go any further, that they themselves can satisfy all that they crave. Instead they choose to put the blame of their misery on others.

I believe that our happiness is our responsibility and no one else's. It is up to us to find our own happiness. And it is unjust to expect a loved one to take on the responsibility of our happiness.

Simply put, unrealistic expectations are a result of pure selfishness.

To love with selflessness does not mean sacrificing your own needs and dreams. It merely means letting love fly free. Love should never be binding but invigorating. Love a person for his or her personality and individuality. Not for the way they love you in return. No one should feel compelled to love, especially the one you love.

To love selflessly is to know and understand the imperfections and flaws of the other and to still love with abundance despite it all.

At times responsibility demands that we be selfless.

We are sometimes forced to choose between our own happiness and the happiness of others. I have seen those who chose themselves over others. Some are happy and others are happy for them, those are the lucky ones. But some aren't happy enough because others are too hurt to accept or support their happiness.

And then there are those who choose to value the happiness of others over their own. They are the ones who take responsibilities seriously. Some do not totally abandon their own joys. They treasure nooks and corners of personal happiness. Life may not be perfectly rosy but at least they're happy, at least they're doing what they can to keep others happy too. To me, those are the ones I admire because it's so easy to throw everything away for your own sake but to hold on to everything for everyone else's sake is the toughest road yet.

I believe the greatest responsibility is that of a parent. A child does not ask to be born to a particular set of parents. In fact, no child is given the liberty to pick his parents. But we have the freedom to choose whether we want a child or not. Choosing to be parents does not just mean satisfying our primitive urge to nurture and care. It comes with a whole lot of duties as well. Once you're a parent the self needs to take the backseat whether you like it or not. You are responsible for that little one you helped give life to. Once you're a parent, your perspectives have to change. It is your responsibility to ensure you do your bit to provide a healthy happy home to the child, to ensure he or she grows to be a kind, happy and loving individual. And that doesn't just mean spending quality time with them, it also means ensuring that the atmosphere they are in, especially at home, is peaceful.

I have seen how harmful self-centred couples can be to their own children. I have seen how some children grow to carry much of that resentment and hate into their own adulthood and perhaps what I have seen and experienced taught me to constantly strive to give my children the best of myself and all that I have. I know I am not the best of mothers but I also know I try hard to be better all the time.

I have often been judged for the choices I have made in my life. My take is clear. No one has the right to decide how I live.

Some have declared my life a mere bubble, one even went to the extent of publicly claiming that my life was ruined. Sadly they choose not to see the peace and joy I have been blessed with after long years of struggle and strife. Sadly they have proved that they do not belong with me because they have chosen not to know me.

Perhaps such people envy that I have the spirit to decide to live against norms. Or maybe it's simply because they haven't lived my life therefore they do not know nor care to understand my story. Or maybe they're just trying to justify their own so-called principles.

I have been shocked by how quickly people change depending on what works for them. One moment they're on your side for they have much to gain from you, but the moment they have no need of you, boom! The mask falls away, and the ugliness is revealed.

I was once told that I was allowing myself to be unworthy and that if I continued as I was, I would never be loved or respected with the worth I deserve. But who is the judge of my worthiness? When I know and welcome the respect and adoration I am given why should I bother to listen to those guided only by selfishness and a god complex?

A huge chunk of love depends on respect and respect cannot be demanded. Likewise worthiness. Only if there is worth will there be respect.

I was advised to leave the road I'm on for a path others believed was better. Who would know better what route was best for me?

I love for the joy of loving and being loved, and shame to those who choose to read anything else in the way I am and the choices I've made.

True I do not follow society's so-called standards. But again I say, I love and am loved. I respect and am respected. I have found my own way to happiness and to giving happiness. And during the times I am on the sidelines I am happier still, because I know my heart is needed and cared for.

Actually there's this long bit of advice that came my way some time back that actually convinced me that I am indeed in the right place for me rather than pull me back as had obviously been intended. It helped me take a step away from myself and see my own life from a different perspective. It showed me how selfish I had been and how selfless I could be. In fact it showed me how unlike that advisor I wanted to be. Ever since, I have enjoyed a freedom that my heart has rejoiced in.

I do not have a set of rules on how I should be loved. I do not demand that those I love be perfect. As long as I am happy and I can provide happiness what more should or could I possibly want? Some have the audacity to demand that I change my ways if I want them in my life. All I can say is, it was nice knowing you but I'm obviously better off without you.

I am clear, I do not and will not impose my choices on others, and therefore I will not accept terms and conditions from others either.

It is sad how bluntly people choose to judge. What right does anyone have to judge another's choices?

Before you judge, before you advise, before you condemn, just think. Are you worthy enough?

Are you selfish or selfless?