My dad has always been a loner, happy in his own company and distrusting of anyone who tried to get too close. His justification for his attitude was that no one could possibly be a true friend. He strongly believed that everyone including himself feigned affection merely to attain their means and needs. Once used and useless, the friendship becomes meaningless.
I however have always scoffed his take, having always chosen to see the better of everyone. For as long as I can remember friends have always played a major role in my life. Many of my dearest and closest friends have been with me and by me for many long years. They share my fears, secrets, desires, joys and everything else that makes me the person that I am. And there isn't a moment in my life that I am not grateful for their presence, because this great bunch of people have always chosen to see beyond my imperfections, which, trust me, isn't easy!
I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.
A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.
As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.
But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.
Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!
You would think that knowing someone quite well for many years would make you an expert on their character, right? Wrong! You could know someone for a decade and even believe you were the closest of friends only to turn around and find a total stranger there instead.
No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.
And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.
Watch out for liars.
Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.
As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.
Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.
I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.
Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!
Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.
Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.
Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.
Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?
Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.
There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.
Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.
Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.
If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.
No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.
Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.
If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.
Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.
It's as simple as that.
I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.
A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.
As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.
But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.
Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!
No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.
And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.
Watch out for liars.
Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.
As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.
Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.
I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!
Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.
Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.
Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?
Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.
There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.
Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.
Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.
No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.
Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.
If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.
Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.
It's as simple as that.
