It's all about friendships!

My dad has always been a loner, happy in his own company and distrusting of anyone who tried to get too close. His justification for his attitude was that no one could possibly be a true friend. He strongly believed that everyone including himself feigned affection merely to attain their means and needs. Once used and useless, the friendship becomes meaningless.

I however have always scoffed his take, having always chosen to see the better of everyone. For as long as I can remember friends have always played a major role in my life. Many of my dearest and closest friends have been with me and by me for many long years. They share my fears, secrets, desires, joys and everything else that makes me the person that I am. And there isn't a moment in my life that I am not grateful for their presence, because this great bunch of people have always chosen to see beyond my imperfections, which, trust me, isn't easy!

I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.

A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.

As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.

But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.

Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!

You would think that knowing someone quite well for many years would make you an expert on their character, right? Wrong! You could know someone for a decade and even believe you were the closest of friends only to turn around and find a total stranger there instead.

No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.

And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.

Watch out for liars.

Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.

As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.

Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.

I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.

Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!

Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.

Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.

Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.

Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?

Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.

There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.

Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.

Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.

If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.

No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.

Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.

If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.

Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.

It's as simple as that.

My personal commandments

Many of us go through life at a random pace, reacting and behaving instinctively to situations. At least that was how I had been until fairly recently. I would allow myself to bend and adjust to each situation or react wildly and madly and often I would allow life and fate and others get the better of me.

I would suffer blows, pull myself up only to suffer more blows, life was often just survived and not really lived. In fact, I strongly believed that my happiness was in the hands of another until I allowed life to be my teacher and ever since, I have learnt some great lessons. I am now slowly tutoring myself to implement these lessons as principles for a better living, and honestly, I find myself more at peace these days than I did in a long time.

1. My happiness is my responsibility. 

How wonderful it would have been if someone would just take over the responsibility of doing everything possible to make you happy. It's a great dream but that's all it is, a dream. No one knows better of what makes you happy other than yourself. And no one would bother beyond a limit to ensure you're always smiling. Why? Well, that's because their happiness matters more to them than yours. So, buck up and take charge of your life. Realise that it's your own choice whether you would allow yourself to be happy or not. Whether you would allow yourself to be affected or influenced by the actions or decisions of another, by the twists and turns of fate, or even by your own moods.

2. My peace of mind is my responsibility

Believe me, no one, no matter how much they claim to love or care, no one really bothers about your peace of mind. If you are not at peace, you're the only one troubled, no one else is affected. So think long and hard before you blow out your mind's tranquility. Wouldn't it be far better to just take a deep breath, think better thoughts and move on?

3. Always ensure self respect.

Never stoop too low, never bend way over, never give in so much that you lose your own identity. It won't hurt to give in or bend over for someone who matters, especially if it makes them happy but don't lose yourself in the process. At the end of the day, if you have no respect for yourself then how can you expect the respect of others?

4. Do not be selfish. Except at times.  

What goes around, comes around. Good or bad. It's great to do all you can for another, but not at any cost. Some times some things are just not worth the effort. So don't be naive, and choose wisely.

5. Give away as much love, kindness, goodness and time as possible.

It won't hurt to be kind, it definitely won't matter if you spend time with those who love and need you. You lose nothing, in fact you gain so much the more you give, but only if you give without expecting or wanting anything back in return.
There's nothing wrong in doing what you can for another, but remember, never should it be at the cost of your own happiness. Do not be a doormat.

6. There is no such thing as 'soulmates'. I belong to no one and no one is mine. There are just great companions and that too is not a necessity.

It took a while to get rid of the romantic notion that there's a soulmate out there for each and everyone. In fact it was rather a relief to realise that there's really no such thing. Some are luckier than most and get to share their lives with someone who is compatible and on the same plane. The rest just have to make do with what they get, but if our happiness and peace of mind depends on each of us then why do we need to depend on another at all? If we are with another, it should be a matter of choice, nothing else.



7. My children are my greatest priority. No sacrifice is too great if it is for them.



This is probably the mantra of every parent.







8. Accept that I am not perfect, but allow myself to be as I am. Be myself always. 

Be the person that you are. Never go out of your way to alter yourself or change yourself only to suit the requirements of another, they would never understand or appreciate the effort. If you change then change for the better and only because that's what you want. Do what you believe is right and good for you be it in the way you dress, speak, behave and think. Do not allow anyone else define the person that you are. If you live on the terms of another, it should be because you choose to do so. Do not let anyone else be supreme over you. That is God's sole right.
Do not look in the mirror and find faults, look at yourself and admire what is beautiful.
Do not be afraid to reveal your weaknesses. Do not be proud about your strengths.

9. It's normal to feel angry, depressed, anxious, self righteous and many another negative emotion.

You can and probably should vent out once in a while just don't dwell on such negativity for too long. Life is too short and too beautiful to waste on such ugliness. And no one is worth ruining even a moment of your life for.

10. I'm just an ordinary person. I can't like everyone and I cannot expect everyone to like me. 

Try your best to be with those who love you and whom you love. Be patient with the rest. But treat one and all with respect. Apologise if you go wrong or make a mistake. Express gratitude for everything anyone does for you.

11. Be dependent only on God and believe that you have the strength to live your life the way you choose.

At the end of the day, your life is yours alone. How you live it is your choice. Enjoy your own company and realise that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, you can be your best friend.

12. Always be grateful to God for the glory that is life. 

God loves you. Believe that there is always a rainbow beyond the cloud. That there's always a positive side to everything negative. That everything, every single thing in life happens for your own good, because God is the way and He is the only one, who knows better than you, what is best for you.

It's all about choices

Recently Bollywood heartthrob Deepika Padukone announced her belief that her life and the various choices in her life were hers and hers alone, this was hugely applauded by a huge segment of the public, me included. But today I chanced upon a post on an unknown blog where the writer has chosen to rip Deepika apart for her statements. The writer chose to compare various instances and incidents of the actress's past in an attempt to prove how contradictory they were to what she claimed to believe in today. The writer chose to do this without realising that she too had the choice not to.

How often do we realise that we always have choices every time we decide to do or say or even think of something? Do we ever understand that we actually have the choice to do, think and say something completely different? And that each time we act or behave it is almost always in total and absolute reaction to the circumstances that we find ourselves in at that moment?

In this article, Deepika was accused of breaking off her relationship with Ranbir years ago, because he chose to have a fling outside their affair. Perhaps we should take a moment to realise that it was her choice to do so. The actress has claimed that it is her choice if she wishes to have sex with someone, anyone. And if Ranbir chose to do so too then we need to understand that she has the right to choose how she wishes to react to it.

As I said it is all about choices.

Recently the same actress went live and announced how she had faced and fought depression. Wasn't this a choice too? She could have easily chosen to hide the fact instead she chose otherwise, in an attempt to help those who are suffering from the illness too. It is our choice to applaud or criticise such choices.

There are some things in life that are chosen for us. Our parents, our height, complexion etc. But there are some things that totally depend on our choices. We can choose to be brave and strong and face life head on. We can choose not to be defeated but to keep brushing ourselves down and pulling ourselves up each time life deals out a blow. We can also choose to huddle away, stay meek and silent. Our attitude is our choice. Our choices determine the person that we are and the character that we own, and the beliefs that we follow.

The turns our lives take depend so much on our choices. Even a lot of our health depends on our choices. All the butter, meat and alcohol we choose to intake will show their true colors in the turn our health will take.

Who I want to sleep with is my choice. Who he wants to sleep with is his. And how I respond to his choice is thus my choice.

If I choose to expose my body, that's my choice. If someone else chooses to use my body then it's my choice to wreak havoc upon their heads. And that's all this lanky actress did when TOI chose to publish a picture of her cleavage. So what if she exposes her body in movies? She does so because she chooses to do so and she gets highly paid too. It is her choice because it is her body. And her viewers choose to enjoy it. It's as simple as that. If a gossip-loving mud slinging paper wishes to publish pictures of various parts of her body they should have asked her first. If not then she has the right to choose to slander them and she chose to act upon that right.

And yes she sat in the front row and laughed and giggled at slutty jokes, well, again, that's her choice.  And at that moment, in the situation that she was in, she may have chosen to be amused. In another set of circumstances she may have chosen to behave differently.

That's all that it is. It's all about choices.

Every choice is suited to that moment. When the moment passes, you may sometimes look back and wish you chose differently. There isn't much you can do about that. Just look forward, gauge your situations and make your choices. Just be wise and choose wisely.