For better or for worse. Really?

There's one thing I'd really like to know, how do you make it work?

Amidst the regular exchange of gossip, gibberish and heartache during a recent stress busting chat with a girlfriend I suddenly joked that I'd wished I were gay, if only so I would have a partner who understood me. Maybe I reasoned, if we were of the same sex then we'd understand each other better? Honestly, I so envy the couples that actually make it work, gay or not, and I wonder, how do they do it?

Trust me it's tough being stuck with people who absolutely refuse to even attempt to understand you, yet who selfishly expect you to live selflessly by their terms. But looking around me I realise that there are actually so many people living just like that. On the terms of another. Putting their own emotions, needs, wishes and everything else on hold. Giving in to the aggressive demands of the stronger partner, perhaps because they are too dependent, or maybe because confrontation scares them or maybe because there's still too much of love within them to do what's sensible - value themselves and move on, with their heads held high.

Yet there are indeed a few that are brave enough to take the call. To decide that they've had enough. And they choose to face the storm and move on, come what may. I applaud them. For they opt not just to listen to their own hearts but to walk alone, against the norms and stipulations of society, family, friends and everyone else.

Such individuals, a few that I am lucky to call friends, have gone ahead and decided that they've had enough. That heartache and suppression and pain and disappointment and most of all the disrespect is just beyond what they deserve.

Why are there so many failed relationships?

What is it that comes between two loving hearts?

Why is it that a relationship that starts off so beautifully eventually ends up in such a painful disaster?

I've often had the opportunity of being with both hurt parties and each has his or her points to stress upon. And in most times I've seen that nothing is sudden. Most break-ups are the result of long suffering situations where eventually the sufferer decides she or he has had enough. And the other is left wondering what went wrong yet still refusing to accept any responsibility.

In most cases, I've come to understand that ego is the culprit.

Ego pulls the blinds down and prevents you from seeing the pain you're causing the one you claim you love.

Ego prevents you from apologizing, even when you know you've done wrong.

Ego demands you be understood even when you fail to understand.

Ego forces you to point your finger at the other and refuses to notice that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at you.

Ego tells you you're perfect and that you can do no wrong and thus ensures you screw up the most precious relationship you have.

Ego demands that you hurt the one person you love the most and eventually you're left all alone, just you and your ego.


Another sad factor is that most partners take it upon themselves to decide what is best for the other.

They refuse to accept that their partner probably wants something else completely.

A friend of mine sat me down and told me blatantly that he had always bought his wife the best of jewelry and clothes, that he ensured he cleaned the house (and her wardrobe!), and in his mind this raised him to the status of a perfect husband. He failed to see that she wanted something else totally. Her needs from her man went far beyond a clean kitchen. It did not even occur to him to even try and understand what her needs were. Yet his biggest complaint was that she failed to understand his needs.

Could that be what is going wrong? Are we taking it upon ourselves to decide what is best for the other rather than trying to understand the partner's needs and work on trying to fulfil them?

But then there is another couple that I know well and know for a fact that she goes out of her way to give in to him totally. Allowing him to dictate the terms of their relationship. Faithfully placing the responsibility of her happiness in his hands, under the absolute belief that he would never let her down.

He takes it all but fails to deliver.

His excuse is she's too demanding.

Could that be what is wrong then? Do we demand too much? Much more than we deserve? But then who draws the line on what is deserving?

And then again there's another pair that I know where she has sole responsibility of caring for the children, the home, the finances, all of it. He comes and goes as he pleases. His excuse? Fate. To me it's just plain selfishness.

Maybe that's it then. We're all selfish. We're all thinking of just ourselves. Our own pleasures. Our own needs. And when the needs of one clashes with the needs of the other all hell breaks loose.

How do you strike the right balance?

Why is it so difficult to understand that a relationship can never be one-sided. It's a partnership.

If you want to take then you need to know how to give. And not just give what you want to give but give what the other wants to take.

No one is forced to be committed to another. If someone sticks by you through thick and thin then it is because she chooses to. There is nothing weak in that. If she chooses to move on then there's nothing weak in that either.

Another sad player in the ruin of a relationship is - money.

If she's a working woman then he often allows insecurity and ego to seep in, if she is totally dependent on him then he allows arrogance and authority to rule. And if she chooses to question him then all hell breaks loose. And if she's the sole earning partner then he often ends up seeming weak and dependent and that wreaks havoc on his ego especially if she makes it a point to appear superior.

At times, money problems just add to the existing mess, making it even worse to work things out.

And maybe another major fact that needs to be considered is that often, in relationships, each partner is totally dependent on the other for their own happiness. They fail to comprehend that their happiness eventually lies solely in their own hands. Not in the hands of their parents, siblings, friends, children or even their partner. Everyone can contribute to the happiness of another but cannot and should never take total responsibility. I should be able to decide that come what may I will be happy and no one should have the power to take that away from me. I should believe that I have the right to make myself happy and I don't really need anyone else taking that effort for me.
Once we actually understand that then I believe that a lot of problems and issues would die away.

I have always believed that respect is what holds two people together more than anything else, even love. If you respect another, then you will be able respect her wishes, her needs and most of all her feelings. You would never be able to purposefully hurt her, and in case you do then you should be committed to recompensing the pain.

Till death do us part.. or not?

Just about everyone in Kerala would have heard all that's there to hear about the rather public legal separation of a popular actor and his wife, once an equally popular actress. There had been gossip galore as to why they had decided to take such a drastic step and every other Keralite lapped it all up happily. The pair were analysed, their relationship scrutinised and studied but it was the new ex-wife who faced the actual brunt of all the criticism.

Personally I applauded Manju Warrier, the new divorcee, for the stand she took on the whole matter. Not once did she appear in the media in an attempt to attain public sympathy. She made no comments and steadfastly stuck to keeping her private life just that, private.

She then went on to be the face of a renowned jewellery brand and soon relaunched her acting career as well, and I bowed before her brave attempt to repair and renew her life.

Perhaps that's why it came as quite a shock when a few very close friends of mine announced a different sentiment towards the actress.

One particular friend went to the extent of saying that she did not approve of the whole affair at all. Once one was married then the commitment is for life, was her take. Especially if there are children involved. This friend believed that the actress had no right getting divorced and definitely had no business trying to build a career after it all. She was a wife and a mother and she should have stayed as such no matter what the circumstances. Honestly, I couldn't believe my ears.

I mean it's all fine for the wife to be submissive, at least to a limit. But how far is she expected to bend? But that's beside the point.

The actual point is, who are we, the common public, to judge whether a woman and a man should remain married? We don't know their lives. We have absolutely no idea why they chose to take such a step then what right do we have to judge them?

And why judge her in particular? What if she had no choice in the matter?

Because if what the grapevine says is true then it was the take of the actor in question that actually lead to the whole sad situation. But funnily no one seems to want to place any blame on him. All you need to do is just check out their Facebook pages. Dilip has adoring comments from adoring fans while Manju's on the receiving end of quite a bit of sarcasm.

So men may do as they wish and women should just suffer in silence? Shouldn't she have a right to a dignified life where she should be allowed to know and do what is best for her?

Another point that my friend brought up was the fact that the only child of the pair had chosen to be with the father. This fact, she concluded, only proved that there was something very wrong with the mother!

Again I say, we have no idea what their lives are all about.

To me, I believe that Manju is a lady who stood up for herself in spite of it all.

She did not allow herself to be broken with the unfortunate turn her life took.

She fell, but she picked herself right back up, brushed herself down and is now striding forward with all her strength.

She is a woman who has proved with her life that the past should be left alone, the present is to be lived and the future is to be looked forward to.

It's a shame that women condemn her.

This is a woman who should be admired by her own sex for the strength of character she has displayed.

This is a woman who should be seen as a leader for other women facing similar situations. She has definitely set the right example. She has proved that a woman may face a lot of trials but she can't and won't be beaten.

We all have just one life. It is our responsibility to make the most of it.

I'm sure she has a lot of friends and family standing up with and for her but I'm also sure she would be aware of public sentiment, yet despite all that she's still moving ahead and all I have to say, all that we should all say is bravo!

I think it is unjust to demand that a couple, once married should remain married all their lives. Especially in a country where arranged marriages are so popular. Two people who may not be compatible in any way are some times tied together with the bond of marriage. Rather than spending the rest of their lives in misery, wouldn't it only be fair to them that they move their separate ways and make better lives for themselves?

So many marriages are loveless.

So many people are sadly stuck together only because there are children in the equation.

Thankfully mine is probably the last generation that would give in to such unfair demands. Please don't get me wrong. I am not advocating divorce. Far from it.

Divorce rates are on the high now and frankly, that isn't healthy. We find a lot of couples breaking up within just months of togetherness. Could they have really tried hard enough?

So where does one draw the line?

What's the limit at which one can decide that it's time to move on?

Unfortunately there are no guidelines.

Marriage is indeed a sacred constitution.

But it demands a lot of effort, understanding, patience and yes, love, but most of all respect, for it to really work.

One partner would be aggressive and the other submissive, that's how the equation normally works. If both are on the same side of the fence then woe to them!

Each has to contribute and each has to be committed, just as in any other relationship, but only more.

And despite it all, if pain, anger, disgust and hatred flood in and settle down then it may be beyond repair.

In such cases, it just doesn't make sense in prolonging a farce. Move on.

But if there's even the slightest glimmer of hope then grab it and hold it tight and don't ever let it go, because you're one of the rare lucky ones!

And for those who have to move apart and ahead on their own, the pain would be inevitable. But it isn't the end of the road. It is a turn around a bend and unto a new and better path. This is the truth that I choose to believe.