Being Woman

There's never been a moment in all my life that I've ever regretted being a woman. I've had a lot of regrets over a lot of things over the years, but this was definitely not one. In fact I have always enjoyed every bit of my, well, for want of a better word, womanhood.

When both my daughters were born I had wept tears of joy. Not once did I ever wish for a boy. And I have no regrets about this either. Rather, they're the biggest blessings I've ever been gifted with and I cherish them more than life.

Now, on this so called day celebrating women, while my mailboxes and social accounts pile up with posts and forwards praising the greatness of the feminine, some genuine but most screaming sarcasm, I feel I need to speak up, for myself and for other women.

We don't need a special day just for us, cos come on, is that all we're worth?? We need every day to be special, just as every day needs to be special for every one.

Women deserve respect and appreciation if and when earned. Just as with anyone else.

Not just because we give birth or cook or keep house or work 8 hour shifts, but for all of it and more. Women are the best multi-taskers. We've proved over and over again that we can lead, we can teach and we can achieve. We deserve to be loved for the love we lavish out unconditionally. To our men, our children, our friends, and yes, to ourselves. We are a loyal and committed breed and I'm sure there isn't a man out there who doesn't have a woman he has fond memories of, be it his mother, lover or daughter.

Thankfully I've been blessed with the presence of several kind men in my life, my husband included, who allow me the freedom to spread my wings and soar, who smile when I succeed and who gently help me get back to my feet when I stumble or fall.

To me that's the greatest support a woman could ever ask for.

Through my career, I've met many a man who clearly displays his despicable ego especially against women and though it often confused me at first, I soon realised that he was merely attempting to cover up his own incompetence and insecurities when faced with the stark reality that a woman was probably better at the job than he could ever be.

And such is the case for most working women.

Luckily I've also know some great guys, some I'm fortunate enough to work for and with, who are comfortable enough in their successes and abilities, who are open minded and large hearted and most of all who acknowledge your talents and appreciate your intelligence, not because you're a woman but because you're a capable person.

Unfortunately some men, though apparently mature enough to know better, still find it irksome to admit that a woman could possibly know better. They choose to argue, to admonish and to oppose women who speak their minds merely because they feel belittled by the knowledge that a woman could actually teach them a thing or two.

In fact one person I know argues on every point I tend to mention, not because he knows better but because he's ashamed that he doesn't. I attribute his stupidity to the fact that he's lived all his life in a small town, may have a lot of money but has hardly travelled or read enough to know better and therefore can't help his cheap arrogance. However I must confess that it vexes me no end, especially when I know I'm right but the decency within me forces me to suffer his ego, more so when he claims to know me yet obviously knows nothing at all.

Still, I'm quite happy to say that many of my best and closest friends are men. Men have taken the effort to encourage me and push me on every time I've stalled. Men have taken the time and have had the patience to deal with my tantrums and tears every time I've needed a shoulder to cry on or a head to scream at. Plainly put, men understand me better.

Unfortunately not every woman is as lucky.

I've seen many an educated and intelligent woman forced into submission by men who think no end of themselves, merely to keep peace in the family.

It's sad.

Women have been denounced as the weaker sex for so long that some have come to terms with it.

So many women are forced to continue in unhappy marriages because they are convinced that without a partner they will never survive.

Many women are bursting with talents and desires but have to suppress it all because it does not please the man of the house.

Father, brother, husband, one after the other, the Indian woman has to bow her head to the wishes of the men in her life, before her own. Whether she likes it or not, whether she wants to or not.

Permissions are needed even to go for a movie or a simple lunch outing. They're so used to it that it's a way of life now.

There had been a time when I was very young, when I had literally been under lockdown and not allowed out alone much. Thankfully marriage, kids and a great job changed all that.

At times some women are even unluckier than the rest.

Sometimes her femininity is her curse and she has to suffer the inhumane humiliation of being overwhelmed physically and violated violently.

If only all men would understand and accept that a woman is much more than just a body. But that's a whole other topic for another day and another post.

Now you'd think that women would appreciate women the most. Not really.

I'm forced to say that of the few who have stabbed me in the back some were, sadly, women. However I am grateful to them, for because of them I've grown stronger and wiser.

But I wish to give due credit to my own spirit for the person I've become.

Despite the attitude of the society I live in, despite the hostility and suspicion I'm often forced to face and at times from family and friends even, I have still succeeded to be selfish enough to live a life for myself. And I confess that it is the strength of my deep faith that has brought me this far.

Thankfully in today's day and age many recognise the worth of the woman.

I hope that when my daughters are grown capable adults, they would be treated with respect, they would be appreciated for their talents and skills, and they would be loved for the beautiful loving souls that they are and not just on days designated for women. But most of all, I hope they appreciate themselves, and they realise the beauty of being a woman.

Yet again I say, always always forgive

I must say, the response to an earlier post of mine was quite overwhelming, in fact it left me speechless, which believe me, is saying a lot!

I received so many personal messages and mails from many I know and from many others I haven't yet met, and most of them supported my stand and shared my views. However a few dear ones took things a notch further and claimed that they could feel pain in my words. And then there were a few others who stated that I should just let go, apparently they got the impression that I'm still down and depressed over relationships long dead.

All in all, I feel compelled to set things straight.

Believe me, I do not dwell on the past. Life has proved to me that every day that comes is better than the day that's passed. So I prefer to live in the present as best as I can and hope for the best in the times ahead. It isn't easy especially during those times when the past sweeps its way in, but most of the time I manage. If I'm happy or sad, angry or just down I prefer to live in the mood and not relive it.

The hurt from betrayal can be long and painful, but the more you fan the flames the longer the pain lives on and that just won't take you anywhere other than to deeper agony, terrible remorse and a pitiful existence. But don't try suppressing your feelings either, trust me that doesn't help at all. Instead take the effort to focus on the better things in life and allow things to settle down naturally. Understand that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. It may take time but you will heal. Before you realise it you would have moved happily on.

We all take a thing or two from the past for keeps. Fond memories, treasured moments and in cases of hurt - the lessons learnt.

I've been let down painfully by family, those closer than family and a few friends. Thankfully, I've tried to learn from the experiences and the biggest lesson they taught me was to realise how wonderful my other relationships were!

For everyone you lose you gain someone far better.

Gradually I stopped missing those who had chosen not to value my worth and soon I was grateful for their exit because they left behind a space that was filled by those far more deserving.

Therefore I say, be thankful for everyone who loves you and is with you and by you, they are worth your time, love and efforts. But be even more grateful for those who are no longer a part of your life, believe me, your world is far better without them.

Some may hurt you unintentionally, have the heart to forgive and the grace to give several second chances if need be, but only until your faith in them remains. There may come a time when they cross the line of no return. In which case close the door behind them.

You cannot control the loyalty of another. No matter how you are to them do not expect them to treat you likewise.

You may love with all your heart and soul but always know that you cannot compel another to love you in the million ways you long to be cared for. You can only teach yourself to be satisfied with the little they give. Not because that is what you deserve but because they have chosen to value you at only so much. They may mean the world to you but if they choose another over you then have the ability to know that it's their loss. It isn't your fault. Don't ever allow another to decide your worth.

What is right and correct by you may not be so for others.

Accept that just as you can't help being the person that you are, others can't help the way they think or behave.

Understand that ego is an ugly beast that rears its vicious head even in the most innocent of hearts. Do not allow it to reside within you, for then what would be the difference between you and those who have turned against you?

Always be the bigger person. Forgive. Always. Not for their sakes but for yours. The peace of mind that is born from a forgiving heart is but bliss.

Let go of the anger. Have faith in bigger greater things. I do. My faith is my strength.

There had been a time when I was accused of being a dark carrier of misfortune, so much so that I too ended up believing in it. But divinity saved me, revealing to me how, on various occasions, I was but the opposite.

Have no regrets because everything that happens always happens for the best.

Choose to let go of the ugly and the ugliness they bear. I delight in the better things in life. After all we have just one life so live it as well and as happily as you can. With those who know you and love you for who you are. You have no time to waste on the rest.

Do your best to right every wrong, but if it is beyond you then allow yourself to let go and move on, believing that a brightness awaits you at the turn of the corner ahead.

My biggest vices are my possessiveness and my insatiable greed for more love from those I love. The former has ruined the best and the latter added in the dirt. But still I shamelessly declare, this is me and this is the me I'll always be.

Once bitten twice shy as they say! To the winds with them I say!

Love as freely and as wildly as you wish! The world is so full of people who deserve to be loved with abandon.

Just be cautious with those who've caused pain. Remember lessons taught. Not for vengeance or revenge but merely to protect yourself from being hurt again.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier post, if they've betrayed you once they will not hesitate to hurt you again.

Why tumult yourself with all that pain yet again? You've learnt their true colours, you've experienced the pain they've caused, you've seen how low they'll stoop, love yourself enough to protect yourself from them henceforth.

Hence always remember to forgive but to never forget. For your own sake.

Let the pain leave but hold on to the lessons learnt.

Understand that everyone is selfish. Some will be with you only when they have the need, your needs will not matter. Others do what they can for their own betterment and if you are a rung on their ladder then they will have no qualms slamming you down in their efforts to climb up.

Don't allow them to beat you down. Instead believe that you and the person that you are will eventually take you to the top and the truth will be revealed.

One thing I always bear in mind is that I too may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another. No one is perfect, least of all me. This thought alone helps me forgive.

When I look back to the experiences that have the shaped the person that I've become I am truly grateful for those who have loved me unconditionally and for those who have chosen not to.

I believe I am greatly blessed and therefore I know I am beloved to God. Today I have wonderful friends, a loving family, a great job, a fabulous home and the foresight to believe that each new day brings new joys. I am happy. My heart is free. And that's the way I would always want to be.

Ennu ninde Moideen

A small village. A muslim boy. A Hindu girl. Both from prestigious families and of course the usual happens. They fall in love.

Families are naturally outraged and defiantly object. And with equal defiance the pair choose to remain committed to each other.. Sounds stereotyped already right? Well now picture that scenario in the mid-fifties, where caste and religion played the one major role in everyday living.

Turn to look at the boy and see a confident, active communist, sportsman, actor and an over all hero. Look further and you'll see the girl, a smart intelligent medical student who stood her ground against racialism in her class at a time when higher professional education for girls was a rare luxury. Be with her as the love of a man she admires for his ideals is revealed to her, through innocuous brilliant efforts. And thus allow yourself to drown in their story. The story of Moideen and Kanchana.

A tale that weaves through over two decades of heartache and so much love.

A tale where two youngsters choose patience over passion, and decide to wait till the incessant storms pass over.

A tale that narrates the faith the couple had in each other and their relentless need for each other despite fears and threats of social discord.

A tale that tells of a man who respected the wishes of the woman he loved and waited for years, only because that was what she desired.

Witness the depths of love of a woman who allowed her family to imprison her in the confines of her home for years on end.

Perceive the lives of a desperate couple that tried and tried again to attempt at a life together and never gave up despite each thwarted effort.

Too mushy? Too filmy maybe?

Well, what if this really happened?

What if, way back in the fifties there were indeed two young people whose only fault was that they fell in love at a time and an age when it was unheard and almost criminal to wed across castes and definitely impossible to even imagine from another faith.

Isn't it then a story worth telling? And this story has indeed been sensitively told ensuring that the young lovers steal a bit of your heart along the way.

What perhaps is amazing about this tale is how they never chose to give up. Despite all odds.

Their only reiteration to their love were the letters that were smuggled to and fro with the help of the few that supported them.

Brilliant was the language they created to prevent the letters being read if caught.

But again, mostly touching was the fact that they stayed faithfully and deeply in love and apart for over twenty years.

Only to not be united at all.

Believe me, if you have a touch of romance in your heart this story will not fail to move you.


R S Vimal's attempt to bring immortality to this beautiful love story is definitely a great work of art.


Natural and captivating are the performances of Prithviraj in the role of Moideen and Parvathi as the pretty Kanchana.

Rain, as in most Indian romances these days, plays a vital role here as well.

Beautifully balancing the pain is the humor that is seamlessly added to the movie.

The songs and the background score have done absolute justice to the movie, dedicated to one of the greatest love stories that Kerala can claim as her own.

Every character has done justice to their roles but eventually our attention and our hearts remain with Moideen and Kanchana.

Especially when you know that the real-life Kanchana still lives in Moideen's home as his unwed widow and he still lives in her heart as her eternal lover.

Definitely worth watching. And knowing that all of it, every bit of it, actually took place all those years ago, does indeed light a small spark of hope within oneself. That there still may be hope for us after all. That we too may find that one true love who not just loves but respects and accepts you for who you are, and who promises to be yours until the end of time, come what may.

As Moideen says of his beloved, 'She does indeed have a beautiful face, but she has a far more beautiful heart.'

And she in turn says of him, 'I love him a thousand and hundred thousand times more than you can possibly imagine and I know he loves me a million fold more than that.'

It's so easy to utter such words, but this couple proved to the world that their promise to each other to be the other's was the greatest thing in the world for them and that they would do, and actually did do everything to live by that.

The script captures the essence of their love, while depicting the social instability and inequality of those long ago days. This movie is a definite must see and the director, R S Vimal deserves a round of applause. So too do the lead pair.

What better way could such a story of love be made immortal than dedicating it to all generations as a movie?

Ennu Ninde Moideen

My personal commandments

Many of us go through life at a random pace, reacting and behaving instinctively to situations. At least that was how I had been until fairly recently. I would allow myself to bend and adjust to each situation or react wildly and madly and often I would allow life and fate and others get the better of me.

I would suffer blows, pull myself up only to suffer more blows, life was often just survived and not really lived. In fact, I strongly believed that my happiness was in the hands of another until I allowed life to be my teacher and ever since, I have learnt some great lessons. I am now slowly tutoring myself to implement these lessons as principles for a better living, and honestly, I find myself more at peace these days than I did in a long time.

1. My happiness is my responsibility. 

How wonderful it would have been if someone would just take over the responsibility of doing everything possible to make you happy. It's a great dream but that's all it is, a dream. No one knows better of what makes you happy other than yourself. And no one would bother beyond a limit to ensure you're always smiling. Why? Well, that's because their happiness matters more to them than yours. So, buck up and take charge of your life. Realise that it's your own choice whether you would allow yourself to be happy or not. Whether you would allow yourself to be affected or influenced by the actions or decisions of another, by the twists and turns of fate, or even by your own moods.

2. My peace of mind is my responsibility

Believe me, no one, no matter how much they claim to love or care, no one really bothers about your peace of mind. If you are not at peace, you're the only one troubled, no one else is affected. So think long and hard before you blow out your mind's tranquility. Wouldn't it be far better to just take a deep breath, think better thoughts and move on?

3. Always ensure self respect.

Never stoop too low, never bend way over, never give in so much that you lose your own identity. It won't hurt to give in or bend over for someone who matters, especially if it makes them happy but don't lose yourself in the process. At the end of the day, if you have no respect for yourself then how can you expect the respect of others?

4. Do not be selfish. Except at times.  

What goes around, comes around. Good or bad. It's great to do all you can for another, but not at any cost. Some times some things are just not worth the effort. So don't be naive, and choose wisely.

5. Give away as much love, kindness, goodness and time as possible.

It won't hurt to be kind, it definitely won't matter if you spend time with those who love and need you. You lose nothing, in fact you gain so much the more you give, but only if you give without expecting or wanting anything back in return.
There's nothing wrong in doing what you can for another, but remember, never should it be at the cost of your own happiness. Do not be a doormat.

6. There is no such thing as 'soulmates'. I belong to no one and no one is mine. There are just great companions and that too is not a necessity.

It took a while to get rid of the romantic notion that there's a soulmate out there for each and everyone. In fact it was rather a relief to realise that there's really no such thing. Some are luckier than most and get to share their lives with someone who is compatible and on the same plane. The rest just have to make do with what they get, but if our happiness and peace of mind depends on each of us then why do we need to depend on another at all? If we are with another, it should be a matter of choice, nothing else.



7. My children are my greatest priority. No sacrifice is too great if it is for them.



This is probably the mantra of every parent.







8. Accept that I am not perfect, but allow myself to be as I am. Be myself always. 

Be the person that you are. Never go out of your way to alter yourself or change yourself only to suit the requirements of another, they would never understand or appreciate the effort. If you change then change for the better and only because that's what you want. Do what you believe is right and good for you be it in the way you dress, speak, behave and think. Do not allow anyone else define the person that you are. If you live on the terms of another, it should be because you choose to do so. Do not let anyone else be supreme over you. That is God's sole right.
Do not look in the mirror and find faults, look at yourself and admire what is beautiful.
Do not be afraid to reveal your weaknesses. Do not be proud about your strengths.

9. It's normal to feel angry, depressed, anxious, self righteous and many another negative emotion.

You can and probably should vent out once in a while just don't dwell on such negativity for too long. Life is too short and too beautiful to waste on such ugliness. And no one is worth ruining even a moment of your life for.

10. I'm just an ordinary person. I can't like everyone and I cannot expect everyone to like me. 

Try your best to be with those who love you and whom you love. Be patient with the rest. But treat one and all with respect. Apologise if you go wrong or make a mistake. Express gratitude for everything anyone does for you.

11. Be dependent only on God and believe that you have the strength to live your life the way you choose.

At the end of the day, your life is yours alone. How you live it is your choice. Enjoy your own company and realise that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, you can be your best friend.

12. Always be grateful to God for the glory that is life. 

God loves you. Believe that there is always a rainbow beyond the cloud. That there's always a positive side to everything negative. That everything, every single thing in life happens for your own good, because God is the way and He is the only one, who knows better than you, what is best for you.

The fault that is me

I won't deny, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And those who know me know this well. I would like to believe that over the years I've mellowed down, tempered with the tests and trials of time and life, but once in a while someone would come along, and more often than not it would be someone near and extremely dear, and he would whip away the blinds from eyes and present to me the person that I actually am, and I am left to cower, and bow my head in shame.

I have a set of ideals that I choose to stubbornly adhere to come what may, and woe to him who chooses to see things differently.

Being a Scorpion I then tend to attack not just my attacker but myself in the process yet am numb to the pain I inflict on myself as my focus is only on hurting back the one who had the audacity to hurt me in the first place.

I often wonder why I am the way that I am. I often try to repair myself. Improve my being. And at times I think I manage to be bearable, but then again, a change in circumstances has me right at the start once more.

My temper is vile, my tongue ferocious, my passion uncontrollable.

Some are convinced that they can restrain me, tutor me and straighten me out. Poor souls! I am my own master. I abide by own rules. Therefore I am lonely and sad many a time.

I manage to keep myself within limits by keeping most of myself to myself, therefore I may have very many acquaintances but few friends. I prefer it that way, it helps me protect others from myself. Unfortunately I love with a passion as well, and some fall prey to that apparently sweet side of me and at times I can't help myself and I reciprocate. Only the strong hearted and strong willed have managed to survive with me and by me through the years, the rest have chosen to voluntarily fall off the wagon.

Am I so terribly bad? Maybe I am my own greatest critic.

Do I have anything worthwhile within me? I doubt it but again I am my own greatest critic, but then no one knows me better than myself.

What could possibly be so wrong with me?

Well possessiveness is a trait that won't get you far and I am extremely possessive of all that I love and more over all that love me. To have another receive more favour than me from one who has my favour is beyond my ability to bear. All logic and common sense flees me during such moments.

I have often been told that I have a stubborn chin, and it shows in my nature too. If convinced about  something then it takes quite a bit to convince me otherwise.

Anger comes to me with a roaring passion and then I once more defy logic and give in to the consuming exhaustive fire of wrath.

I get no pleasure in hurting another but I derive less pleasure in being hurt. I know just which buttons to push and which levers to twist to ensure I deliver as much or more pain than I am subjected to.

The ability to use words may be a talent but to use words as a weapon is the worst form of battle and I am a master at that art.

Thus on many a long lonely evening I take a long scathing look at myself and am despised at what I am. And I wonder, would I ever get the chance to make a start anew?

And then I discovered prayer.

Prayer is the only way I manage to tame the wildness within me. Prayer is what helps me keep myself under a tight rein. Prayer is what keeps me going on, wanting to better myself for the better of others.

Through prayer I can rage and cry and yell and scream when life doesn't go the way I demand it too, and I let it all out with the absolute confidence that He who is listening and who is bearing my temper is made of way stronger stuff and has way more patience and love within Him to bear all my nonsense and still hold my hand and wipe my tears and love me more.

Through prayer I can sob and cry and give vent to pain and sorrow and know that He understands and His compassion is for me, His love is mine.

Through prayer I give thanks for the strength to keep trying, the need to keep trying, and joy when my attempts succeed, for I know, I can merely try it is He who pulls and pushes and prods me on till I actually make it.

Through prayer I understand the meaning of love, the goodness of being good and kind, the quality of selflessness and through prayer I strive to please He who never ever lets me down.

He knows me for what I am and yet He still loves me and that tells me, maybe there's hope for me after all.

Realities learnt.

It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.