Yet again I say, always always forgive

I must say, the response to an earlier post of mine was quite overwhelming, in fact it left me speechless, which believe me, is saying a lot!

I received so many personal messages and mails from many I know and from many others I haven't yet met, and most of them supported my stand and shared my views. However a few dear ones took things a notch further and claimed that they could feel pain in my words. And then there were a few others who stated that I should just let go, apparently they got the impression that I'm still down and depressed over relationships long dead.

All in all, I feel compelled to set things straight.

Believe me, I do not dwell on the past. Life has proved to me that every day that comes is better than the day that's passed. So I prefer to live in the present as best as I can and hope for the best in the times ahead. It isn't easy especially during those times when the past sweeps its way in, but most of the time I manage. If I'm happy or sad, angry or just down I prefer to live in the mood and not relive it.

The hurt from betrayal can be long and painful, but the more you fan the flames the longer the pain lives on and that just won't take you anywhere other than to deeper agony, terrible remorse and a pitiful existence. But don't try suppressing your feelings either, trust me that doesn't help at all. Instead take the effort to focus on the better things in life and allow things to settle down naturally. Understand that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. It may take time but you will heal. Before you realise it you would have moved happily on.

We all take a thing or two from the past for keeps. Fond memories, treasured moments and in cases of hurt - the lessons learnt.

I've been let down painfully by family, those closer than family and a few friends. Thankfully, I've tried to learn from the experiences and the biggest lesson they taught me was to realise how wonderful my other relationships were!

For everyone you lose you gain someone far better.

Gradually I stopped missing those who had chosen not to value my worth and soon I was grateful for their exit because they left behind a space that was filled by those far more deserving.

Therefore I say, be thankful for everyone who loves you and is with you and by you, they are worth your time, love and efforts. But be even more grateful for those who are no longer a part of your life, believe me, your world is far better without them.

Some may hurt you unintentionally, have the heart to forgive and the grace to give several second chances if need be, but only until your faith in them remains. There may come a time when they cross the line of no return. In which case close the door behind them.

You cannot control the loyalty of another. No matter how you are to them do not expect them to treat you likewise.

You may love with all your heart and soul but always know that you cannot compel another to love you in the million ways you long to be cared for. You can only teach yourself to be satisfied with the little they give. Not because that is what you deserve but because they have chosen to value you at only so much. They may mean the world to you but if they choose another over you then have the ability to know that it's their loss. It isn't your fault. Don't ever allow another to decide your worth.

What is right and correct by you may not be so for others.

Accept that just as you can't help being the person that you are, others can't help the way they think or behave.

Understand that ego is an ugly beast that rears its vicious head even in the most innocent of hearts. Do not allow it to reside within you, for then what would be the difference between you and those who have turned against you?

Always be the bigger person. Forgive. Always. Not for their sakes but for yours. The peace of mind that is born from a forgiving heart is but bliss.

Let go of the anger. Have faith in bigger greater things. I do. My faith is my strength.

There had been a time when I was accused of being a dark carrier of misfortune, so much so that I too ended up believing in it. But divinity saved me, revealing to me how, on various occasions, I was but the opposite.

Have no regrets because everything that happens always happens for the best.

Choose to let go of the ugly and the ugliness they bear. I delight in the better things in life. After all we have just one life so live it as well and as happily as you can. With those who know you and love you for who you are. You have no time to waste on the rest.

Do your best to right every wrong, but if it is beyond you then allow yourself to let go and move on, believing that a brightness awaits you at the turn of the corner ahead.

My biggest vices are my possessiveness and my insatiable greed for more love from those I love. The former has ruined the best and the latter added in the dirt. But still I shamelessly declare, this is me and this is the me I'll always be.

Once bitten twice shy as they say! To the winds with them I say!

Love as freely and as wildly as you wish! The world is so full of people who deserve to be loved with abandon.

Just be cautious with those who've caused pain. Remember lessons taught. Not for vengeance or revenge but merely to protect yourself from being hurt again.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier post, if they've betrayed you once they will not hesitate to hurt you again.

Why tumult yourself with all that pain yet again? You've learnt their true colours, you've experienced the pain they've caused, you've seen how low they'll stoop, love yourself enough to protect yourself from them henceforth.

Hence always remember to forgive but to never forget. For your own sake.

Let the pain leave but hold on to the lessons learnt.

Understand that everyone is selfish. Some will be with you only when they have the need, your needs will not matter. Others do what they can for their own betterment and if you are a rung on their ladder then they will have no qualms slamming you down in their efforts to climb up.

Don't allow them to beat you down. Instead believe that you and the person that you are will eventually take you to the top and the truth will be revealed.

One thing I always bear in mind is that I too may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another. No one is perfect, least of all me. This thought alone helps me forgive.

When I look back to the experiences that have the shaped the person that I've become I am truly grateful for those who have loved me unconditionally and for those who have chosen not to.

I believe I am greatly blessed and therefore I know I am beloved to God. Today I have wonderful friends, a loving family, a great job, a fabulous home and the foresight to believe that each new day brings new joys. I am happy. My heart is free. And that's the way I would always want to be.

Always forgive..

But don't ever forget.

At one point or the other in the trip called life we all face betrayal, at times from those who're almost strangers but for most, the enemy turns out to be far closer to home and heart. And believe me, theirs is the worst of betrayals.

Only time and trials reveal true colours and I've learnt many a time, many a hard time rather, that not everyone is selfless or as committed to you as you are to them.

What do you do once you know?

I guess we all have our own ways of surviving such bitter experiences.

I have my own.

One lesson I've learnt early on in life is that if someone has the audacity to let you down once then be assured they wouldn't hesitate to let you down again.

Yet I forgive. Because that is what my faith teaches me.

However, I do not forget.

And it's not because I am arrogant or egoistic or stubborn or vengeful or childish or anything else.

I'm not out for revenge, in fact I have never borne any vengeance toward anyone because, yet again, my faith assures me that I have a God who will stand for me and avenge me for every wrong done upon me.

I choose not to forget simply because only I can protect myself. And remembering the hurt keeps me from getting hurt again.

I do not have the power to change the character or attitude of another. It is not upto me to prove my worth to someone who chooses not to value it. Therefore I choose to stay away. Just so that I can keep my heart from hurting. I choose to ensure that I do not give such people the opportunity to attack my defenceless self yet again.

When you're let down by those you least expect to abandon you, you're drenched in disbelief. You wage against the treachery, refusing to accept the inevitable truth. Then, as reality sets in it brings in its wake a vicious rage. How dare they let you down??

Eventually the anguish takes over and the pain  that follows is deep and scarring.

You will gradually move on with life, and at this stage I often find myself grateful for the awareness that I now own of those I once believed to be kindred souls but who were never really on the same trail.

Many have told me to forgive and forget. Easy to say when you're just the onlooker. Would they do as they preach if they were the victim? Because being in those shoes is a whole different story.

Sure I forgive. I don't think there's a soul that has done me so much wrong that my heart has struggled with the inability to forgive.

But I never forget. In fact I don't even try.

Because the lesson was painfully learnt and to forget meant I was at risk of having to suffer the same pain and learn the same hurtful lesson yet again.

My mind gears up and draws the lines for me, protecting me with a selfish fierceness. Ensuring that distances are maintained and I remain safe.

However I must add, it takes a lot to shake my faith.

I  know I am not perfect thus I do not expect anyone else to be perfect either.

Imperfections do not dissuade me from relationships.

I can love with unbridled passion and am faithful to a fault. Once committed, then not much can shake my allegiance. And as mentioned earlier I always forgive and I do forget quite a bit, until it's a bit too much.

You see, I unfortunately possess certain unstated norms that I hold religious when it comes to relationships, and faithfulness stands above all else.

When I am true to you the least I would wish for is for you to be true to me too. But then again, if you're fake and act truthful then how would I ever know the actual truth?

From a very young age I've been selfishly protective of my own peace of mind because my peace concerns only me.

On various sad occasions through the years I've had to witness the revelation of the actual viciously selfish nature of those I believed loved me as dearly as I loved them.

The love is still and will always be within me but the trust will never live on.

There have been some who have bitched about me behind my back for years. Much of what I shared in good faith was shared with others. At times so much was blown out of proportion that I was totally blown when I was finally brought to light.

I would often take so long to accept the truth and in most cases I would relent only when the facts stare at me in the face. I then realise that warning signals had been beeping and blinking violently for a long time but I had been too blinded by my bond to the relationship to see and know and accept the real truth. Eventually I pay dearly. Every time.

You would think once you've covered a couple of decades you would know to choose friends wisely, you would be assured that if you've known someone all your life or you're friends for over a decade then surely you know the other thoroughly enough, but how would you know the wolves if they're cleverly disguised in tailor-made sheep's clothing?

I know I'm nothing great, and of course I am worse than most, but surely a relationship means overseeing all that and loving the other despite it all? At least that is how I love everyone in my life and how I hope to be loved in return.

Anyway, I've slowly accepted life at its terms. These bitter experiences have taught me to be enormously grateful for the many true, beautiful friends standing faithfully by me and with me over the years.

I am grateful that I was the bigger person in every such situation. I chose not to counter-attack such people, for if I do then what would be the difference between them and me? Instead I chose to stay away. The worse the betrayal the further away I drift.

I am grateful that my heart would never concede to being cunning and conniving but chooses merely to carry on and be what I am and do what I can to make my life good.

I am glad that at the end of the day I can be happy with the person that I am. I am what I am. I have my faults but at least I do not pretend, and I definitely do not bitch. If I do indeed choose to bitch then it wouldn't be behind anyone's backs.

Anyway life was moving on happily until recently a careless comment by someone I wished understood me better declared I forgive and forget hence this post!

Yes I will forgive. I already have. Those who betray can't help being fake. That is their imperfection, God knows I have mine so who am I to point fingers?

But no, I won't forget. I can't. I shouldn't. The hurt was too much. The deceit was too much. I prefer not to have to learn that lesson again. At least not from the same people.

My personal commandments

Many of us go through life at a random pace, reacting and behaving instinctively to situations. At least that was how I had been until fairly recently. I would allow myself to bend and adjust to each situation or react wildly and madly and often I would allow life and fate and others get the better of me.

I would suffer blows, pull myself up only to suffer more blows, life was often just survived and not really lived. In fact, I strongly believed that my happiness was in the hands of another until I allowed life to be my teacher and ever since, I have learnt some great lessons. I am now slowly tutoring myself to implement these lessons as principles for a better living, and honestly, I find myself more at peace these days than I did in a long time.

1. My happiness is my responsibility. 

How wonderful it would have been if someone would just take over the responsibility of doing everything possible to make you happy. It's a great dream but that's all it is, a dream. No one knows better of what makes you happy other than yourself. And no one would bother beyond a limit to ensure you're always smiling. Why? Well, that's because their happiness matters more to them than yours. So, buck up and take charge of your life. Realise that it's your own choice whether you would allow yourself to be happy or not. Whether you would allow yourself to be affected or influenced by the actions or decisions of another, by the twists and turns of fate, or even by your own moods.

2. My peace of mind is my responsibility

Believe me, no one, no matter how much they claim to love or care, no one really bothers about your peace of mind. If you are not at peace, you're the only one troubled, no one else is affected. So think long and hard before you blow out your mind's tranquility. Wouldn't it be far better to just take a deep breath, think better thoughts and move on?

3. Always ensure self respect.

Never stoop too low, never bend way over, never give in so much that you lose your own identity. It won't hurt to give in or bend over for someone who matters, especially if it makes them happy but don't lose yourself in the process. At the end of the day, if you have no respect for yourself then how can you expect the respect of others?

4. Do not be selfish. Except at times.  

What goes around, comes around. Good or bad. It's great to do all you can for another, but not at any cost. Some times some things are just not worth the effort. So don't be naive, and choose wisely.

5. Give away as much love, kindness, goodness and time as possible.

It won't hurt to be kind, it definitely won't matter if you spend time with those who love and need you. You lose nothing, in fact you gain so much the more you give, but only if you give without expecting or wanting anything back in return.
There's nothing wrong in doing what you can for another, but remember, never should it be at the cost of your own happiness. Do not be a doormat.

6. There is no such thing as 'soulmates'. I belong to no one and no one is mine. There are just great companions and that too is not a necessity.

It took a while to get rid of the romantic notion that there's a soulmate out there for each and everyone. In fact it was rather a relief to realise that there's really no such thing. Some are luckier than most and get to share their lives with someone who is compatible and on the same plane. The rest just have to make do with what they get, but if our happiness and peace of mind depends on each of us then why do we need to depend on another at all? If we are with another, it should be a matter of choice, nothing else.



7. My children are my greatest priority. No sacrifice is too great if it is for them.



This is probably the mantra of every parent.







8. Accept that I am not perfect, but allow myself to be as I am. Be myself always. 

Be the person that you are. Never go out of your way to alter yourself or change yourself only to suit the requirements of another, they would never understand or appreciate the effort. If you change then change for the better and only because that's what you want. Do what you believe is right and good for you be it in the way you dress, speak, behave and think. Do not allow anyone else define the person that you are. If you live on the terms of another, it should be because you choose to do so. Do not let anyone else be supreme over you. That is God's sole right.
Do not look in the mirror and find faults, look at yourself and admire what is beautiful.
Do not be afraid to reveal your weaknesses. Do not be proud about your strengths.

9. It's normal to feel angry, depressed, anxious, self righteous and many another negative emotion.

You can and probably should vent out once in a while just don't dwell on such negativity for too long. Life is too short and too beautiful to waste on such ugliness. And no one is worth ruining even a moment of your life for.

10. I'm just an ordinary person. I can't like everyone and I cannot expect everyone to like me. 

Try your best to be with those who love you and whom you love. Be patient with the rest. But treat one and all with respect. Apologise if you go wrong or make a mistake. Express gratitude for everything anyone does for you.

11. Be dependent only on God and believe that you have the strength to live your life the way you choose.

At the end of the day, your life is yours alone. How you live it is your choice. Enjoy your own company and realise that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, you can be your best friend.

12. Always be grateful to God for the glory that is life. 

God loves you. Believe that there is always a rainbow beyond the cloud. That there's always a positive side to everything negative. That everything, every single thing in life happens for your own good, because God is the way and He is the only one, who knows better than you, what is best for you.

Realities learnt.

It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.