The Beauty of Prayer

I have always prayed from when I was a little girl. I've gone to Sunday school though not exactly by choice. I spent my teens attending daily mass, yet again not really by choice, but my fondest memories of prayer as a child, were the few minutes I'd spent every evening with my mother at my bedside. Leaning against her shoulder as she read a story for me from my children's Bible, followed with a recitation of the Our Father and then, best of all, a few moments to speak to God directly. Those moments, with folded hands and tightly shut eyes, would be full of fervent requests and petitions- please help me remember my tables, help me avoid games and so on and so forth. But even in those tender days, I knew in my heart, if I asked, I would receive, for nothing could possibly be beyond God, the creator of everything.

Today, years later, the moments of prayer I cherish the most are when my daughters and I snuggle on the bed every night and the elder one reads a passage from the Bible and the younger one recites the Father's prayer and prays for all our family. Every evening we thank the Lord with truthful hearts for the abundant blessings He has showered upon us and for His guidance into every moment ahead.

The greatest blessing I believe I have personally been granted was having been taught from a very young age that God is with us, a kind and loving God who watches over us every moment of our lives. Who knows our every thought, who sees our every deed, and no matter how bad we are or how sinful, He never stops loving us and all He wishes is we know Him and have faith in Him.

I had been trained to pray at the end of every day and to wake with a prayer of thankfulness every morning. As a child and later in my youth such prayers had been merely ritual but as life moved on from one phase to another, I realised that the one force that remained constantly by my side was my God. He listened to me when no one else did. He stood by me when everyone else brushed me away. He just wouldn't let me fall no matter how often trials and others tried to push me down. He taught me to have faith not just in Him but in myself, because He has absolute unquestioning faith in me.

I don't claim to spend long hours each day in prayer and meditation. I am incapable of such patient continuous focus. But I'm a talker and my regular conversation with God is my way of prayer. Every moment I get free I talk to Him. It could be while I'm cooking or driving. Or praying. I just talk. I tell Him of my day, not that He doesn't know but I still share. I reveal my fears and share my dreams. I tell Him of all my disappointments and hopes, and I thank Him for taking care of me and my family and everyone I love for I know His presence is our greatest shield, the only shield we need.

To me, the greatest beauty of prayer however is that I can also grumble and complain and bicker and squabble at Him and He would just grin and wait patiently till I settled down. He would never take offence. He would never hold a grudge. He would never reciprocate in kind with anger or rage.

At first I would feel horrible every time I took my rage out on my God, and it took me a while to understand that He doesn't mind at all because He knows what my heart truly is. And what a relief it is to let go of every frustration, to let out all that anger, to reveal my insecurities, or to just cry my heart out when depression and stress gets too much for my weak shoulders to bear. And if you can do all that with someone you can trust completely, someone you have total faith in, someone who wouldn't misunderstand you, or hate you or judge you then what more could you possibly want?

Through the Bible He speaks to me. He shows me He hears me when He takes care of my every need, He lets me know He's always there for me when He fills me with His goodness, never allowing me to dwell on the negative. He reveals His presence in my conscience and always lets me know what is right or wrong.

He is my true friend. He is my Father. My Owner. My Guide. And with Him by my side every moment of my life, I am never alone.

My God is my greatest strength. My conversation with Him is my most beautiful prayer.

The fault that is me

I won't deny, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And those who know me know this well. I would like to believe that over the years I've mellowed down, tempered with the tests and trials of time and life, but once in a while someone would come along, and more often than not it would be someone near and extremely dear, and he would whip away the blinds from eyes and present to me the person that I actually am, and I am left to cower, and bow my head in shame.

I have a set of ideals that I choose to stubbornly adhere to come what may, and woe to him who chooses to see things differently.

Being a Scorpion I then tend to attack not just my attacker but myself in the process yet am numb to the pain I inflict on myself as my focus is only on hurting back the one who had the audacity to hurt me in the first place.

I often wonder why I am the way that I am. I often try to repair myself. Improve my being. And at times I think I manage to be bearable, but then again, a change in circumstances has me right at the start once more.

My temper is vile, my tongue ferocious, my passion uncontrollable.

Some are convinced that they can restrain me, tutor me and straighten me out. Poor souls! I am my own master. I abide by own rules. Therefore I am lonely and sad many a time.

I manage to keep myself within limits by keeping most of myself to myself, therefore I may have very many acquaintances but few friends. I prefer it that way, it helps me protect others from myself. Unfortunately I love with a passion as well, and some fall prey to that apparently sweet side of me and at times I can't help myself and I reciprocate. Only the strong hearted and strong willed have managed to survive with me and by me through the years, the rest have chosen to voluntarily fall off the wagon.

Am I so terribly bad? Maybe I am my own greatest critic.

Do I have anything worthwhile within me? I doubt it but again I am my own greatest critic, but then no one knows me better than myself.

What could possibly be so wrong with me?

Well possessiveness is a trait that won't get you far and I am extremely possessive of all that I love and more over all that love me. To have another receive more favour than me from one who has my favour is beyond my ability to bear. All logic and common sense flees me during such moments.

I have often been told that I have a stubborn chin, and it shows in my nature too. If convinced about  something then it takes quite a bit to convince me otherwise.

Anger comes to me with a roaring passion and then I once more defy logic and give in to the consuming exhaustive fire of wrath.

I get no pleasure in hurting another but I derive less pleasure in being hurt. I know just which buttons to push and which levers to twist to ensure I deliver as much or more pain than I am subjected to.

The ability to use words may be a talent but to use words as a weapon is the worst form of battle and I am a master at that art.

Thus on many a long lonely evening I take a long scathing look at myself and am despised at what I am. And I wonder, would I ever get the chance to make a start anew?

And then I discovered prayer.

Prayer is the only way I manage to tame the wildness within me. Prayer is what helps me keep myself under a tight rein. Prayer is what keeps me going on, wanting to better myself for the better of others.

Through prayer I can rage and cry and yell and scream when life doesn't go the way I demand it too, and I let it all out with the absolute confidence that He who is listening and who is bearing my temper is made of way stronger stuff and has way more patience and love within Him to bear all my nonsense and still hold my hand and wipe my tears and love me more.

Through prayer I can sob and cry and give vent to pain and sorrow and know that He understands and His compassion is for me, His love is mine.

Through prayer I give thanks for the strength to keep trying, the need to keep trying, and joy when my attempts succeed, for I know, I can merely try it is He who pulls and pushes and prods me on till I actually make it.

Through prayer I understand the meaning of love, the goodness of being good and kind, the quality of selflessness and through prayer I strive to please He who never ever lets me down.

He knows me for what I am and yet He still loves me and that tells me, maybe there's hope for me after all.

Making it work

It always starts off so beautifully. The heightened pulse rate, the blushing cheeks, the urge to touch, the need to miss and be missed. Romantic relationships always start off like a rosy dream unbelievably come true.

Nothing feels more beautiful than to know you are wanted. Nothing is more gratifying than your need being reciprocated in equal measure. Those early days are always the best and the most memorable. Time would fly and the world would stand still and no one else would exist beyond the tiny circle of just you and him. Nothing else would matter.

But ensuring that the magic never ends isn't easy, especially after the novelty disappears. Trust me it's pure hard work. A relationship demands that both partners contribute and more often than not one partner would have to allow the balance to tilt in favour of the other. And that unfortunately, is the actual way of life.

But we can still make it beautiful. We can still keep the magic alive. It just depends on how badly you want to. It's all a matter of how much you're willing to accept.

Often we find couples dissipating. Where once there had been just sweet words and loving promises, we find sarcasm and fault finding.

So first, accept that no one is perfect.

Your dream partner has flaws. Weigh the good versus the not so good. If the flaws outweigh the rest then maybe you're with the wrong person but if your heart admires and appreciates him despite his imperfections then just give in a little, compromise a bit. After all, as I said, no one is perfect.

 Accept that every relationship demands compromise, in just about everything. Starting from major issues, like where you work or where you live to what you should wear or even eat.

Everything does not have to go your way. Just because you love each other does not mean you have to share the same points of view or interests. Go out of your way once in a while, it would give you a lot more happiness to make your partner happy than demand happiness from him.

Always ensure that respect has more prominence in the relationship than love.

We often hear of many who do so much for love. What we don't realise is that we can do much more out of respect. In fact it is easier to love someone than it is to love and respect a person. When you respect your partner, you enjoy knowing that you have his love.

Add romance to the relationship.

If it doesn't come spontaneously then make sure you take the effort to purposefully add some spice. Everything dull is brightened with just the right splash of colour. Send him a love message, call him out of the blue, give her a surprise gift, go out for a romantic drive, enjoy sunsets, take walks on the beach, enjoy silence with each other, make time for each other, make sure you tell each other why you love each other. Make sure you both know how much you love each other.

Accept that arguments and fights will happen, after all this is a relationship between two thinking, feeling human beings. Just make sure things do not escalate beyond a limit. When you realise the limits are within reach, go for a pause. Take time out. Breathe. And remind yourself of all the good times, it isn't easy at the heat of things, but do it and then ask yourself, is this argument really worth losing all that?

Accept that it isn't beneath you to give in, to accept mistakes, to apologise. After all if you cannot be honest about being wrong with the one you love then how honest can you be?

Accept that you cannot change another person but if you love someone then it shouldn't be very difficult to change yourself for him.

Accept that if things go wrong both of you are to blame. A relationship does not depend on just one person. It needs both partners to work to make things right.

It's always so easy to give in to negativity. To find fault. To blame. To give in to anger. To allow hatred seep in. Always know that love never disappears. Once born, love never dies. It can't even be killed. It just gets buried under all the negativity and emotion sometimes it gets buried so deep down that you are convinced it's no longer there. But it is. Believe that. It just needs patience and caring and effort to be uncovered and brought out again.

Accept that both of you have contributed to the relationship and never quantify your efforts. Do not cheapen the relationship or the other by pointing out what you've contributed, your partner might do the same and you may find yourself short in coming.

Accept that your relationship is just between the two of you. Do not allow a third person interfere especially if the interference is only for the worst.

Accept that every relationship deserves gratitude.

No one knows your flaws and faults better than you, and to have someone who loves you and chooses to be with you despite it all is a fact you should always be grateful for.

Accept that forgiveness and forgetfulness are the greatest accessories in a relationship.

It is natural to get hurt and to hurt in return in a relationship. Just make sure that you pull yourself up each time you're down, take a deep breath and move forward. Don't look back. What happened is over and done with. Learn from your mistakes, look to your future and keep on working at making things work.

Always believe that where there is love, there will always be a way.

The people within me

I've come to the conclusion that two individuals are residing within me and have been for a while. How they manage to coexist though is beyond my understanding. Because despite being special and unique they are poles apart in nature.

They are both extremely strong willed and possess separate well-defined beliefs and ideals yet they are unbelievably inseparable. Maybe that's because they don't have much of a choice, because their very existence demands that they remain intertwined forever.

And no, I do not have a split personality or a doppleganger syndrome.

I merely have a very soft mushy being in me that I call Heart and she has a lifelong reliable companion called Head. They can't do without each other but unfortunately, more times than not, they don't get along well with each other either.

Heart is exactly that. She's soft hearted, carefree and prone to love and to crave love. That's the only language she understands.

Head on the other hand, is sensible, realistic, cautious and has absolutely no time for sentimental nonsense. But don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad guy. In fact he's a great guy. He's kind and giving and caring with the urge to always do what is right. But he's still the guy. Should I say much more?

So Heart's the one who loves the fun while Head prefers to be suspicious of one and all, always on the lookout for danger, choosing to stay safe always. Troubleshooting and security management are his criteria while Heart loves romance, candlelit dinners, glorious sunsets and surprise gifts!

Heart's the impulsive of the two and is always rushing headlong into places Head cringes to even think of being in. He tries to hold her back, he tries reasoning, cautioning, scolding, counselling, he tries pretty much everything but there's only so much that he can do, because despite every advice Heart always turns the deaf ear to him. So all he can pretty much do is hope for the best, grab all his patience together and wait. Because he knows one thing for sure, she'll come back. At times happy and gleeful at her lucky escapades but many times disappointed and let down.

Head never lets Heart down though.

He celebrates with her when she's overjoyed. But he also holds her tight and gives her his shoulder to cry on when she wallows in pain. Head however has a problem, he has a temperament. He often loses control and gives in to terrible bouts of anger and frustration especially when he's overcome with helplessness at his inability to help Heart heal.

But again, Head is almost always the first to pull himself together and thankfully he never allows himself to drown in depression or anxiety for too long. So time and again he takes up the tedious task of coaching Heart, in an effort to pull her out of her misery. He repeatedly and patiently teaches her the lessons of life with presentations, explanations and proof, all in the desperate hope that she would finally learn, amend her ways and stick to life as it should be lived. He tries to show her where she'd gone wrong and where she needs to watch her step and for a short while she actually does pay attention.

But eventually Heart can't help herself and she gives in to the call of love, recklessly throwing all caution to the winds. Again.

Though Heart loves to love, Head is the possessive one. He hates it when Heart is misused or taken advantage of. It frustrates him that she doesn't see how naive she is and how others enjoy taking her for a ride. It hurts him that others don't value the beauty and innocence of all she's got to give. When Heart aches, Head hurts too. He wishes he could keep her all to himself. He wishes she'd be happy with just his company and nothing more. After all, who knew her better than him?

Heart on the other hand finds Head too serious and often tells him to lighten up, loosen up, relax and just enjoy each moment of each day.

She tries to explain to him that every time she fills herself up with hope and expectation, she's actually living. And though it hurts to be let down so often, she still has no regrets. Sure she'll cry and sob, but that's her way of getting over the pain because in a day or two she's ready to pick herself up, brush herself down and plunge right into the next ride. With the strong perpetual belief that this ride would be a glorious one.

She tries reasoning with him, as she tells him that that's the way she is, that's the way she has to be.

She needs to be full of love, expecting love, giving love. Birthing hope. All the time. That's the only way she can exist, the only way she can be happy.

Head always listens to her with patience. And since he believes he's the one with the intelligence, he actually feels he understands her. But he still can't help doing all he can to protect her. Because when Heart is hurt, Head feels the ache. So he is always planning and plotting. Working and reworking on how to secure every situation Heart finds herself in so that Heart would always be the beneficiary at the end. He's a sweet one, our Head. And Heart loves him dearly. Maybe it's because she knows she can always count on him that Heart knows she can spread her wings and fly, because she knows she has her sturdy dependable security net laid out beneath her wherever she may be. 

They're an amazing pair. So different yet so perfectly matched. So perfectly balanced.

When I ponder on them, my soul is struck with the realisation that Head and Heart are all I need for the perfect balanced existence. A happy peaceful existence. 

Realities learnt.

It seems like just yesterday I'd put in a post and then, lo and behold a whole year sort of went by before I realised I had a terrible itch to post!
It's crazy how time seems to fly by, and whether you're ready or not you have no choice but to hop on board and take the bumpy ride.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activities. Some have been great and some not so good.
I haven't really achieved anything at all personally and professionally, but then that's been the state I've been in for almost a decade now. A stable semi-floating dreamlike state. But I guess I have managed to do some good and bring some happiness to the few who love me (probably because I'm family!) and that should hold some credit.
Looking back I realise I have a lot of realisations piled up just waiting to be noticed.
The biggest being that I'm nearing forty and it's about time I understand that love isn't as rosy as it claims to be. Love and life are all just elements of one big practical exercise and you're constantly tested and tried till you pass only to be tried and tested again, and then again.
People are not what they seem, but then neither are you, truth be told.
Everyone has a purpose for everything.
Promises are not meant to be fulfilled but just kept until their purpose is served and then they are conveniently forgotten.
Proclamations, declarations are all merely that.
Am I sounding bitter? Yes I know I am.
But considering everything that's gone by, I believe I owe myself some dawdling in righteous bitterness.
And I look ahead and I realise if I have to see clearly up the road then I need to shake off all the shadows of yesterday.
I need to lay out my priorities straight.
Then I need to focus on them and only them.
Don't we all want that? I guess so.
I've always had priorities. Sure.
I've always had clear ideas on what was right and what was wrong.
I self-righteously had my own definitions and laws and I lived by them faithfully.
I didn't mind burning bridges to upkeep my faith.
But then, I got hit bad with the realisation that what is real and true and right to me was fickle, nonsensical and plain outright stupid to another.
So now when I look at what I am today, I find myself in a valley. Between yesterday and tomorrow. The drop was deep from the past. And it's tough long climb to the top ahead.
Today I learnt that there's no human helping hand out there who isn't there if not for a selfish reason.
Today I learnt that my priorities and my blacks and my whites are mine alone.
Others prefer shades of grey. Because it's easier that way.
Today I learnt that I could choose to follow the general route and school myself to give up definite colors and appreciate greys instead.
But I also learnt that to do that would mean taking the easier way out. A way that will merely take me to the top only to drop me down into the next valley and the next and the next. How do I know that? Because I've already tried it out.
Today I finally learnt that the black and white that my heart believed in is the person that I am. And no matter how I try and no matter how I convince myself that opting for grey would be more comfortable and probably more secure, I know that I will eventually revert to black and white. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And grey is definitely not me.
Is it easy to love me then you may ask. No it isn't. I know. But I would rather ask, would it be easy to respect me then? And I think yes, yes it would.
And on this day, at this age, I think I would prefer respect over love. Love hurts. It will always only hurt. That is what love loves to do. As for respect, that keeps your head high and your heart safe. Yesterday had been all about love. And that didn't get me anywhere. So today, I choose respect. As for tomorrow. Well, we can only wait and see.

The thrills of travel!

An acquaintance once told me that he didn't care much for monuments or history, that he found sightseeing to be boring and all he preferred to do whenever and wherever he travelled was shop. I won't deny that I felt quite sorry for him! I mean, what's the point of traveling anywhere if you have no interest about the place, its people, its past, its cultures, its flavors? Because every place in this world is unique and different from every other place. This particular acquaintance was on a stringent diet so trying out local cuisines was also out of the question for him! And worst was that he's one of a lucky few who have to travel regularly and extensively on work, from that moment on, all I could think was, what a waste that he gets to travel so much!
I, on the other hand, like millions of others, suffer an insatiable greed for travel. The excitement bubbles right from the moment travel plans are initiated. Once tickets are bought and flights are booked then the frenzy builds. I score reviews and posts of the experience many gone before me, brushing up on my history of the place I would soon see, charting the must-see spots, listing the cuisines I should try out and basically making sure I fill every moment of my stay with activities that would create the most wonderful memories of the trip ever.
From day one, every minute is an adventure and my imagination kicks into overdrive. While strolling down centuries-old forts or palaces I can see how life must have once been, rich and rustic, all those years ago. Of course one needs a really high sense of imagination when it comes to the forts of India with most in dilapidated states of destruction. Yet the magnificence of a regal past speaks loudly from the ruins. One such fort that took my breath away was the Amber Fort of Jaipur, sitting high and lofty on the hills.
History has always fascinated me. I enjoy the link the past has with the present and it helps me understand why today the world is the way it is. The experiences of a place over the years builds it character, develops its culture and gives it that touch of the unique that makes it different from another place. The customs of a place is unique to it too. For instance, in traditional Kerala, it used to be a custom for people to wash their feet before stepping into a house. Most homes would have vessels of water placed at the front door step for this very purpose!
I enjoy new flavors of foods I know I may never taste again and I relish the experience, though there are occasions when I have deigned to refuse a local delicacy or two, raw beef, however elegantly presented is a big no for me! I especially prefer to try out small eateries that appear popular with the locals, they serve the best fare. Of course, people would argue that you get all kinds of food at your doorstep these days, but watered down versions are incomparable to the original flavors brought on by authentic local ingredients.
However, though I claim to be a great fan of traveling, I unfortunately wouldn't call myself a nomad, for the heart is where home is and eventually I find my thoughts shamelessly wandering back home while the being is on the exotic streets of unknown regions and then I know, it's time to head back home, but only until the call of travel hunger returns.

A tough job!

There are times when I really wish there was a Bible on parenting. You know, just the one book that we can follow and be sure that if the principles are obeyed and faithfully acted upon then a happy and prosperous relationship will exist forever between parents and children. No such luck! Instead, we’re left to follow our instincts, our stupid beliefs that what we do and say is for our child’s benefit and most times end up making a mess of things!

Why is it so difficult to accept that the cute little baby who looked up at us with those ever-adoring eyes now prefers Facebook to your company? Since when did she develop a mind of her own when not so long ago she needed you to decide what she was to wear?

When did kids get so smart that they can figure out within seconds how your computer works when it took you ages?

Though the heart longs to make a friend of your child, you can’t curb the maternal instincts that lash out every time she makes a mistake or takes a wrong turn.

When do you stop being a mother? When do you be the friend you believe she needs? Or do you be a mother who’s the friend? Can that really happen?

Do you ever stop worrying?

At first it was mere common colds and indigestions that got you worked up, then it’s exams and school and boyfriends, where does it go from there? The worry never really stops, does it?

And what sort of parent would be the best, the ideal kind of parent? The strict one? The relaxed one? The caring one? Or the one who just lets be?

There are some parents I know who can’t help being strict, they’re so sure they’re doing what’s best for their child that they don’t see how badly the tender relationship they have with their child is deteriorating. They blindly believe that one day the child would know they were only acting in his best interest. But what if that day never came? Then what?

There are some parents who trust their children blindly. Letting them do and be as they please. Allowing them to make their own choices and decisions without guidance or care. Is that really fair? Don’t they see how lost and alone the child is?

And then there are parents who prefer to talk and communicate all the time. Patiently explaining and describing and apparently caring yet never admonishing even when the need for admonition is dire. They refuse to see the sort of menace their child is turning out to be. Is that real parenting?

Who then is the perfect parent?

Why is it so easy to aim to be caring when care is needed, to listen, to love, to scold and to support the one person who’s most important in the life of a parent, and yet when it comes down to the real thing, why is it that the parent loses all sense and control? And ends up doing and saying the stupidest things?

How often do you get the chance to make up for all the parental mistakes you make?

If only there was a Bible on parenting that we could follow blindly. How easy life would be for many, many parents!