Life lessons

It's been a while since my last post, which is perhaps why this is the perfect comeback for me personally!

Many mothers claim a bond with their unborn babies during pregnancy unfortunately I couldn't count myself as one of them, probably because it had all been way too new and a bit too much for me. The drastic physical changes, the consistent nausea, the lingering tiredness, the abnormal and perpetually swollen feet and of course, the belly that just kept growing larger and larger! Sure, I was thrilled to bits when my baby girl started to move within me but I was still too immature to value the experience more.

But the moment she was born, the moment I held her in my arms for the first time, that was when I knew, my life had changed forever. That was when I truly and completely fell in love for the first time ever; and in that moment I knew that what I felt in my heart was a love meant for always.

I realised then that I now had someone to whom I was committed to for life and longer. Someone who, as tiny as she may be, had claimed complete ownership over me, and whose bond to me was as unique and special as mine was with her.

And since that very moment my heart has never stopped dancing despite the years that have gone by.

It's been such a glorious journey. But to be honest it hasn't always been perfect. I've screwed up way more times than I would like to admit however this much I have to say my dear little one, within the past 18 years you have made a far better person of me than I ever dreamt I could possibly be, and I am always so grateful that God loved me enough to gift me with you. As a mother my greatest wish is to give you all that I have and all that you want. But perhaps the best I can give are the lessons I've learnt from my experiences and more so from my mistakes, so that hopefully you won't have to repeat them!

Before I begin though, allow me to say, my heart fills with so much pride every time I see the beautiful, wonderful person you've grown to be.

Sensible and delightful, you're the calm to my chaos. Of course, and thankfully, you have your own madnesses as well!

Every time I think of you and know you were born of me, my heart swells. Despite your young years, you have so much wisdom and you've taught me so much that I doubt there's much I can say that you don't already know but still, I'd like to give it a shot!

My dear child, just as your life and your dreams are your own, so is your happiness. Do not give anyone the key to your happiness, but keep it close to your heart. Do not expect anyone to take the effort to make and keep you happy at all times because, and this is one of the greatest truths I've learnt about life, your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's. It doesn't matter to anyone else that you be happy as much as it matters to you.

Of course you will find happiness with others, be grateful. But never ever expect too much. Expectations are often the root cause for many a sorrow.

Discover happiness in all that you do and all that you are.

Learn that the small things in life are the most satisfying. A good book, great food, captivating lyrics, soft birdsong, splendid sunsets, gentle rain - all the simple pleasures of life are the sweetest joys ever and the list is endless. Of course there's no harm in relishing a luxury or two, pamper yourself whenever you can, believe me, you will be thankful!

A great joy however is being responsible for a moment of happiness in another. So do what you can to make others happy. Give of what you have and of who you are whenever and wherever possible, learn the art of giving because and trust me here, the joy of giving without expecting or wanting anything in return is beyond words. Be generous, of what you have and who you are, and never demand gratitude in return.

To be happy or to be miserable is truly and eventually your choice so choose wisely because only you can make the right choice for you.

Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future.

It's easy to say that you shouldn't turn back nor should you aspire to the future, but trust me, it's humanly impossible to do for us ordinary people, so just tweak things a bit.

The past is your best teacher. Learn from it. Make the best of the moment you're in and always, always dream to reach the stars because dreams carry you up and ahead.

And that brings me to another important fact. The dreams you dream today for your tomorrows may not necessarily be the dreams you dream in future. Desires, aspirations, wishes, ambitions all change as you grow older and wiser. Don't be obstinate but allow yourself to grow better.

Adapt yourself and all that makes you who are to the situations and circumstances that life takes you through. Always believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

Many a time, too much may be beyond your control, learn to accept what cannot be changed and find happiness in what you are and have at the moment. I have often, and sadly, seen so many people disillusioned and disappointed because they refuse to accept the lives they have and instead of making the best of life they waste all that they have been given.

Always be honest to yourself. Hypocrisy must never be a choice, believe me you don't want to turn against yourself. Stick by your beliefs and principles. Many may not approve. Many may criticise and judge but you know your life best and you know what is best for you. At the end of the day, what others think or say should not matter, what your conscience says is what you should be concerned about because you have to live with yourself. Be aware that what is right for you may not necessarily be right for another and what is wrong to you may seem right to others, it all depends on the perspective. No one is perfect.

Your conscience is the voice of your inner self. Listen carefully and pay heed, you won't be misguided.

People will come and go. Family is god-given and should ideally be with you and by you always. Friends are your choice so, again, choose wisely.

Understand that you are unique and there's no other person exactly like you.

You may have friends who will get along well with the person that you are, be grateful always, for such friends are a grace of God. But also be well aware that differences can arise. Look beyond that, learn to appreciate the similarities and respect the differences. True relationships, committed friends and good people are hard to come by so treasure those in your life.

And remember dear, give respect if you wish to be respected in return.

Hurt will come, and sometimes from those who mean a lot. Just as you can't help being who you are they can't help being themselves. Some may hurt intentionally, others may repent. Always forgive. And for those worth it always be generous with as many second chances possible. Learn from the lessons such experiences teach you and always, always make sure you forgive, right from the depths of your heart, because a vengeful, grudging, brooding, hating, spiteful heart is such a terrible burden to bear.

Always remember that people can and often do change. Many may turn out to be very different from what they seem so, again, be aware.

Let go of what you cannot change. Do not hold grudges, do not carry vengeance, life is way too short so spend your time doing and being what makes you blossom.

Break away from negativity. Seek the positive in even the worst, your free heart will be grateful. And remember, forgive yourself always for all the mistakes and wrongs you may commit. Allow yourself to move on with your heart at peace with you at all times.

Always know the person that you are. Be consciously aware of your immense talents, innumerable gifts and abundant intelligence. Be equally conscious of your weaknesses, shortcomings and incapabilities. Again no one is perfect, including you. Accept the person you are, better what you can, and live in peace everyday with you.

We all do foolish things that we regret, it's only human. Always act upon regret. Make up for an unkind word or deed. Try to make right what you may have done wrong. Try to sleep each night with the knowledge and faith that you have done no wrong to another during the day.

Always treat others with respect, those closest to you deserve your best behaviour and this is a lesson I learnt the hard way! Be sensitive always to the feelings and situations of others. Never take anyone or anything for granted, what you have today may be snatched away tomorrow, so be grateful always.

Never allow pride to step over love. It's so easy to give in to selfishness, and though there may be times when you will be forced to place yourself before others, be wise during such moments and make decisions carefully. Your happiness should not be at the unfair expense of another's pain, especially a loved one's.

It's fine to be stubborn occasionally and especially when you believe you are in the right but the moment you know you're wrong take no shame in admitting so, it will only bring you more love and respect.

When in love, love completely and wholly but wisely. Your heart and your mind should be in perfect synchronicity in a relationship. The moment the balance slips is the moment you should sit up and pay attention. Compromises are a must in every relationship but when compromises are all that there is then it's time to give the situation serious thought. And always remember, though there may be love there must definitely be respect.

Respect is the driving force behind every successful relationship. If you are not respected then you do not belong, it's as simple as that.

Commitments are meant to be kept so be very sure of the commitments you make. Especially in a relationship. Staying committed to a meaningless relationship however makes no sense. Stay on for as long as you believe in it, work hard to make things work for as long as you know it's worth it but if your heart is no longer in it then perhaps it's best for all that you move on.

Be committed to the responsibilities you undertake. Studies, work, family, friends, everything comes with responsibility and with responsibility often comes hard-work and sacrifice. Don't shy away from your responsibilities but take pleasure in them. Be clear of your priorities and give your best as best as you can.

Aim to do what you enjoy. I have seen many people who consider a job to be just that and I know many who are blessed with the fortune of living their passion. If you're not passionate about what you do then a job would be just a tedious effort you're forced to undertake, but if you're fortunate enough to do what you love then each day would be exciting to say the least! And the more you enjoy what you do the better you'll be and the further you'll grow!

Allow yourself to share, of yourself and all that you are with those who place their trust in you. You may be let down but don't let it dishearten you. Love is meant to be shared.

 The greatest pillar of strength in life should and must be prayer.

We have no idea where our tomorrows will take us, we have no knowledge of what lies ahead on this road called life. Place yourself in the hands of the power that can work great miracles simply because you believe. Have faith. In yourself and in God. Believe in the power of prayer. Always wish the best for everyone including yourself and believe that God knows your heart then, trust me, better than the best will be yours.

Life is a discovery, of yourself, your inner self, God and others, try to enjoy every moment to its fullest, hold no regrets for the moments you haven't been your best, always know you are greatly loved for the person you are, not for who you may become, but for just you.

Being Woman

There's never been a moment in all my life that I've ever regretted being a woman. I've had a lot of regrets over a lot of things over the years, but this was definitely not one. In fact I have always enjoyed every bit of my, well, for want of a better word, womanhood.

When both my daughters were born I had wept tears of joy. Not once did I ever wish for a boy. And I have no regrets about this either. Rather, they're the biggest blessings I've ever been gifted with and I cherish them more than life.

Now, on this so called day celebrating women, while my mailboxes and social accounts pile up with posts and forwards praising the greatness of the feminine, some genuine but most screaming sarcasm, I feel I need to speak up, for myself and for other women.

We don't need a special day just for us, cos come on, is that all we're worth?? We need every day to be special, just as every day needs to be special for every one.

Women deserve respect and appreciation if and when earned. Just as with anyone else.

Not just because we give birth or cook or keep house or work 8 hour shifts, but for all of it and more. Women are the best multi-taskers. We've proved over and over again that we can lead, we can teach and we can achieve. We deserve to be loved for the love we lavish out unconditionally. To our men, our children, our friends, and yes, to ourselves. We are a loyal and committed breed and I'm sure there isn't a man out there who doesn't have a woman he has fond memories of, be it his mother, lover or daughter.

Thankfully I've been blessed with the presence of several kind men in my life, my husband included, who allow me the freedom to spread my wings and soar, who smile when I succeed and who gently help me get back to my feet when I stumble or fall.

To me that's the greatest support a woman could ever ask for.

Through my career, I've met many a man who clearly displays his despicable ego especially against women and though it often confused me at first, I soon realised that he was merely attempting to cover up his own incompetence and insecurities when faced with the stark reality that a woman was probably better at the job than he could ever be.

And such is the case for most working women.

Luckily I've also know some great guys, some I'm fortunate enough to work for and with, who are comfortable enough in their successes and abilities, who are open minded and large hearted and most of all who acknowledge your talents and appreciate your intelligence, not because you're a woman but because you're a capable person.

Unfortunately some men, though apparently mature enough to know better, still find it irksome to admit that a woman could possibly know better. They choose to argue, to admonish and to oppose women who speak their minds merely because they feel belittled by the knowledge that a woman could actually teach them a thing or two.

In fact one person I know argues on every point I tend to mention, not because he knows better but because he's ashamed that he doesn't. I attribute his stupidity to the fact that he's lived all his life in a small town, may have a lot of money but has hardly travelled or read enough to know better and therefore can't help his cheap arrogance. However I must confess that it vexes me no end, especially when I know I'm right but the decency within me forces me to suffer his ego, more so when he claims to know me yet obviously knows nothing at all.

Still, I'm quite happy to say that many of my best and closest friends are men. Men have taken the effort to encourage me and push me on every time I've stalled. Men have taken the time and have had the patience to deal with my tantrums and tears every time I've needed a shoulder to cry on or a head to scream at. Plainly put, men understand me better.

Unfortunately not every woman is as lucky.

I've seen many an educated and intelligent woman forced into submission by men who think no end of themselves, merely to keep peace in the family.

It's sad.

Women have been denounced as the weaker sex for so long that some have come to terms with it.

So many women are forced to continue in unhappy marriages because they are convinced that without a partner they will never survive.

Many women are bursting with talents and desires but have to suppress it all because it does not please the man of the house.

Father, brother, husband, one after the other, the Indian woman has to bow her head to the wishes of the men in her life, before her own. Whether she likes it or not, whether she wants to or not.

Permissions are needed even to go for a movie or a simple lunch outing. They're so used to it that it's a way of life now.

There had been a time when I was very young, when I had literally been under lockdown and not allowed out alone much. Thankfully marriage, kids and a great job changed all that.

At times some women are even unluckier than the rest.

Sometimes her femininity is her curse and she has to suffer the inhumane humiliation of being overwhelmed physically and violated violently.

If only all men would understand and accept that a woman is much more than just a body. But that's a whole other topic for another day and another post.

Now you'd think that women would appreciate women the most. Not really.

I'm forced to say that of the few who have stabbed me in the back some were, sadly, women. However I am grateful to them, for because of them I've grown stronger and wiser.

But I wish to give due credit to my own spirit for the person I've become.

Despite the attitude of the society I live in, despite the hostility and suspicion I'm often forced to face and at times from family and friends even, I have still succeeded to be selfish enough to live a life for myself. And I confess that it is the strength of my deep faith that has brought me this far.

Thankfully in today's day and age many recognise the worth of the woman.

I hope that when my daughters are grown capable adults, they would be treated with respect, they would be appreciated for their talents and skills, and they would be loved for the beautiful loving souls that they are and not just on days designated for women. But most of all, I hope they appreciate themselves, and they realise the beauty of being a woman.

Dear Zindagi

What would you do when you want to buy a chair?

Do you just walk into the first store you find and pick up the first chair you see? 

Do you allow another person to tell you which chair would suit you best? 

Or would you prefer to check each chair out? Sit in them, feel the texture, test the cushioning, experience the seat, in fact check all the options possible before taking a call?

Nothing could possibly beat this analogy to making the choice of a suitable partner in life.

It's sad that most Indian women are taught to believe that society knows better when it comes to making life's major decisions. In fact, we're told from a young age that it's improper to even consider an unwed relationship with a man or, god forbid, men! And most of us were forcibly convinced that we're better off marrying strangers because our parents, families and oh yes, society believes that that's what's best for us. 

At a young age, the responsibility of the family's good name is a burden that many a 'proper' Indian girl is forced to bear. 

Thank God attitudes are changing. And thank God I'm a different breed! 

As the mother of a teenager myself, I believe that each individual, my daughter included, should be allowed the right to choose what is best for her in the long run. Be it in her studies, her career, her friends and of course her partners. I choose to pluralise that because I want her to eventually pick the chair that's perfect for her and thankfully I'm sensible enough to know that sometimes the first chair you choose may not be best suited for you so yes, as a responsible mother I want her to try a chair or two until she gets to the chair she's the most comfortable and the happiest with. After all, a mother can only want the best for her child. It's her life, she should have the right to enjoy it as best as she can, living it to the fullest. She should know that it's fine to make mistakes but most of all she must know that a mistake is not the end but the beginning of another better road. 

Dear Zindagi teaches you all that and more, proving that the simplest of stories can reveal the truest beauty of good living. 

The movie revolves around Kaira, a young girl, on the threshold of adulthood yet still so much a child, and +Alia Bhatt does more than mere justice to the role. The young actress literally lives the character, in fact, in many an instant I couldn't but help relate her to my own child!

Every scene is so beautifully thought and exquisitely portrayed. Her moments of innocent bliss, her troubled spells of indecision, her painful loneliness, her aggressive ambition and her frustrated struggles to earn a place in a male-dominated field. Every aspect of the protagonist is depicted with such precise perfection that the entire movie is such a joy to watch.

And of course, it's the spine that holds the tale together and here the movie rests on the calm serene presence of none other than the Badshah himself, +Shah Rukh Khan.

His quiet guidance that slowly convinces the young girl to open her heart and reveal the hurt that had been aching within her for years, is portrayed with interminable grace and poise. His performance as the cheery psychologist whose patient endeavours helps the young Kaira overcome her inhibitions and her despairs, to blossom into the wonderful talented confident young woman every child should grow to be, is beyond sublime. 

The incidents portrayed are so real they could happen to anyone.

Most parents sadly do not realise that the casual indifference they treat their young children with actually plays a huge role in moulding their characters. And often such rifts are left desperately unresolved.

The depiction of helpless dependence on equally inept peers for support pulls a heart string or two and one actually feels a sense of immense relief when Kaira finally reaches out for help, and thankfully to the right person!

The music is deeply appealing and Goa is without doubt the perfect sun-kissed locale to discover the joy in just living a good life. 

The supporting characters add just the right dash of spice, their adoration of Kaira reveals the lovable nature of her character. Men are instantly attracted to her magnetism yet left lost with no idea on how to handle her. Friends surround her with warmth and affection while family are helpless in their abundant love yet total inability to even understand her. 

All in all, we are taught to realise that our strength actually lies within each one of us. It is eventually upto us to choose how we live our lives. To decide whether to allow our past dictate the terms of our present at the cost of our future. We are shown that sometimes when lost in darkness there's no shame to ask for help. We don't need to be lead to the light, we can reach brilliance on our own it's just that we sometimes need to be prodded in the right direction. 

At the end of the day, you need to know who and what you are. You are answerable only to yourself and what anyone else thinks of you doesn't really have to matter.

You do not need to choose the difficult path because you think that's what's best for you. Sometimes the easier choice is the better choice in the long run. 

Dear Zindagi is yet another stroke of genius from Gauri Shinde, and is perhaps even a rung higher than her debut success English Vinglish. She's got some of the best talent in the industry portray some of the most sensitive characters possible and Dear Zindagi clearly screams - she's one to watch out for!

Plainly put, this is a movie I would definitely want my daughter to see because so much of what is taught here is what I would want her to know and live by.

Yet again I say, always always forgive

I must say, the response to an earlier post of mine was quite overwhelming, in fact it left me speechless, which believe me, is saying a lot!

I received so many personal messages and mails from many I know and from many others I haven't yet met, and most of them supported my stand and shared my views. However a few dear ones took things a notch further and claimed that they could feel pain in my words. And then there were a few others who stated that I should just let go, apparently they got the impression that I'm still down and depressed over relationships long dead.

All in all, I feel compelled to set things straight.

Believe me, I do not dwell on the past. Life has proved to me that every day that comes is better than the day that's passed. So I prefer to live in the present as best as I can and hope for the best in the times ahead. It isn't easy especially during those times when the past sweeps its way in, but most of the time I manage. If I'm happy or sad, angry or just down I prefer to live in the mood and not relive it.

The hurt from betrayal can be long and painful, but the more you fan the flames the longer the pain lives on and that just won't take you anywhere other than to deeper agony, terrible remorse and a pitiful existence. But don't try suppressing your feelings either, trust me that doesn't help at all. Instead take the effort to focus on the better things in life and allow things to settle down naturally. Understand that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. It may take time but you will heal. Before you realise it you would have moved happily on.

We all take a thing or two from the past for keeps. Fond memories, treasured moments and in cases of hurt - the lessons learnt.

I've been let down painfully by family, those closer than family and a few friends. Thankfully, I've tried to learn from the experiences and the biggest lesson they taught me was to realise how wonderful my other relationships were!

For everyone you lose you gain someone far better.

Gradually I stopped missing those who had chosen not to value my worth and soon I was grateful for their exit because they left behind a space that was filled by those far more deserving.

Therefore I say, be thankful for everyone who loves you and is with you and by you, they are worth your time, love and efforts. But be even more grateful for those who are no longer a part of your life, believe me, your world is far better without them.

Some may hurt you unintentionally, have the heart to forgive and the grace to give several second chances if need be, but only until your faith in them remains. There may come a time when they cross the line of no return. In which case close the door behind them.

You cannot control the loyalty of another. No matter how you are to them do not expect them to treat you likewise.

You may love with all your heart and soul but always know that you cannot compel another to love you in the million ways you long to be cared for. You can only teach yourself to be satisfied with the little they give. Not because that is what you deserve but because they have chosen to value you at only so much. They may mean the world to you but if they choose another over you then have the ability to know that it's their loss. It isn't your fault. Don't ever allow another to decide your worth.

What is right and correct by you may not be so for others.

Accept that just as you can't help being the person that you are, others can't help the way they think or behave.

Understand that ego is an ugly beast that rears its vicious head even in the most innocent of hearts. Do not allow it to reside within you, for then what would be the difference between you and those who have turned against you?

Always be the bigger person. Forgive. Always. Not for their sakes but for yours. The peace of mind that is born from a forgiving heart is but bliss.

Let go of the anger. Have faith in bigger greater things. I do. My faith is my strength.

There had been a time when I was accused of being a dark carrier of misfortune, so much so that I too ended up believing in it. But divinity saved me, revealing to me how, on various occasions, I was but the opposite.

Have no regrets because everything that happens always happens for the best.

Choose to let go of the ugly and the ugliness they bear. I delight in the better things in life. After all we have just one life so live it as well and as happily as you can. With those who know you and love you for who you are. You have no time to waste on the rest.

Do your best to right every wrong, but if it is beyond you then allow yourself to let go and move on, believing that a brightness awaits you at the turn of the corner ahead.

My biggest vices are my possessiveness and my insatiable greed for more love from those I love. The former has ruined the best and the latter added in the dirt. But still I shamelessly declare, this is me and this is the me I'll always be.

Once bitten twice shy as they say! To the winds with them I say!

Love as freely and as wildly as you wish! The world is so full of people who deserve to be loved with abandon.

Just be cautious with those who've caused pain. Remember lessons taught. Not for vengeance or revenge but merely to protect yourself from being hurt again.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier post, if they've betrayed you once they will not hesitate to hurt you again.

Why tumult yourself with all that pain yet again? You've learnt their true colours, you've experienced the pain they've caused, you've seen how low they'll stoop, love yourself enough to protect yourself from them henceforth.

Hence always remember to forgive but to never forget. For your own sake.

Let the pain leave but hold on to the lessons learnt.

Understand that everyone is selfish. Some will be with you only when they have the need, your needs will not matter. Others do what they can for their own betterment and if you are a rung on their ladder then they will have no qualms slamming you down in their efforts to climb up.

Don't allow them to beat you down. Instead believe that you and the person that you are will eventually take you to the top and the truth will be revealed.

One thing I always bear in mind is that I too may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another. No one is perfect, least of all me. This thought alone helps me forgive.

When I look back to the experiences that have the shaped the person that I've become I am truly grateful for those who have loved me unconditionally and for those who have chosen not to.

I believe I am greatly blessed and therefore I know I am beloved to God. Today I have wonderful friends, a loving family, a great job, a fabulous home and the foresight to believe that each new day brings new joys. I am happy. My heart is free. And that's the way I would always want to be.

10 Kalpanakal

Most actors would choose a movie that would rotate around their character when making a comeback. But yet again +Meera Jasmin proves she's not of the regular pack and is out to play a different ball game altogether. 10 Kalpanakal has all the makings of a flamboyant entertainer but eventually, beyond all the flash and colour is a serious message that's shouted out loud and clear.

With her role as investigating police officer Shazia Akbar, Meera Jasmin has obviously chosen to take a step away from the regular roles one would normally associate her with. Of course many an actress has played the role of a police officer, but unlike most she doesn't attempt to show off how hot she would look in tight khakis nor does she deliver loud and lengthy dialogues nor does she try to add to the glamour that the director obviously attempts to spike the movie with. Instead she enacts an effortless and dignified presentation of a young officer well aware of the burden the responsibility on her shoulder weighs.

+ANOOP MENON is equally flawless in his role as a god fearing family man, unable to comprehend even the slightest of evils normal in today's world.

The simple joys of a happy family are portrayed effortlessly as well.

However, working across the madness of a revolting mind, the movie gives you a glimpse of why the mad are beyond hope and repair.

The entire film revolves around a series of violent murders, committed by an obvious psychopath, and eventually rests on a murder that turns unexpected twists in the tale.

Just when you figure you've got it all figured out the whole tale takes yet another spin that brings you to the edge of your seat, before the climax turns everything around again!

The movie though interspersed with all the theatrics of showy blockbuster could perhaps have done better with a touch of reality in its presentation, but thankfully that shortcoming has been pretty much balanced out by the high voltage performances of the actors.

Definitely enjoyable and if you support the cause then yes this is a must see.

Every day we witness horrific acts of atrociousness committed against defenceless women. Every day we're shocked at how often guilty brutes are allowed to go scot-free all because of a loophole or two in a legal system that's supposedly in place to protect the rights of its citizens.

Eventually when law fails, justice still prevails.

Always forgive..

But don't ever forget.

At one point or the other in the trip called life we all face betrayal, at times from those who're almost strangers but for most, the enemy turns out to be far closer to home and heart. And believe me, theirs is the worst of betrayals.

Only time and trials reveal true colours and I've learnt many a time, many a hard time rather, that not everyone is selfless or as committed to you as you are to them.

What do you do once you know?

I guess we all have our own ways of surviving such bitter experiences.

I have my own.

One lesson I've learnt early on in life is that if someone has the audacity to let you down once then be assured they wouldn't hesitate to let you down again.

Yet I forgive. Because that is what my faith teaches me.

However, I do not forget.

And it's not because I am arrogant or egoistic or stubborn or vengeful or childish or anything else.

I'm not out for revenge, in fact I have never borne any vengeance toward anyone because, yet again, my faith assures me that I have a God who will stand for me and avenge me for every wrong done upon me.

I choose not to forget simply because only I can protect myself. And remembering the hurt keeps me from getting hurt again.

I do not have the power to change the character or attitude of another. It is not upto me to prove my worth to someone who chooses not to value it. Therefore I choose to stay away. Just so that I can keep my heart from hurting. I choose to ensure that I do not give such people the opportunity to attack my defenceless self yet again.

When you're let down by those you least expect to abandon you, you're drenched in disbelief. You wage against the treachery, refusing to accept the inevitable truth. Then, as reality sets in it brings in its wake a vicious rage. How dare they let you down??

Eventually the anguish takes over and the pain  that follows is deep and scarring.

You will gradually move on with life, and at this stage I often find myself grateful for the awareness that I now own of those I once believed to be kindred souls but who were never really on the same trail.

Many have told me to forgive and forget. Easy to say when you're just the onlooker. Would they do as they preach if they were the victim? Because being in those shoes is a whole different story.

Sure I forgive. I don't think there's a soul that has done me so much wrong that my heart has struggled with the inability to forgive.

But I never forget. In fact I don't even try.

Because the lesson was painfully learnt and to forget meant I was at risk of having to suffer the same pain and learn the same hurtful lesson yet again.

My mind gears up and draws the lines for me, protecting me with a selfish fierceness. Ensuring that distances are maintained and I remain safe.

However I must add, it takes a lot to shake my faith.

I  know I am not perfect thus I do not expect anyone else to be perfect either.

Imperfections do not dissuade me from relationships.

I can love with unbridled passion and am faithful to a fault. Once committed, then not much can shake my allegiance. And as mentioned earlier I always forgive and I do forget quite a bit, until it's a bit too much.

You see, I unfortunately possess certain unstated norms that I hold religious when it comes to relationships, and faithfulness stands above all else.

When I am true to you the least I would wish for is for you to be true to me too. But then again, if you're fake and act truthful then how would I ever know the actual truth?

From a very young age I've been selfishly protective of my own peace of mind because my peace concerns only me.

On various sad occasions through the years I've had to witness the revelation of the actual viciously selfish nature of those I believed loved me as dearly as I loved them.

The love is still and will always be within me but the trust will never live on.

There have been some who have bitched about me behind my back for years. Much of what I shared in good faith was shared with others. At times so much was blown out of proportion that I was totally blown when I was finally brought to light.

I would often take so long to accept the truth and in most cases I would relent only when the facts stare at me in the face. I then realise that warning signals had been beeping and blinking violently for a long time but I had been too blinded by my bond to the relationship to see and know and accept the real truth. Eventually I pay dearly. Every time.

You would think once you've covered a couple of decades you would know to choose friends wisely, you would be assured that if you've known someone all your life or you're friends for over a decade then surely you know the other thoroughly enough, but how would you know the wolves if they're cleverly disguised in tailor-made sheep's clothing?

I know I'm nothing great, and of course I am worse than most, but surely a relationship means overseeing all that and loving the other despite it all? At least that is how I love everyone in my life and how I hope to be loved in return.

Anyway, I've slowly accepted life at its terms. These bitter experiences have taught me to be enormously grateful for the many true, beautiful friends standing faithfully by me and with me over the years.

I am grateful that I was the bigger person in every such situation. I chose not to counter-attack such people, for if I do then what would be the difference between them and me? Instead I chose to stay away. The worse the betrayal the further away I drift.

I am grateful that my heart would never concede to being cunning and conniving but chooses merely to carry on and be what I am and do what I can to make my life good.

I am glad that at the end of the day I can be happy with the person that I am. I am what I am. I have my faults but at least I do not pretend, and I definitely do not bitch. If I do indeed choose to bitch then it wouldn't be behind anyone's backs.

Anyway life was moving on happily until recently a careless comment by someone I wished understood me better declared I forgive and forget hence this post!

Yes I will forgive. I already have. Those who betray can't help being fake. That is their imperfection, God knows I have mine so who am I to point fingers?

But no, I won't forget. I can't. I shouldn't. The hurt was too much. The deceit was too much. I prefer not to have to learn that lesson again. At least not from the same people.

Together or apart

I happened to read two articles today on the same topic but each speaking a totally different story. Being a subject that I feel quite strongly about I couldn't resist adding my two bits too! And boy do I have quite a bit to say!

One story spoke of the pros and the other of the cons of divorce and each tale was told mostly from the aspect of the misfortunate children involved.

The writer who vouched for couples to struggle through an unhappy, loveless marriage claimed that the children would carry a burden of guilt if forced to be a part of a separation. They would also have to suffer social stigma from peers and in all probability from society as a whole. Their whole lives will change drastically and forever and they will lose out on growing up in a blessed wholesome family. Therefore, she claims, responsible parents should continue to strive and suffer living lovelessly together, to try and try and keep trying. For the sake of the children.

Well, allow me to ask, what about for their own sakes?

Is it fair to guilt parents into suffering an incompetent relationship in the name of the children? Because that's obviously what the writer was doing. 

We all venture into marriage hoping for the best and believing that we've made the right choice. Things may go great at the beginning, but eventually true colours, be it good or bad, are always revealed. Unfortunately by the time most couples realise they're better off apart there would be children in the equation as well.

Sure there's love at first sight but there's no guarantee such love would survive the mundane ordeals of daily living. True sustained love is borne from years of togetherness. And believe me, it doesn't necessarily happen just because you're married to each other. Some couples just about manage to get along despite it all, well kudos to them! Some grow together for the better and find real joy in each other and they're the lucky ones, but in today's world it's unfortunate that such marriages are rare and hard to find because most couples just stride along together, unhappy and broken.

Everybody knows that marriage isn't easy. Nothing ever is. And I believe that we must give in our very best to make it work. After all, this is the person we swore we would be by all through our lives, through sickness and health and all of it. So yes, it needs a lot of work. And patience and oodles and oodles of understanding. But sometimes despite everything you pour into it, it just fails to work. Probably because you discover you have completely different sets of values, that you have absolutely no patience for his interests and he takes no interest in any of yours. Maybe it's your perspectives on parenting that don't meet eye to eye. And in a lot of cases, it's finances. And of course in each issue there's ego too.

The road can get bumpy with just a spark or two.

What many fail to realise is that if each spark is not attended to as and when it lights up then the fire can really get going and by the time you actually decide to react, in all probability, it would be too late. So give in a little, it won't hurt to compromise a bit.

No-one opts for divorce easily because like it or not it depicts you as a failure and no one enjoys being in that hot seat. So I'm pretty sure that each couple that eventually decides to separate would have reached that option after hours and days and perhaps years of careful thought and tremendous pain. Often I wonder, if only we gave even half as much thought to marriage at the time then maybe we would have been far better off now.

Divorce is often the blank wall at the dead end of the road you'd tried to call marriage. You have to pluck up your courage, climb over that wall and discover a whole new world waiting for you on the other side.

Now comes the question, won't the children be affected? Yes of course they would. It's a difficult and trying situation for everyone involved. And it will demand a lot of effort, patience, time and every ounce of love to help the children understand that it was the best choice for all. This lies mostly in the parents' hands. The children need to know and have to be convinced that it's not their fault that their parents can't get along with each other. They need to be assured that the parents love for them would not be affected and they would still be as beloved as always. 

Parents need to understand that how one handles the whole situation is the crux of it all. They need to know that the divorce doesn't just concern them and their feelings but the tender innocent feelings of their children as well. 

Some divorces are unfortunately bitter, filled with pain, anger and spite. Children emerge from such situations scarred, probably for life. Behave like the adults you'd like your children to see you as. Grasp every bit of patience and understanding and work together on moving apart. It's the best way out.

In some cases, where the marriage itself is riddled with arguments, disagreements and fights on a regular basis, the children probably find a lot more peace with the parents apart rather than together. I know of children who fear going back home every evening from school, unable to bear the stress of witnessing their parents fighting yet again without a care that their children are a silent part of the whole scenario. In such cases, the blame of the damage on the child's psyche falls totally on each parent's shoulders and they should have split up far back in time.

As for marriages in a society like India, you don't just have to consider each other or just the children, you also have to deal with the in-laws, neighbours, extended family, society and everybody else. It's no easy task. For those Indian couples who finally call it a day and choose to split up for the better of each other and of the children, well, honestly, they're the ones with the balls. 

You never get everything you want or even need. You mostly make do with what you've got. In many cases that would suffice, because you've got some areas that work well so you just let the rest be. Those are the lucky few. 

But what about those who've got nothing in common at all? Who live under the same roof but rarely sleep in the same bed? Why do they stay together at all then? And in almost all such cases, the claim is it's for the kids.

Well, if kids feel guilty about parents separating, have you ever stopped to wonder about how kids would feel of parents forced to live with each other just for their sakes? 

Don't underestimate children. However young they may be, they are extremely perceptive and are capable of reading and understanding situations correctly. Imagine the guilt they must be suffering knowing that they are responsible for the misery their parents are suffering.

Trust me I know.

Sure kids may constantly hope for the best. They're children, that's all that they can do. Being the third person in the situation they see both sides of their parents' relationship. In their minds they probably feel that if one parent gave in one way and the other the other way then things would be much better. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Because the parents are breathing, thinking, feeling individuals and if they just don't get along then they will never get along.

Sure as I said earlier we all start off with the best of intentions but gradually when one or the other or both fall off the wedded track and continues to stay off it then why prolong the misery?

I believe that we all have just one life. We all have only so many chances to get things right. Like in everything else, if we fail we shouldn't be forced to remain drowned in that failure but should allow ourselves to rise up, step out and away and if possible, try again. After all we all have the right to happiness. Even parents. The responsibility of parenthood should not override your right to happiness and peace of mind.

Why should you be forced to live in a loveless mess when you actually have a choice to do better for yourself? Because no matter what many would say, you do have a choice. 

Now in some cases, the parents may not be happy together at all, but are comfortable being apart while being together. For them marriage is a pretence for the rest of the world to see while at home they are happy as strangers, living separate lives while living together. Many are satisfied in such situations. There are no fights, no arguments, no issues, nothing. Yes, nothing, because there's no love, no companionship, no sex, no joy and eventually no life. They may be fine living like that. For now. But what about tomorrow? Again the blame for their half-baked existence falls on the children. But what about once the children fly the roost? Because that will happen. Such parents only think about their todays. They fool themselves into believing that their tomorrows will be just as fine. They need to realise that life will go on for everyone else especially the children, who will move on to live their own lives. What then? Have you imagined the loneliness that would be your constant companion then? I have seen this happen quite close to home and believe me it's very painful to witness.

I strongly believe that one should not have to grow old alone. And one should not be selfish and demand that children take over their old age. It is only fair that one should therefore have a suitable companion to grow old with. Because eventually that's what marriage is all about. Companionship. A joy and peace of living with someone we know and love. Of growing old with someone who cares for us. Sharing similar tastes, interests and hopes. Making every day a little bit more interesting than the one that just went by.

Now some people choose to stick together till the children are old enough to move on and eventually separate once the children are in a right frame of mind to accept that their parents are not meant to be together, but by then how many years would you have sacrificed? 

Every relationship begins with the best of interests, but eventually if things don't work out then they're allowed to wear off - friendships, partnerships and such are allowed to break then why not with marriages too?

In India, many believe in the concept of arranged marriages, claiming that in times of need entire families step in to help out, but till what extent? Because at the end of it all what actually matters is that the two individuals are compatible. If you ask me I would say that arranged marriages are double the pressure because if it doesn't work out then it proves not just the couple but entire families on either side had failed. 

Many criticise the western way of thinking. Of living together for years before taking the sacred step to marriage. But honestly I sway more to their way of thought. I believe they value the concept of marriage far more. Wouldn't it be far better to be together, understand each other, actually live together and then eventually realise that you can indeed live with each other for the rest of your lives? Rather than just diving in, procreating and then realising you just weren't made out to be together? Of course there's no guarantee that would work successfully either, take Brangelina for instance. 

We all have our own personal take on this. Some say we should pray and pray hard and a way will arise. I am a staunch believer in God, but I also believe that we need to do our bit too. Prayer can work miracles but sometimes we need to know that the miracle lies within us and it's upto us to make it work, one way or definitely the other. Because at the end of the day, it's our life, and no one else's.