Together or apart

I happened to read two articles today on the same topic but each speaking a totally different story. Being a subject that I feel quite strongly about I couldn't resist adding my two bits too! And boy do I have quite a bit to say!

One story spoke of the pros and the other of the cons of divorce and each tale was told mostly from the aspect of the misfortunate children involved.

The writer who vouched for couples to struggle through an unhappy, loveless marriage claimed that the children would carry a burden of guilt if forced to be a part of a separation. They would also have to suffer social stigma from peers and in all probability from society as a whole. Their whole lives will change drastically and forever and they will lose out on growing up in a blessed wholesome family. Therefore, she claims, responsible parents should continue to strive and suffer living lovelessly together, to try and try and keep trying. For the sake of the children.

Well, allow me to ask, what about for their own sakes?

Is it fair to guilt parents into suffering an incompetent relationship in the name of the children? Because that's obviously what the writer was doing. 

We all venture into marriage hoping for the best and believing that we've made the right choice. Things may go great at the beginning, but eventually true colours, be it good or bad, are always revealed. Unfortunately by the time most couples realise they're better off apart there would be children in the equation as well.

Sure there's love at first sight but there's no guarantee such love would survive the mundane ordeals of daily living. True sustained love is borne from years of togetherness. And believe me, it doesn't necessarily happen just because you're married to each other. Some couples just about manage to get along despite it all, well kudos to them! Some grow together for the better and find real joy in each other and they're the lucky ones, but in today's world it's unfortunate that such marriages are rare and hard to find because most couples just stride along together, unhappy and broken.

Everybody knows that marriage isn't easy. Nothing ever is. And I believe that we must give in our very best to make it work. After all, this is the person we swore we would be by all through our lives, through sickness and health and all of it. So yes, it needs a lot of work. And patience and oodles and oodles of understanding. But sometimes despite everything you pour into it, it just fails to work. Probably because you discover you have completely different sets of values, that you have absolutely no patience for his interests and he takes no interest in any of yours. Maybe it's your perspectives on parenting that don't meet eye to eye. And in a lot of cases, it's finances. And of course in each issue there's ego too.

The road can get bumpy with just a spark or two.

What many fail to realise is that if each spark is not attended to as and when it lights up then the fire can really get going and by the time you actually decide to react, in all probability, it would be too late. So give in a little, it won't hurt to compromise a bit.

No-one opts for divorce easily because like it or not it depicts you as a failure and no one enjoys being in that hot seat. So I'm pretty sure that each couple that eventually decides to separate would have reached that option after hours and days and perhaps years of careful thought and tremendous pain. Often I wonder, if only we gave even half as much thought to marriage at the time then maybe we would have been far better off now.

Divorce is often the blank wall at the dead end of the road you'd tried to call marriage. You have to pluck up your courage, climb over that wall and discover a whole new world waiting for you on the other side.

Now comes the question, won't the children be affected? Yes of course they would. It's a difficult and trying situation for everyone involved. And it will demand a lot of effort, patience, time and every ounce of love to help the children understand that it was the best choice for all. This lies mostly in the parents' hands. The children need to know and have to be convinced that it's not their fault that their parents can't get along with each other. They need to be assured that the parents love for them would not be affected and they would still be as beloved as always. 

Parents need to understand that how one handles the whole situation is the crux of it all. They need to know that the divorce doesn't just concern them and their feelings but the tender innocent feelings of their children as well. 

Some divorces are unfortunately bitter, filled with pain, anger and spite. Children emerge from such situations scarred, probably for life. Behave like the adults you'd like your children to see you as. Grasp every bit of patience and understanding and work together on moving apart. It's the best way out.

In some cases, where the marriage itself is riddled with arguments, disagreements and fights on a regular basis, the children probably find a lot more peace with the parents apart rather than together. I know of children who fear going back home every evening from school, unable to bear the stress of witnessing their parents fighting yet again without a care that their children are a silent part of the whole scenario. In such cases, the blame of the damage on the child's psyche falls totally on each parent's shoulders and they should have split up far back in time.

As for marriages in a society like India, you don't just have to consider each other or just the children, you also have to deal with the in-laws, neighbours, extended family, society and everybody else. It's no easy task. For those Indian couples who finally call it a day and choose to split up for the better of each other and of the children, well, honestly, they're the ones with the balls. 

You never get everything you want or even need. You mostly make do with what you've got. In many cases that would suffice, because you've got some areas that work well so you just let the rest be. Those are the lucky few. 

But what about those who've got nothing in common at all? Who live under the same roof but rarely sleep in the same bed? Why do they stay together at all then? And in almost all such cases, the claim is it's for the kids.

Well, if kids feel guilty about parents separating, have you ever stopped to wonder about how kids would feel of parents forced to live with each other just for their sakes? 

Don't underestimate children. However young they may be, they are extremely perceptive and are capable of reading and understanding situations correctly. Imagine the guilt they must be suffering knowing that they are responsible for the misery their parents are suffering.

Trust me I know.

Sure kids may constantly hope for the best. They're children, that's all that they can do. Being the third person in the situation they see both sides of their parents' relationship. In their minds they probably feel that if one parent gave in one way and the other the other way then things would be much better. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Because the parents are breathing, thinking, feeling individuals and if they just don't get along then they will never get along.

Sure as I said earlier we all start off with the best of intentions but gradually when one or the other or both fall off the wedded track and continues to stay off it then why prolong the misery?

I believe that we all have just one life. We all have only so many chances to get things right. Like in everything else, if we fail we shouldn't be forced to remain drowned in that failure but should allow ourselves to rise up, step out and away and if possible, try again. After all we all have the right to happiness. Even parents. The responsibility of parenthood should not override your right to happiness and peace of mind.

Why should you be forced to live in a loveless mess when you actually have a choice to do better for yourself? Because no matter what many would say, you do have a choice. 

Now in some cases, the parents may not be happy together at all, but are comfortable being apart while being together. For them marriage is a pretence for the rest of the world to see while at home they are happy as strangers, living separate lives while living together. Many are satisfied in such situations. There are no fights, no arguments, no issues, nothing. Yes, nothing, because there's no love, no companionship, no sex, no joy and eventually no life. They may be fine living like that. For now. But what about tomorrow? Again the blame for their half-baked existence falls on the children. But what about once the children fly the roost? Because that will happen. Such parents only think about their todays. They fool themselves into believing that their tomorrows will be just as fine. They need to realise that life will go on for everyone else especially the children, who will move on to live their own lives. What then? Have you imagined the loneliness that would be your constant companion then? I have seen this happen quite close to home and believe me it's very painful to witness.

I strongly believe that one should not have to grow old alone. And one should not be selfish and demand that children take over their old age. It is only fair that one should therefore have a suitable companion to grow old with. Because eventually that's what marriage is all about. Companionship. A joy and peace of living with someone we know and love. Of growing old with someone who cares for us. Sharing similar tastes, interests and hopes. Making every day a little bit more interesting than the one that just went by.

Now some people choose to stick together till the children are old enough to move on and eventually separate once the children are in a right frame of mind to accept that their parents are not meant to be together, but by then how many years would you have sacrificed? 

Every relationship begins with the best of interests, but eventually if things don't work out then they're allowed to wear off - friendships, partnerships and such are allowed to break then why not with marriages too?

In India, many believe in the concept of arranged marriages, claiming that in times of need entire families step in to help out, but till what extent? Because at the end of it all what actually matters is that the two individuals are compatible. If you ask me I would say that arranged marriages are double the pressure because if it doesn't work out then it proves not just the couple but entire families on either side had failed. 

Many criticise the western way of thinking. Of living together for years before taking the sacred step to marriage. But honestly I sway more to their way of thought. I believe they value the concept of marriage far more. Wouldn't it be far better to be together, understand each other, actually live together and then eventually realise that you can indeed live with each other for the rest of your lives? Rather than just diving in, procreating and then realising you just weren't made out to be together? Of course there's no guarantee that would work successfully either, take Brangelina for instance. 

We all have our own personal take on this. Some say we should pray and pray hard and a way will arise. I am a staunch believer in God, but I also believe that we need to do our bit too. Prayer can work miracles but sometimes we need to know that the miracle lies within us and it's upto us to make it work, one way or definitely the other. Because at the end of the day, it's our life, and no one else's. 

The new forty!

On my birthday a very dear friend gifted me a book called 'Tuesdays with Maurie', a beautiful, simple piece of literature that retold the last few sad and painful days of a man suffering from ALS. A kind and brilliant professor who had touched the lives of his students beyond their college years. A rare human being who lived by his thoughts, and who, by doing so, set an example for the rest of us, revealing to us the general mistake of just how lightly we take our lives to be. How granted we are of so many gifts, including the ability to wipe our own butts, a basic necessity that he is forced to turn to others for assistance.

There are no floral descriptives through the book, no elaborate explanations, just the experiences and the aching physical pain of a man who loved being alive whether healthy or not and who, through the writer, his student, teaches us various lessons on how we can tweak our thinking and eventually move on to a better living.

Various chapters deal with various topics - relationships, happiness, etc but the one topic that really struck me beyond the rest was Maurie's take on aging.

Now in the last quarter of last year I stepped into my fourth decade, and it was as I was nearing my venture into the exciting unknown of the forties that a realisation dawned upon me. For some strange reason most people seem to be wary of turning forty. That was also when I realised that most of my friends (and most of them thankfully are older than me!) had entered their forties without even so much as a squeak. From then on many of them shy away from announcing their age. I on the other hand don't mind one bit! I find it quite a boost when in return I always receive the comment that I don't look it! Probably a tad exaggerated but still a compliment I never tire of hearing!

Anyway I remember one friend in particular who worried about turning forty a whole year before she actually got there! And at the time it had me wondering about how affected I would be when I got there too. I did often ponder about my innermost feelings as I neared the new decade. But I honestly felt nothing unusual. Just the regular tingle of excitement that I've always had at every birthday of mine. The thrill of having friends gathering together just for me, doing something special for me. The fun in getting fabulous gifts. The shower of love that's always there on every birthday.

 In fact, on my fortieth, I found myself so looking forward to celebrating with friends and family. I actually had several celebrations!!

But most of all, on this birthday, I celebrated myself!

Now I can truly say, I was delighted to be yet a year older. I was thrilled to be forty. I felt I had lived enough on everyone else's terms and now I was of the licensed age to finally live on my own terms.

I felt I was young enough to have a blast, get drunk, go dancing, make out, do anything at all if that's what I wanted, and yet I was thrilled that I was now old enough to know what was best for me, to decide how my todays need to be, and how my tomorrows should be.

I learnt that I belonged only to myself. I could keep myself to myself for myself. I did not need to share everything and all that I am with anyone else. I was my special person. I found joy with me. I was my best critic and my greatest rock. I knew I would always want the best for me. I needed support, strength, and appreciation only from me.

I did not need another telling me what to do or how to be. I knew what was best for me.

Suddenly, gone was the deep dark desperate yearn to be understood and loved for I had realised that no one understood me better than myself. And at forty, I learnt that that was so enough!

My happiness was in my hands, and in my hands alone.

The deliverance was exhilarating to say the least!!

And in this aspect Maurie agreed with me.

Why should the heart grow old?

Why can't the mind grow old?

I've been foolish at twelve, daydreaming at eighteen, a mother at twenty-four, the head of my department at twenty eight. Give me any age before forty and I've been there and done it all. I can go back and do it again too. No-one who's not reached forty can say that!

Instead of looking back and wishing time would standstill if only so that the wrinkles would stay off your face, or your figure was what it used to be or your hair was thicker, I'd much rather welcome the elegance and grace that I know each year adds to me.

Instead of piling on more layers of make-up in an attempt to look younger but actually turning frightfully garish,(and yes I know a person or two who does exactly that!!) I would love for my skin and my features to speak of all the beautiful and not so beautiful experiences that's brought me this far.

I'm past the need of being admired for the way I look, and I look forward to being respected for the person that I am.

I love being able to dance like a sixteen year old, to laugh out loud and joke stupidly like any teenager can, but I also enjoy the wisdom that my years have gifted me which no teenager can lay claim upon.

That's the beauty of being forty.

So for those of you who try so hard to appear younger, do try to look beyond age. Look back and relish all the great years you've lived. Have you missed out on much? If you feel you have then that's all the more reason to turn and look forward. Make sure you don't miss out on anything anymore.

It's all about friendships!

My dad has always been a loner, happy in his own company and distrusting of anyone who tried to get too close. His justification for his attitude was that no one could possibly be a true friend. He strongly believed that everyone including himself feigned affection merely to attain their means and needs. Once used and useless, the friendship becomes meaningless.

I however have always scoffed his take, having always chosen to see the better of everyone. For as long as I can remember friends have always played a major role in my life. Many of my dearest and closest friends have been with me and by me for many long years. They share my fears, secrets, desires, joys and everything else that makes me the person that I am. And there isn't a moment in my life that I am not grateful for their presence, because this great bunch of people have always chosen to see beyond my imperfections, which, trust me, isn't easy!

I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.

A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.

As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.

But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.

Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!

You would think that knowing someone quite well for many years would make you an expert on their character, right? Wrong! You could know someone for a decade and even believe you were the closest of friends only to turn around and find a total stranger there instead.

No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.

And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.

Watch out for liars.

Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.

As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.

Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.

I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.

Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!

Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.

Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.

Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.

Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?

Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.

There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.

Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.

Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.

If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.

No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.

Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.

If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.

Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.

It's as simple as that.

What Every Other Woman Wants

Some women probably feel they're above and beyond silly sentiments hence the title of this post, so for those of you who thought I'm talking about the needs of 'the other woman', sorry but you'll have to think again because I'm talking about the, well, rather many things most women want, expect and definitely hope to have from the man they choose to love.

And believe me I'm talking not just from my own personal view but from conclusions drawn over years of innumerable discussions on related topics with many many members of the fairer sex and with many many unfortunately ignorant men as well!

So if you're a guy and you believe you love a woman and if, from the heart, you wish to be her every happiness then maybe this post will help.

I guess we all know that every relationship needs continuous, consistent and constant efforts for sustenance and growth. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you can rest easy, believe me, no self-respecting woman will suffer negligence! Therefore be prepared to be on your toes most of the time!

Always remember that she could have chosen to be with any man but she chose to be with you. So there is definitely a lot about you that meets with her approval, but that doesn't make your job any easier because for her to stay on with you is eventually in your own hands. Also, on the many madly frustrating occasions that you're tempted to just throw everything to the winds and walk away, remember you chose to love her too so there's a lot to her that you adore, that you may never find in anyone else. Thus, if she truly matters then everything about her has to matter too. You cannot be selective.

The one thing you need to do is take the effort to understand her, and almost everything else will fall in place.

I know this is perhaps beyond the greatest capacities of most average men but believe yourself to be beyond average.

Remove yourself from your shoes and try wearing hers for a change.

A tip to make this easier - think not with the head but with the heart.

Her needs, her thoughts and her feelings will then appear quite simple and not the complicated complexities that you thought them to be. So drag in deep breaths, call forth all your patience, sit down, hold her in your arms and listen, yes, actually listen, to what she has to say. Don't listen only to find points to push your case, listen so that you can figure out what her case is all about.

And that brings us to the one thing you will then need to have in abundance, patience.

She will have a hundred issues and most of them will probably seem absurdly ridiculous to you, she will probably bring them up at the most importune of moments, and those are the very moments when you need to have infinite patience.

You may believe that you have far better things to do with your time and you may itch to walk away and stay away till she comes back to her senses. These are normal male reactions to such situations, but this is where I plead that you remember you love her.

If you chose to be happy with her then you must accept that you will have to work at keeping her happy too.  I've seen many men holler and yell and be outright rude, creating irreparable messes when all that was needed was some patience. Shutting her out, ignoring her and worst of all, abusing her will only push her away in ways you will later regret.

Now most men would claim that she pushed them to such levels. That she started the fight. That she egged him to lose control. Well, all I can say is, you're not in the eighth grade anymore. Who cares who started it all when you contributed to it too?? In the end it doesn't matter who started an argument, what matters is that the two of you work together to end it, because eventually both of you will either suffer or rejoice. Not one alone is ever the loser.

Of course no one is perfect and there will definitely be occasions when you will lose control and you would probably let loose far more steam than you should. If you ever regret the way you behave, then make sure you let her know. If you feel remorse then apologise. Once again remember this is the woman you love, the woman who loves you too. There is no shame in apologies but they must be sincere, don't apologise just for the sake of it, it won't mean a thing. If she loves you she'll know if you're true.

No ego should come in the way of love. You don't want to end up alone with just your bloated ego for company. Most relationships suffer tremendously because one partner chooses to value their ego more than the other. That's a downhill road for sure. Avoid it under all circumstances.

If you believe you love her, do not hesitate to give your heart to her. Take the risk. That's what being in love is all about. You may fear getting hurt, you may be tempted to keep a bit of you to yourself. Whatever for?

If she has unhesitatingly given you all that she is then by all means let her own your soul. Allow her to know your imperfections. Let her see your visions, let her read your thoughts and dream your dreams. Let her be your partner in every way. Share everything that you are. Be a couple. Truly.

But don't let it be all about you always. Encourage her to share all that she is too. Take the time and have the need to know her. Don't just hear her but listen to her. Don't pretend interest but be interested and if you don't really care then maybe you should think over the whole relationship, because you could not be not interested in the woman you believe you love. And remember, no woman is a fool. She will know if you're genuinely keen in all of her or just parts of her!

Don't take her lightly, but take pride in the fact that she wants to share all that she is with you, value her and let her know that you genuinely want to be a part of her.

I believe respect is the main ingredient to a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps even more necessary than love. Earn her respect and learn to respect her back. Revere her individuality. Recognise her values and respect her views. It is not mandatory that you should agree on everything. Give her her space and develop the ability to love her despite your differences. Every time you treat her unfairly, every time you choose to brush her away, you only end up losing her respect, slowly but surely. You don't want that, not if she really matters.

Value her opinions. Most women are unfortunately strongly opinionated. Suggestions, ideas and even directions will probably be delivered in abundance. You may not want it all, you may not even want any of it, but give her the benefit of your attention and don't be brash when you let her know you've decided to override her views. Some women may react badly, which brings us to the next necessity of  loving a woman the way she needs to be loved.

Every woman has an Achilles heel. I mean, there'll be a way to reach within each woman, going past her complexities and winning her over. And may I point out here that sex is definitely the one way it definitely is not.

Some women understand logic, some just need tenderness. Some need explanations, others want expressions, some honesty, others kindness and so on. Take the time to figure out the route to her soul, it's for your own good. You need her to be on your side. And she needs to be made aware of how important she is to you.

It won't hurt to do it the one way it will work because it can't and won't work the way you want it to.  If you choose not to take the effort, she will withdraw. And where there was once heat and passion there will be just silence. Silence from a woman, any woman, is not a good sign. You may believe you achieved your goal but nope, you would have actually lost much more because you would have convinced her that you don't care, and she will draw into herself and away from you.

Aggression may seem the manly option, but you will not be bulldozing your will on her, you will be bulldozing her way away. You may believe that your way works because she's stopped arguing, she's adjusted to your preferences and she's given up her take, believe me her take is not the only thing she would have given up on and the only reason she's still with you is not out of helplessness but love. And love does not survive on its own. So for both your sakes meet her halfway.

There will be countless times when she will annoy you beyond belief. Have the heart to forgive her. Because, yes! she's the woman you love!!

Now no matter how mature, or sensible or levelheaded, or practical she is, there is one thing every woman loves. And that's none other than some mushy romance. So you're not romantic? You don't believe in birthdays or Valentine's? Flowers and gifts are a waste of time? Fine. But do those things matter to her? If they do and if she's made you aware of it then it won't hurt to take the effort once in a while to do things her way. I'm talking of just a day or two in a year, is that so difficult to do? Just because she doesn't say anything anymore does not mean it doesn't matter anymore, it just means she loves you enough to choose to honour your take. She cares so much for you that she's sacrificing the little joys she actually longs for. All I ask, would it hurt to go out of the way and do something for her in a way you know she would enjoy? After all.. uh huh, she's the woman you love! Don't just claim you would do anything to keep her happy, go out there and do as you preach.

Now some men do take efforts. They do go out of their way and they do care to be giving. The glow on their woman's face is testimony to the efforts they took.

But some men don't really bother to find out if it's what she would like. Nope, they just go ahead and do what they 'think' is best for her. Listen up, she's no idiot. She's not a dummy to be moulded to suit your tastes and preferences. She's a living, breathing, thinking individual who has pretty much a clear idea of what she is and what she wants. Does she really matter to you? Then take the time to find out what she would like, how she would want to be loved, where she would love to go, honour her sentiments, at least once in a while, and realise for yourself what your effort means to her. Besides it's not just the effort but the thought behind it as well.

Be it a romantic candlelit dinner, handpicked flowers, or a quiet walk down the beach.

Even the smallest thing can go a mile.

You may not believe in birthdays, and celebrations may seem like a chore you're forced to repeat every year.  Dates may easily be moved about to suit conveniences. Don't push it till she's given up hope and has accepted that this is all she is to get. Doesn't she deserve more? Don't just do anything, do something that will actually make a difference. Not just once, but once in a while.

If you love her, she mustn't be made to wait, if she needs you then everything else needs to wait.

Some guys then claim that she is never satisfied and demands all their time and attention especially when they have far more important things to do. Really??

Do not take her or her love for granted. How many women have loved you the way she does?

Many men declare their woman to be their biggest priority yet they constantly fail to place her needs above everything else. Which beggars the question, what exactly does he mean then? Most of the time, her needs are put aside for others. Perhaps because he is confident he will always have his tomorrows with her. How sure are you that there will even be a tomorrow? What can be done today should and must be done today. Grab every opportunity you can to love her. Does she restrict her love for you? If not then she deserves the same in return.

Some men believe that they're doing their best and they point-blank refuse to do anything more. Believe me if you were doing your best she would be the happiest woman ever. If she's not happy then perhaps your best isn't good enough and you need to do more. Which then leads men to claim that she's never satisfied. Stop for a moment and think things over. You're probably doing what you want and believe to be the best for her, try doing what she would like for a change.

Promises can easily be made without hesitation, and if you've made a promise don't just make it but keep it. If she demands to know why she's been kept waiting on something she'd been promised, don't see her as demanding, aggressive, greedy, selfish and everything else. Point being, women take promises seriously. If you have no intention of living up to them then don't promise her anything. She will hold you up to it, whether you like it or not.

Now my next point is very important, so pay attention, humour works at bettering relationships, of course. But laugh with her, not at her. She's not in a relationship with you to entertain you. And if she's upset and in no mood for laughter then the last thing she needs is a joke on her. If the need is hers then give her the sentiment she needs not the one you want to give.

Don't be judgemental. Don't let one or two instances rule your opinion of her. She deserves better. Surely there would be hundreds of instances where she's proved her worth.

Know your woman. Express your affection in every way you can, but most importantly in ways that you know she enjoys. If she loves to be hugged or kissed or if she just loves holding your hand then give in to her, at least once in a while. Her smile would make it worth it.

No relationship is without arguments or fights. And there will be times when she throws her hands up. If you really do love her, don't let her go. Pride should not come in the way. Let her know you need her, that you won't let her go. That may be all that she's needing too. If she always has to keep coming back on her own, you may believe you're winning, but believe me you're not. She's giving in, not just to you but to herself. And eventually there will come a time when she doesn't turn around and you'll be left waiting in vain.

Some men actually think they're superior. They like to prove that they 'wear the pants' in the relationship. Nonsense is the one word I have for that.

In today's day and age. every individual, man or woman, is equal. Respect must be mutual. Love is to be shared. Give her her due and she will give you yours. You are two different people from different backgrounds, families and pasts. Value the fact that you are together today despite it all. Accept that you have different tastes, likes and interests. Enjoy the various and myriad things you are fortunate to share a similar take on. Take pride in the fact that a beautiful, talented and intelligent woman has committed herself to you. If she enjoys movies then let her be, she probably doesn't bother you when you're watching the news. If she lets you sleep early while she reads in bed then let her sleep in when you awake early. Some men take years to figure all this out and that's a shame.

Just because she dresses the way you like, or allows you to advise and guide her, doesn't mean she's weak. She chose to value your tastes and opinions, value her for that.

And that brings us to yet another major player in relationships, money. Yes, money unfortunately plays a big role in most relationships and often it's the role of the villain. Women have this inbuilt need to be taken care of. However independent or professionally successful she may be, she relishes the belief that she has a man to take care of her. She cherishes the security. It's a part of her chemistry. If you can afford to give then give and give wholeheartedly. Do not place limits. Does she limit the love she has for you? If you believe she is your partner then she has every right to you and all that you are and all that you have. But if you believe you deserve her gratitude in return then please don't bother giving. Because if you want her to be grateful then how much of gratitude should you express in return for all the love and all the sacrifices and all the thousands of things she willingly gives to you? Right from satisfying the needs of your body to fulfilling the urges of your soul. Just because some things cannot be evaluated doesn't mean they have no value so don't put a price tag to everything you do.

There will be a million things that you don't like about her but there are obviously a zillion more things that you absolutely adore in her. Many men constantly harp on the imperfections but fail to mention the good things, they actually expect her to figure that part out on her own. Big mistake. If you can tell her what you can't stand about her then you have to balance it with clarity on what you love about her. If not then don't bother saying anything at all because if it's always all negative she will eventually lose faith in your love for her. You may enjoy being the critic, but criticism especially when dressed with sarcasm is painful, more so when it is not countered with even the slightest of appreciation.

As they say, wild flowers grow in lavish abundance without assistance or care, but a beautiful rare orchid needs daily attention to bloom and blossom, likewise, if you've been lucky enough to have a wonderful woman then she has to have your attention. Your relationship with her needs to be valued and treated with importance.

Some relationships are buried under the mundane dullness of everyday living. Take the effort to bring love and affection into everything you share and do. Keep the romance alive and the passion burning. And not just in bed!

I'ms sure many men would probably find this post rather unfair, all I say is remember the woman you love. Remember the many many things she's done for you and for your relationship. Remember the joys you share. The happiness she brings you. Has she been there for you to hold your hand, to listen to you, to care and to love when you needed it all? Has she smiled with pride at your successes? Has she been your strength and comfort at your time of despair? Has she been a voice of support and sense when you needed guidance? Has she dropped everything to be with you at your time of need? Has she put aside her needs so you could happily satisfy yours? Has she respected your opinions and ignored her own? Are you convinced that you own her heart? Then maybe you'll agree that it's high time you let her know she would always rule in yours.

You are not competing with her to prove who is stronger or who is more dominant. You are in love with her and you want to have a beautiful life with her. Don't demand that she be the perfect person for you, work to be the perfect person for her. Isn't that what love is all about? Tweak yourself a bit and she will dedicate her life and heart to you. What more do you really want?

Reminiscing the pleasant and the not so pleasant

It's been a month into the new year and I finally got the time to take a look back, to reminisce over the year that's just turned the corner and to be honest I'm quite glad to see it go. It wasn't such a great year for me personally with every other day filled with more downs, or should I say shocking disappointments, than ups. Perhaps the greatest highlights of the year was the brilliant success of my daughter in her board exams, and of course the beautiful little book she made for me for Christmas. Each page citing reasons as to why she loved me so much! That is now my prized treasure. This little book in fact, gave me the very boost I'd so badly needed, for it told me in so many ways that I was needed and loved and worth being loved. It pulled me back on to my feet and taught me to look forward on to the new year with a new ray of hope.

There is a certain strength that grows within us over the years, with each test we face and overcome, but along side that there's a haunting desire to be able to depend on someone, to have that one person on whom we can weigh our trust, who is worthy of our faith and has the shoulders to bear our aches, and allow us the rest we so badly need. The joy at the belief that you've found such a person is luminous! But when that person turns out to be just another ordinary human being with selfish needs and ambitions like any other then we're left stranded yet again, groping in the dark, searching for the light at the end of the dark tunnel that had been so bright just a moment back.

2015 was without doubt a dark tunnel in my life and I'm hoping that this new year we're now in will somehow lead me to the light. I'm still groping but I'm also hoping.

One of my previous posts had been on relationships, marriages actually. And the response I'd got from so many readers was overwhelming. Almost 8 of every 10 couples I know are sadly not really happy. They aren't even compatible in most ways. But they make do with the almost non-existent little they have or they turn to the sly for a little bit of comfort. And I'm left wondering, don't they realise they have just one life? Aren't they throwing it all away just to be spared from the viciousness of society? Or for the sake of family? And eventually, at the end of the day, their lives will surely pass them by, leaving them old and helpless and extremely lonely with that one person they have never really loved.

Some claim they stick together for the sake of the children. But tell me, how are the daily arguments, the heavy angry silences, the constant tension filled atmosphere helping the kids out? Trust me children sense a lot more of the undercurrents than you would like to believe. In fact they would be grateful to come to a happy home that is in peace, though it may be sans a parent. Of course, how you go about it is what matters. Take them through the separation step by step, let them know and understand that it's what's best for all. Throwing it into their faces may be a deadly blow that they would have to bear all their lives.

We as parents give our all for our children, and forget to save a little bit for ourselves. Big mistake. Within a few years they'll sprout healthy wings and fly far far away. Then what would you be left with? A companion you don't want, and probably don't like and definitely don't love.

There are however relationships that are perhaps in not such a cancerous state. Where the partners get along well enough. There's enough of companionship and pleasant sex to keep things going. Such relationships are far more common than any other. Are they happy? Maybe. Is there love? Probably. Will they be together forever? Definitely. Are they faithful to each other? Doubtful. One or the other will want a spark on the side to light up an occasional fire. That extra bit of colour in an otherwise rather greyish existence. This spark may be everything they look forward for, but if it actually comes down to making a choice, they chicken out and opt effortlessly to that ordinary life without the spice of passion, knowingly giving up the one real chance they have at true love.

I guess all I'm trying to say is we all have just one life, so why not make the most of it? Why not try to fill it with the greatest of riches, the richness of true love? Why knowingly waste it all away on the wrong person? Only to look back with regret at the love you chose to reject because you didn't have the courage to choose what was best for you, for everyone.

Oops! Now why did I go down this road? I'd started off on a completely different topic!! Anyway, getting back to concluding what I'd actually started..

Last year as I said, had lead me through a series of very personal blows. Each blow hitting harder than the former. Believe me, there's nothing more painful than being let down. Being put in a place that was below where you thought you actually belonged. Nothing more painful than the realisation that the one you'd hoped loved and respected you the most, actually saw you to be far worse than you saw yourself! And I thought I was my worst critic! Thankfully a tiny book saved me. I won't allow myself to be crushed. I call upon the phoenix within me and pull all my strength together, determined not to let anyone undermine the value I place in myself. There's a little girl growing to a beautiful woman who looks up to me and I will never let her down. Besides I have help too.

My faith in God is great. No matter who lets me down and leaves me there, He will not let go of His grip on me. So holding on to that mighty hand, I move forward, ready and prepared to take on every punch that this year may throw in my face, for when He has me in His arms how can I possibly fall? He will lead me to the end of the tunnel, and unto that glorious light that I know I deserve. And on that note here's wishing you all and myself a wonderful blessed year ahead!!

Ennu ninde Moideen

A small village. A muslim boy. A Hindu girl. Both from prestigious families and of course the usual happens. They fall in love.

Families are naturally outraged and defiantly object. And with equal defiance the pair choose to remain committed to each other.. Sounds stereotyped already right? Well now picture that scenario in the mid-fifties, where caste and religion played the one major role in everyday living.

Turn to look at the boy and see a confident, active communist, sportsman, actor and an over all hero. Look further and you'll see the girl, a smart intelligent medical student who stood her ground against racialism in her class at a time when higher professional education for girls was a rare luxury. Be with her as the love of a man she admires for his ideals is revealed to her, through innocuous brilliant efforts. And thus allow yourself to drown in their story. The story of Moideen and Kanchana.

A tale that weaves through over two decades of heartache and so much love.

A tale where two youngsters choose patience over passion, and decide to wait till the incessant storms pass over.

A tale that narrates the faith the couple had in each other and their relentless need for each other despite fears and threats of social discord.

A tale that tells of a man who respected the wishes of the woman he loved and waited for years, only because that was what she desired.

Witness the depths of love of a woman who allowed her family to imprison her in the confines of her home for years on end.

Perceive the lives of a desperate couple that tried and tried again to attempt at a life together and never gave up despite each thwarted effort.

Too mushy? Too filmy maybe?

Well, what if this really happened?

What if, way back in the fifties there were indeed two young people whose only fault was that they fell in love at a time and an age when it was unheard and almost criminal to wed across castes and definitely impossible to even imagine from another faith.

Isn't it then a story worth telling? And this story has indeed been sensitively told ensuring that the young lovers steal a bit of your heart along the way.

What perhaps is amazing about this tale is how they never chose to give up. Despite all odds.

Their only reiteration to their love were the letters that were smuggled to and fro with the help of the few that supported them.

Brilliant was the language they created to prevent the letters being read if caught.

But again, mostly touching was the fact that they stayed faithfully and deeply in love and apart for over twenty years.

Only to not be united at all.

Believe me, if you have a touch of romance in your heart this story will not fail to move you.


R S Vimal's attempt to bring immortality to this beautiful love story is definitely a great work of art.


Natural and captivating are the performances of Prithviraj in the role of Moideen and Parvathi as the pretty Kanchana.

Rain, as in most Indian romances these days, plays a vital role here as well.

Beautifully balancing the pain is the humor that is seamlessly added to the movie.

The songs and the background score have done absolute justice to the movie, dedicated to one of the greatest love stories that Kerala can claim as her own.

Every character has done justice to their roles but eventually our attention and our hearts remain with Moideen and Kanchana.

Especially when you know that the real-life Kanchana still lives in Moideen's home as his unwed widow and he still lives in her heart as her eternal lover.

Definitely worth watching. And knowing that all of it, every bit of it, actually took place all those years ago, does indeed light a small spark of hope within oneself. That there still may be hope for us after all. That we too may find that one true love who not just loves but respects and accepts you for who you are, and who promises to be yours until the end of time, come what may.

As Moideen says of his beloved, 'She does indeed have a beautiful face, but she has a far more beautiful heart.'

And she in turn says of him, 'I love him a thousand and hundred thousand times more than you can possibly imagine and I know he loves me a million fold more than that.'

It's so easy to utter such words, but this couple proved to the world that their promise to each other to be the other's was the greatest thing in the world for them and that they would do, and actually did do everything to live by that.

The script captures the essence of their love, while depicting the social instability and inequality of those long ago days. This movie is a definite must see and the director, R S Vimal deserves a round of applause. So too do the lead pair.

What better way could such a story of love be made immortal than dedicating it to all generations as a movie?

Ennu Ninde Moideen

For better or for worse. Really?

There's one thing I'd really like to know, how do you make it work?

Amidst the regular exchange of gossip, gibberish and heartache during a recent stress busting chat with a girlfriend I suddenly joked that I'd wished I were gay, if only so I would have a partner who understood me. Maybe I reasoned, if we were of the same sex then we'd understand each other better? Honestly, I so envy the couples that actually make it work, gay or not, and I wonder, how do they do it?

Trust me it's tough being stuck with people who absolutely refuse to even attempt to understand you, yet who selfishly expect you to live selflessly by their terms. But looking around me I realise that there are actually so many people living just like that. On the terms of another. Putting their own emotions, needs, wishes and everything else on hold. Giving in to the aggressive demands of the stronger partner, perhaps because they are too dependent, or maybe because confrontation scares them or maybe because there's still too much of love within them to do what's sensible - value themselves and move on, with their heads held high.

Yet there are indeed a few that are brave enough to take the call. To decide that they've had enough. And they choose to face the storm and move on, come what may. I applaud them. For they opt not just to listen to their own hearts but to walk alone, against the norms and stipulations of society, family, friends and everyone else.

Such individuals, a few that I am lucky to call friends, have gone ahead and decided that they've had enough. That heartache and suppression and pain and disappointment and most of all the disrespect is just beyond what they deserve.

Why are there so many failed relationships?

What is it that comes between two loving hearts?

Why is it that a relationship that starts off so beautifully eventually ends up in such a painful disaster?

I've often had the opportunity of being with both hurt parties and each has his or her points to stress upon. And in most times I've seen that nothing is sudden. Most break-ups are the result of long suffering situations where eventually the sufferer decides she or he has had enough. And the other is left wondering what went wrong yet still refusing to accept any responsibility.

In most cases, I've come to understand that ego is the culprit.

Ego pulls the blinds down and prevents you from seeing the pain you're causing the one you claim you love.

Ego prevents you from apologizing, even when you know you've done wrong.

Ego demands you be understood even when you fail to understand.

Ego forces you to point your finger at the other and refuses to notice that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at you.

Ego tells you you're perfect and that you can do no wrong and thus ensures you screw up the most precious relationship you have.

Ego demands that you hurt the one person you love the most and eventually you're left all alone, just you and your ego.


Another sad factor is that most partners take it upon themselves to decide what is best for the other.

They refuse to accept that their partner probably wants something else completely.

A friend of mine sat me down and told me blatantly that he had always bought his wife the best of jewelry and clothes, that he ensured he cleaned the house (and her wardrobe!), and in his mind this raised him to the status of a perfect husband. He failed to see that she wanted something else totally. Her needs from her man went far beyond a clean kitchen. It did not even occur to him to even try and understand what her needs were. Yet his biggest complaint was that she failed to understand his needs.

Could that be what is going wrong? Are we taking it upon ourselves to decide what is best for the other rather than trying to understand the partner's needs and work on trying to fulfil them?

But then there is another couple that I know well and know for a fact that she goes out of her way to give in to him totally. Allowing him to dictate the terms of their relationship. Faithfully placing the responsibility of her happiness in his hands, under the absolute belief that he would never let her down.

He takes it all but fails to deliver.

His excuse is she's too demanding.

Could that be what is wrong then? Do we demand too much? Much more than we deserve? But then who draws the line on what is deserving?

And then again there's another pair that I know where she has sole responsibility of caring for the children, the home, the finances, all of it. He comes and goes as he pleases. His excuse? Fate. To me it's just plain selfishness.

Maybe that's it then. We're all selfish. We're all thinking of just ourselves. Our own pleasures. Our own needs. And when the needs of one clashes with the needs of the other all hell breaks loose.

How do you strike the right balance?

Why is it so difficult to understand that a relationship can never be one-sided. It's a partnership.

If you want to take then you need to know how to give. And not just give what you want to give but give what the other wants to take.

No one is forced to be committed to another. If someone sticks by you through thick and thin then it is because she chooses to. There is nothing weak in that. If she chooses to move on then there's nothing weak in that either.

Another sad player in the ruin of a relationship is - money.

If she's a working woman then he often allows insecurity and ego to seep in, if she is totally dependent on him then he allows arrogance and authority to rule. And if she chooses to question him then all hell breaks loose. And if she's the sole earning partner then he often ends up seeming weak and dependent and that wreaks havoc on his ego especially if she makes it a point to appear superior.

At times, money problems just add to the existing mess, making it even worse to work things out.

And maybe another major fact that needs to be considered is that often, in relationships, each partner is totally dependent on the other for their own happiness. They fail to comprehend that their happiness eventually lies solely in their own hands. Not in the hands of their parents, siblings, friends, children or even their partner. Everyone can contribute to the happiness of another but cannot and should never take total responsibility. I should be able to decide that come what may I will be happy and no one should have the power to take that away from me. I should believe that I have the right to make myself happy and I don't really need anyone else taking that effort for me.
Once we actually understand that then I believe that a lot of problems and issues would die away.

I have always believed that respect is what holds two people together more than anything else, even love. If you respect another, then you will be able respect her wishes, her needs and most of all her feelings. You would never be able to purposefully hurt her, and in case you do then you should be committed to recompensing the pain.