Dear Zindagi

What would you do when you want to buy a chair?

Do you just walk into the first store you find and pick up the first chair you see? 

Do you allow another person to tell you which chair would suit you best? 

Or would you prefer to check each chair out? Sit in them, feel the texture, test the cushioning, experience the seat, in fact check all the options possible before taking a call?

Nothing could possibly beat this analogy to making the choice of a suitable partner in life.

It's sad that most Indian women are taught to believe that society knows better when it comes to making life's major decisions. In fact, we're told from a young age that it's improper to even consider an unwed relationship with a man or, god forbid, men! And most of us were forcibly convinced that we're better off marrying strangers because our parents, families and oh yes, society believes that that's what's best for us. 

At a young age, the responsibility of the family's good name is a burden that many a 'proper' Indian girl is forced to bear. 

Thank God attitudes are changing. And thank God I'm a different breed! 

As the mother of a teenager myself, I believe that each individual, my daughter included, should be allowed the right to choose what is best for her in the long run. Be it in her studies, her career, her friends and of course her partners. I choose to pluralise that because I want her to eventually pick the chair that's perfect for her and thankfully I'm sensible enough to know that sometimes the first chair you choose may not be best suited for you so yes, as a responsible mother I want her to try a chair or two until she gets to the chair she's the most comfortable and the happiest with. After all, a mother can only want the best for her child. It's her life, she should have the right to enjoy it as best as she can, living it to the fullest. She should know that it's fine to make mistakes but most of all she must know that a mistake is not the end but the beginning of another better road. 

Dear Zindagi teaches you all that and more, proving that the simplest of stories can reveal the truest beauty of good living. 

The movie revolves around Kaira, a young girl, on the threshold of adulthood yet still so much a child, and +Alia Bhatt does more than mere justice to the role. The young actress literally lives the character, in fact, in many an instant I couldn't but help relate her to my own child!

Every scene is so beautifully thought and exquisitely portrayed. Her moments of innocent bliss, her troubled spells of indecision, her painful loneliness, her aggressive ambition and her frustrated struggles to earn a place in a male-dominated field. Every aspect of the protagonist is depicted with such precise perfection that the entire movie is such a joy to watch.

And of course, it's the spine that holds the tale together and here the movie rests on the calm serene presence of none other than the Badshah himself, +Shah Rukh Khan.

His quiet guidance that slowly convinces the young girl to open her heart and reveal the hurt that had been aching within her for years, is portrayed with interminable grace and poise. His performance as the cheery psychologist whose patient endeavours helps the young Kaira overcome her inhibitions and her despairs, to blossom into the wonderful talented confident young woman every child should grow to be, is beyond sublime. 

The incidents portrayed are so real they could happen to anyone.

Most parents sadly do not realise that the casual indifference they treat their young children with actually plays a huge role in moulding their characters. And often such rifts are left desperately unresolved.

The depiction of helpless dependence on equally inept peers for support pulls a heart string or two and one actually feels a sense of immense relief when Kaira finally reaches out for help, and thankfully to the right person!

The music is deeply appealing and Goa is without doubt the perfect sun-kissed locale to discover the joy in just living a good life. 

The supporting characters add just the right dash of spice, their adoration of Kaira reveals the lovable nature of her character. Men are instantly attracted to her magnetism yet left lost with no idea on how to handle her. Friends surround her with warmth and affection while family are helpless in their abundant love yet total inability to even understand her. 

All in all, we are taught to realise that our strength actually lies within each one of us. It is eventually upto us to choose how we live our lives. To decide whether to allow our past dictate the terms of our present at the cost of our future. We are shown that sometimes when lost in darkness there's no shame to ask for help. We don't need to be lead to the light, we can reach brilliance on our own it's just that we sometimes need to be prodded in the right direction. 

At the end of the day, you need to know who and what you are. You are answerable only to yourself and what anyone else thinks of you doesn't really have to matter.

You do not need to choose the difficult path because you think that's what's best for you. Sometimes the easier choice is the better choice in the long run. 

Dear Zindagi is yet another stroke of genius from Gauri Shinde, and is perhaps even a rung higher than her debut success English Vinglish. She's got some of the best talent in the industry portray some of the most sensitive characters possible and Dear Zindagi clearly screams - she's one to watch out for!

Plainly put, this is a movie I would definitely want my daughter to see because so much of what is taught here is what I would want her to know and live by.

Yet again I say, always always forgive

I must say, the response to an earlier post of mine was quite overwhelming, in fact it left me speechless, which believe me, is saying a lot!

I received so many personal messages and mails from many I know and from many others I haven't yet met, and most of them supported my stand and shared my views. However a few dear ones took things a notch further and claimed that they could feel pain in my words. And then there were a few others who stated that I should just let go, apparently they got the impression that I'm still down and depressed over relationships long dead.

All in all, I feel compelled to set things straight.

Believe me, I do not dwell on the past. Life has proved to me that every day that comes is better than the day that's passed. So I prefer to live in the present as best as I can and hope for the best in the times ahead. It isn't easy especially during those times when the past sweeps its way in, but most of the time I manage. If I'm happy or sad, angry or just down I prefer to live in the mood and not relive it.

The hurt from betrayal can be long and painful, but the more you fan the flames the longer the pain lives on and that just won't take you anywhere other than to deeper agony, terrible remorse and a pitiful existence. But don't try suppressing your feelings either, trust me that doesn't help at all. Instead take the effort to focus on the better things in life and allow things to settle down naturally. Understand that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. It may take time but you will heal. Before you realise it you would have moved happily on.

We all take a thing or two from the past for keeps. Fond memories, treasured moments and in cases of hurt - the lessons learnt.

I've been let down painfully by family, those closer than family and a few friends. Thankfully, I've tried to learn from the experiences and the biggest lesson they taught me was to realise how wonderful my other relationships were!

For everyone you lose you gain someone far better.

Gradually I stopped missing those who had chosen not to value my worth and soon I was grateful for their exit because they left behind a space that was filled by those far more deserving.

Therefore I say, be thankful for everyone who loves you and is with you and by you, they are worth your time, love and efforts. But be even more grateful for those who are no longer a part of your life, believe me, your world is far better without them.

Some may hurt you unintentionally, have the heart to forgive and the grace to give several second chances if need be, but only until your faith in them remains. There may come a time when they cross the line of no return. In which case close the door behind them.

You cannot control the loyalty of another. No matter how you are to them do not expect them to treat you likewise.

You may love with all your heart and soul but always know that you cannot compel another to love you in the million ways you long to be cared for. You can only teach yourself to be satisfied with the little they give. Not because that is what you deserve but because they have chosen to value you at only so much. They may mean the world to you but if they choose another over you then have the ability to know that it's their loss. It isn't your fault. Don't ever allow another to decide your worth.

What is right and correct by you may not be so for others.

Accept that just as you can't help being the person that you are, others can't help the way they think or behave.

Understand that ego is an ugly beast that rears its vicious head even in the most innocent of hearts. Do not allow it to reside within you, for then what would be the difference between you and those who have turned against you?

Always be the bigger person. Forgive. Always. Not for their sakes but for yours. The peace of mind that is born from a forgiving heart is but bliss.

Let go of the anger. Have faith in bigger greater things. I do. My faith is my strength.

There had been a time when I was accused of being a dark carrier of misfortune, so much so that I too ended up believing in it. But divinity saved me, revealing to me how, on various occasions, I was but the opposite.

Have no regrets because everything that happens always happens for the best.

Choose to let go of the ugly and the ugliness they bear. I delight in the better things in life. After all we have just one life so live it as well and as happily as you can. With those who know you and love you for who you are. You have no time to waste on the rest.

Do your best to right every wrong, but if it is beyond you then allow yourself to let go and move on, believing that a brightness awaits you at the turn of the corner ahead.

My biggest vices are my possessiveness and my insatiable greed for more love from those I love. The former has ruined the best and the latter added in the dirt. But still I shamelessly declare, this is me and this is the me I'll always be.

Once bitten twice shy as they say! To the winds with them I say!

Love as freely and as wildly as you wish! The world is so full of people who deserve to be loved with abandon.

Just be cautious with those who've caused pain. Remember lessons taught. Not for vengeance or revenge but merely to protect yourself from being hurt again.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier post, if they've betrayed you once they will not hesitate to hurt you again.

Why tumult yourself with all that pain yet again? You've learnt their true colours, you've experienced the pain they've caused, you've seen how low they'll stoop, love yourself enough to protect yourself from them henceforth.

Hence always remember to forgive but to never forget. For your own sake.

Let the pain leave but hold on to the lessons learnt.

Understand that everyone is selfish. Some will be with you only when they have the need, your needs will not matter. Others do what they can for their own betterment and if you are a rung on their ladder then they will have no qualms slamming you down in their efforts to climb up.

Don't allow them to beat you down. Instead believe that you and the person that you are will eventually take you to the top and the truth will be revealed.

One thing I always bear in mind is that I too may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another. No one is perfect, least of all me. This thought alone helps me forgive.

When I look back to the experiences that have the shaped the person that I've become I am truly grateful for those who have loved me unconditionally and for those who have chosen not to.

I believe I am greatly blessed and therefore I know I am beloved to God. Today I have wonderful friends, a loving family, a great job, a fabulous home and the foresight to believe that each new day brings new joys. I am happy. My heart is free. And that's the way I would always want to be.

10 Kalpanakal

Most actors would choose a movie that would rotate around their character when making a comeback. But yet again +Meera Jasmin proves she's not of the regular pack and is out to play a different ball game altogether. 10 Kalpanakal has all the makings of a flamboyant entertainer but eventually, beyond all the flash and colour is a serious message that's shouted out loud and clear.

With her role as investigating police officer Shazia Akbar, Meera Jasmin has obviously chosen to take a step away from the regular roles one would normally associate her with. Of course many an actress has played the role of a police officer, but unlike most she doesn't attempt to show off how hot she would look in tight khakis nor does she deliver loud and lengthy dialogues nor does she try to add to the glamour that the director obviously attempts to spike the movie with. Instead she enacts an effortless and dignified presentation of a young officer well aware of the burden the responsibility on her shoulder weighs.

+ANOOP MENON is equally flawless in his role as a god fearing family man, unable to comprehend even the slightest of evils normal in today's world.

The simple joys of a happy family are portrayed effortlessly as well.

However, working across the madness of a revolting mind, the movie gives you a glimpse of why the mad are beyond hope and repair.

The entire film revolves around a series of violent murders, committed by an obvious psychopath, and eventually rests on a murder that turns unexpected twists in the tale.

Just when you figure you've got it all figured out the whole tale takes yet another spin that brings you to the edge of your seat, before the climax turns everything around again!

The movie though interspersed with all the theatrics of showy blockbuster could perhaps have done better with a touch of reality in its presentation, but thankfully that shortcoming has been pretty much balanced out by the high voltage performances of the actors.

Definitely enjoyable and if you support the cause then yes this is a must see.

Every day we witness horrific acts of atrociousness committed against defenceless women. Every day we're shocked at how often guilty brutes are allowed to go scot-free all because of a loophole or two in a legal system that's supposedly in place to protect the rights of its citizens.

Eventually when law fails, justice still prevails.

Always forgive..

But don't ever forget.

At one point or the other in the trip called life we all face betrayal, at times from those who're almost strangers but for most, the enemy turns out to be far closer to home and heart. And believe me, theirs is the worst of betrayals.

Only time and trials reveal true colours and I've learnt many a time, many a hard time rather, that not everyone is selfless or as committed to you as you are to them.

What do you do once you know?

I guess we all have our own ways of surviving such bitter experiences.

I have my own.

One lesson I've learnt early on in life is that if someone has the audacity to let you down once then be assured they wouldn't hesitate to let you down again.

Yet I forgive. Because that is what my faith teaches me.

However, I do not forget.

And it's not because I am arrogant or egoistic or stubborn or vengeful or childish or anything else.

I'm not out for revenge, in fact I have never borne any vengeance toward anyone because, yet again, my faith assures me that I have a God who will stand for me and avenge me for every wrong done upon me.

I choose not to forget simply because only I can protect myself. And remembering the hurt keeps me from getting hurt again.

I do not have the power to change the character or attitude of another. It is not upto me to prove my worth to someone who chooses not to value it. Therefore I choose to stay away. Just so that I can keep my heart from hurting. I choose to ensure that I do not give such people the opportunity to attack my defenceless self yet again.

When you're let down by those you least expect to abandon you, you're drenched in disbelief. You wage against the treachery, refusing to accept the inevitable truth. Then, as reality sets in it brings in its wake a vicious rage. How dare they let you down??

Eventually the anguish takes over and the pain  that follows is deep and scarring.

You will gradually move on with life, and at this stage I often find myself grateful for the awareness that I now own of those I once believed to be kindred souls but who were never really on the same trail.

Many have told me to forgive and forget. Easy to say when you're just the onlooker. Would they do as they preach if they were the victim? Because being in those shoes is a whole different story.

Sure I forgive. I don't think there's a soul that has done me so much wrong that my heart has struggled with the inability to forgive.

But I never forget. In fact I don't even try.

Because the lesson was painfully learnt and to forget meant I was at risk of having to suffer the same pain and learn the same hurtful lesson yet again.

My mind gears up and draws the lines for me, protecting me with a selfish fierceness. Ensuring that distances are maintained and I remain safe.

However I must add, it takes a lot to shake my faith.

I  know I am not perfect thus I do not expect anyone else to be perfect either.

Imperfections do not dissuade me from relationships.

I can love with unbridled passion and am faithful to a fault. Once committed, then not much can shake my allegiance. And as mentioned earlier I always forgive and I do forget quite a bit, until it's a bit too much.

You see, I unfortunately possess certain unstated norms that I hold religious when it comes to relationships, and faithfulness stands above all else.

When I am true to you the least I would wish for is for you to be true to me too. But then again, if you're fake and act truthful then how would I ever know the actual truth?

From a very young age I've been selfishly protective of my own peace of mind because my peace concerns only me.

On various sad occasions through the years I've had to witness the revelation of the actual viciously selfish nature of those I believed loved me as dearly as I loved them.

The love is still and will always be within me but the trust will never live on.

There have been some who have bitched about me behind my back for years. Much of what I shared in good faith was shared with others. At times so much was blown out of proportion that I was totally blown when I was finally brought to light.

I would often take so long to accept the truth and in most cases I would relent only when the facts stare at me in the face. I then realise that warning signals had been beeping and blinking violently for a long time but I had been too blinded by my bond to the relationship to see and know and accept the real truth. Eventually I pay dearly. Every time.

You would think once you've covered a couple of decades you would know to choose friends wisely, you would be assured that if you've known someone all your life or you're friends for over a decade then surely you know the other thoroughly enough, but how would you know the wolves if they're cleverly disguised in tailor-made sheep's clothing?

I know I'm nothing great, and of course I am worse than most, but surely a relationship means overseeing all that and loving the other despite it all? At least that is how I love everyone in my life and how I hope to be loved in return.

Anyway, I've slowly accepted life at its terms. These bitter experiences have taught me to be enormously grateful for the many true, beautiful friends standing faithfully by me and with me over the years.

I am grateful that I was the bigger person in every such situation. I chose not to counter-attack such people, for if I do then what would be the difference between them and me? Instead I chose to stay away. The worse the betrayal the further away I drift.

I am grateful that my heart would never concede to being cunning and conniving but chooses merely to carry on and be what I am and do what I can to make my life good.

I am glad that at the end of the day I can be happy with the person that I am. I am what I am. I have my faults but at least I do not pretend, and I definitely do not bitch. If I do indeed choose to bitch then it wouldn't be behind anyone's backs.

Anyway life was moving on happily until recently a careless comment by someone I wished understood me better declared I forgive and forget hence this post!

Yes I will forgive. I already have. Those who betray can't help being fake. That is their imperfection, God knows I have mine so who am I to point fingers?

But no, I won't forget. I can't. I shouldn't. The hurt was too much. The deceit was too much. I prefer not to have to learn that lesson again. At least not from the same people.

Together or apart

I happened to read two articles today on the same topic but each speaking a totally different story. Being a subject that I feel quite strongly about I couldn't resist adding my two bits too! And boy do I have quite a bit to say!

One story spoke of the pros and the other of the cons of divorce and each tale was told mostly from the aspect of the misfortunate children involved.

The writer who vouched for couples to struggle through an unhappy, loveless marriage claimed that the children would carry a burden of guilt if forced to be a part of a separation. They would also have to suffer social stigma from peers and in all probability from society as a whole. Their whole lives will change drastically and forever and they will lose out on growing up in a blessed wholesome family. Therefore, she claims, responsible parents should continue to strive and suffer living lovelessly together, to try and try and keep trying. For the sake of the children.

Well, allow me to ask, what about for their own sakes?

Is it fair to guilt parents into suffering an incompetent relationship in the name of the children? Because that's obviously what the writer was doing. 

We all venture into marriage hoping for the best and believing that we've made the right choice. Things may go great at the beginning, but eventually true colours, be it good or bad, are always revealed. Unfortunately by the time most couples realise they're better off apart there would be children in the equation as well.

Sure there's love at first sight but there's no guarantee such love would survive the mundane ordeals of daily living. True sustained love is borne from years of togetherness. And believe me, it doesn't necessarily happen just because you're married to each other. Some couples just about manage to get along despite it all, well kudos to them! Some grow together for the better and find real joy in each other and they're the lucky ones, but in today's world it's unfortunate that such marriages are rare and hard to find because most couples just stride along together, unhappy and broken.

Everybody knows that marriage isn't easy. Nothing ever is. And I believe that we must give in our very best to make it work. After all, this is the person we swore we would be by all through our lives, through sickness and health and all of it. So yes, it needs a lot of work. And patience and oodles and oodles of understanding. But sometimes despite everything you pour into it, it just fails to work. Probably because you discover you have completely different sets of values, that you have absolutely no patience for his interests and he takes no interest in any of yours. Maybe it's your perspectives on parenting that don't meet eye to eye. And in a lot of cases, it's finances. And of course in each issue there's ego too.

The road can get bumpy with just a spark or two.

What many fail to realise is that if each spark is not attended to as and when it lights up then the fire can really get going and by the time you actually decide to react, in all probability, it would be too late. So give in a little, it won't hurt to compromise a bit.

No-one opts for divorce easily because like it or not it depicts you as a failure and no one enjoys being in that hot seat. So I'm pretty sure that each couple that eventually decides to separate would have reached that option after hours and days and perhaps years of careful thought and tremendous pain. Often I wonder, if only we gave even half as much thought to marriage at the time then maybe we would have been far better off now.

Divorce is often the blank wall at the dead end of the road you'd tried to call marriage. You have to pluck up your courage, climb over that wall and discover a whole new world waiting for you on the other side.

Now comes the question, won't the children be affected? Yes of course they would. It's a difficult and trying situation for everyone involved. And it will demand a lot of effort, patience, time and every ounce of love to help the children understand that it was the best choice for all. This lies mostly in the parents' hands. The children need to know and have to be convinced that it's not their fault that their parents can't get along with each other. They need to be assured that the parents love for them would not be affected and they would still be as beloved as always. 

Parents need to understand that how one handles the whole situation is the crux of it all. They need to know that the divorce doesn't just concern them and their feelings but the tender innocent feelings of their children as well. 

Some divorces are unfortunately bitter, filled with pain, anger and spite. Children emerge from such situations scarred, probably for life. Behave like the adults you'd like your children to see you as. Grasp every bit of patience and understanding and work together on moving apart. It's the best way out.

In some cases, where the marriage itself is riddled with arguments, disagreements and fights on a regular basis, the children probably find a lot more peace with the parents apart rather than together. I know of children who fear going back home every evening from school, unable to bear the stress of witnessing their parents fighting yet again without a care that their children are a silent part of the whole scenario. In such cases, the blame of the damage on the child's psyche falls totally on each parent's shoulders and they should have split up far back in time.

As for marriages in a society like India, you don't just have to consider each other or just the children, you also have to deal with the in-laws, neighbours, extended family, society and everybody else. It's no easy task. For those Indian couples who finally call it a day and choose to split up for the better of each other and of the children, well, honestly, they're the ones with the balls. 

You never get everything you want or even need. You mostly make do with what you've got. In many cases that would suffice, because you've got some areas that work well so you just let the rest be. Those are the lucky few. 

But what about those who've got nothing in common at all? Who live under the same roof but rarely sleep in the same bed? Why do they stay together at all then? And in almost all such cases, the claim is it's for the kids.

Well, if kids feel guilty about parents separating, have you ever stopped to wonder about how kids would feel of parents forced to live with each other just for their sakes? 

Don't underestimate children. However young they may be, they are extremely perceptive and are capable of reading and understanding situations correctly. Imagine the guilt they must be suffering knowing that they are responsible for the misery their parents are suffering.

Trust me I know.

Sure kids may constantly hope for the best. They're children, that's all that they can do. Being the third person in the situation they see both sides of their parents' relationship. In their minds they probably feel that if one parent gave in one way and the other the other way then things would be much better. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Because the parents are breathing, thinking, feeling individuals and if they just don't get along then they will never get along.

Sure as I said earlier we all start off with the best of intentions but gradually when one or the other or both fall off the wedded track and continues to stay off it then why prolong the misery?

I believe that we all have just one life. We all have only so many chances to get things right. Like in everything else, if we fail we shouldn't be forced to remain drowned in that failure but should allow ourselves to rise up, step out and away and if possible, try again. After all we all have the right to happiness. Even parents. The responsibility of parenthood should not override your right to happiness and peace of mind.

Why should you be forced to live in a loveless mess when you actually have a choice to do better for yourself? Because no matter what many would say, you do have a choice. 

Now in some cases, the parents may not be happy together at all, but are comfortable being apart while being together. For them marriage is a pretence for the rest of the world to see while at home they are happy as strangers, living separate lives while living together. Many are satisfied in such situations. There are no fights, no arguments, no issues, nothing. Yes, nothing, because there's no love, no companionship, no sex, no joy and eventually no life. They may be fine living like that. For now. But what about tomorrow? Again the blame for their half-baked existence falls on the children. But what about once the children fly the roost? Because that will happen. Such parents only think about their todays. They fool themselves into believing that their tomorrows will be just as fine. They need to realise that life will go on for everyone else especially the children, who will move on to live their own lives. What then? Have you imagined the loneliness that would be your constant companion then? I have seen this happen quite close to home and believe me it's very painful to witness.

I strongly believe that one should not have to grow old alone. And one should not be selfish and demand that children take over their old age. It is only fair that one should therefore have a suitable companion to grow old with. Because eventually that's what marriage is all about. Companionship. A joy and peace of living with someone we know and love. Of growing old with someone who cares for us. Sharing similar tastes, interests and hopes. Making every day a little bit more interesting than the one that just went by.

Now some people choose to stick together till the children are old enough to move on and eventually separate once the children are in a right frame of mind to accept that their parents are not meant to be together, but by then how many years would you have sacrificed? 

Every relationship begins with the best of interests, but eventually if things don't work out then they're allowed to wear off - friendships, partnerships and such are allowed to break then why not with marriages too?

In India, many believe in the concept of arranged marriages, claiming that in times of need entire families step in to help out, but till what extent? Because at the end of it all what actually matters is that the two individuals are compatible. If you ask me I would say that arranged marriages are double the pressure because if it doesn't work out then it proves not just the couple but entire families on either side had failed. 

Many criticise the western way of thinking. Of living together for years before taking the sacred step to marriage. But honestly I sway more to their way of thought. I believe they value the concept of marriage far more. Wouldn't it be far better to be together, understand each other, actually live together and then eventually realise that you can indeed live with each other for the rest of your lives? Rather than just diving in, procreating and then realising you just weren't made out to be together? Of course there's no guarantee that would work successfully either, take Brangelina for instance. 

We all have our own personal take on this. Some say we should pray and pray hard and a way will arise. I am a staunch believer in God, but I also believe that we need to do our bit too. Prayer can work miracles but sometimes we need to know that the miracle lies within us and it's upto us to make it work, one way or definitely the other. Because at the end of the day, it's our life, and no one else's. 

The new forty!

On my birthday a very dear friend gifted me a book called 'Tuesdays with Maurie', a beautiful, simple piece of literature that retold the last few sad and painful days of a man suffering from ALS. A kind and brilliant professor who had touched the lives of his students beyond their college years. A rare human being who lived by his thoughts, and who, by doing so, set an example for the rest of us, revealing to us the general mistake of just how lightly we take our lives to be. How granted we are of so many gifts, including the ability to wipe our own butts, a basic necessity that he is forced to turn to others for assistance.

There are no floral descriptives through the book, no elaborate explanations, just the experiences and the aching physical pain of a man who loved being alive whether healthy or not and who, through the writer, his student, teaches us various lessons on how we can tweak our thinking and eventually move on to a better living.

Various chapters deal with various topics - relationships, happiness, etc but the one topic that really struck me beyond the rest was Maurie's take on aging.

Now in the last quarter of last year I stepped into my fourth decade, and it was as I was nearing my venture into the exciting unknown of the forties that a realisation dawned upon me. For some strange reason most people seem to be wary of turning forty. That was also when I realised that most of my friends (and most of them thankfully are older than me!) had entered their forties without even so much as a squeak. From then on many of them shy away from announcing their age. I on the other hand don't mind one bit! I find it quite a boost when in return I always receive the comment that I don't look it! Probably a tad exaggerated but still a compliment I never tire of hearing!

Anyway I remember one friend in particular who worried about turning forty a whole year before she actually got there! And at the time it had me wondering about how affected I would be when I got there too. I did often ponder about my innermost feelings as I neared the new decade. But I honestly felt nothing unusual. Just the regular tingle of excitement that I've always had at every birthday of mine. The thrill of having friends gathering together just for me, doing something special for me. The fun in getting fabulous gifts. The shower of love that's always there on every birthday.

 In fact, on my fortieth, I found myself so looking forward to celebrating with friends and family. I actually had several celebrations!!

But most of all, on this birthday, I celebrated myself!

Now I can truly say, I was delighted to be yet a year older. I was thrilled to be forty. I felt I had lived enough on everyone else's terms and now I was of the licensed age to finally live on my own terms.

I felt I was young enough to have a blast, get drunk, go dancing, make out, do anything at all if that's what I wanted, and yet I was thrilled that I was now old enough to know what was best for me, to decide how my todays need to be, and how my tomorrows should be.

I learnt that I belonged only to myself. I could keep myself to myself for myself. I did not need to share everything and all that I am with anyone else. I was my special person. I found joy with me. I was my best critic and my greatest rock. I knew I would always want the best for me. I needed support, strength, and appreciation only from me.

I did not need another telling me what to do or how to be. I knew what was best for me.

Suddenly, gone was the deep dark desperate yearn to be understood and loved for I had realised that no one understood me better than myself. And at forty, I learnt that that was so enough!

My happiness was in my hands, and in my hands alone.

The deliverance was exhilarating to say the least!!

And in this aspect Maurie agreed with me.

Why should the heart grow old?

Why can't the mind grow old?

I've been foolish at twelve, daydreaming at eighteen, a mother at twenty-four, the head of my department at twenty eight. Give me any age before forty and I've been there and done it all. I can go back and do it again too. No-one who's not reached forty can say that!

Instead of looking back and wishing time would standstill if only so that the wrinkles would stay off your face, or your figure was what it used to be or your hair was thicker, I'd much rather welcome the elegance and grace that I know each year adds to me.

Instead of piling on more layers of make-up in an attempt to look younger but actually turning frightfully garish,(and yes I know a person or two who does exactly that!!) I would love for my skin and my features to speak of all the beautiful and not so beautiful experiences that's brought me this far.

I'm past the need of being admired for the way I look, and I look forward to being respected for the person that I am.

I love being able to dance like a sixteen year old, to laugh out loud and joke stupidly like any teenager can, but I also enjoy the wisdom that my years have gifted me which no teenager can lay claim upon.

That's the beauty of being forty.

So for those of you who try so hard to appear younger, do try to look beyond age. Look back and relish all the great years you've lived. Have you missed out on much? If you feel you have then that's all the more reason to turn and look forward. Make sure you don't miss out on anything anymore.

It's all about friendships!

My dad has always been a loner, happy in his own company and distrusting of anyone who tried to get too close. His justification for his attitude was that no one could possibly be a true friend. He strongly believed that everyone including himself feigned affection merely to attain their means and needs. Once used and useless, the friendship becomes meaningless.

I however have always scoffed his take, having always chosen to see the better of everyone. For as long as I can remember friends have always played a major role in my life. Many of my dearest and closest friends have been with me and by me for many long years. They share my fears, secrets, desires, joys and everything else that makes me the person that I am. And there isn't a moment in my life that I am not grateful for their presence, because this great bunch of people have always chosen to see beyond my imperfections, which, trust me, isn't easy!

I took pride in placing friends closer than family in my heart and in my life. The difference between family and friends as we all know is the former isn't a choice while the latter is. And I always thought I chose well. Of course there were a few mistakes down the road, but more or less I had gotten it right, at least that's what I thought.

A recent incident rocked my very faith in the whole concept of friendship and I actually found myself thinking that perhaps dad had been right after all! But thankfully I've got enough sense to know that one person's ineptitude does not label everyone else as incompetent.

As in all other relationships, there are no guidelines or rule books on who to pick and more importantly whom to trust as a friend.

But there are many clues that should help, mostly, just follow your instincts.

Perhaps that's where I went wrong. My instincts were dropping the heaviest of hints, but I chose to ignore them and boy did I pay for that negligence!

You would think that knowing someone quite well for many years would make you an expert on their character, right? Wrong! You could know someone for a decade and even believe you were the closest of friends only to turn around and find a total stranger there instead.

No one is perfect, no one is a saint, but each friend should have certain basic qualifications.

And in my opinion, beware of those who bitch behind your back. How would you know if they do? Simple. If they gossip about others to you but appear all sugar and honey to the very people they were bitching about then that is a big red warning! Because what they do to others they can and will do with you.

Watch out for liars.

Of course everyone lies. White lies are normal in today's way of life but if lies are harmful and if on more than one occasion you learn that they've lied merely to create trouble then beware, they won't hesitate to lie about you or anything concerning you.

As in all relationships ego can cause irreparable damage.

Do not try to be better than the other. Each and everyone is special. Accept that the other can be better in some areas, and believe that you have your strengths too.

I believe that true friendship doesn't just mean sharing a few laughs. To me it means much more. A friend is someone I share with, be it my thoughts, fears, aspirations or failures. A friend is someone I can be just myself with. Someone I can let off my steam at, scream, yell, cry and laugh with. If I have to be on my guard with a friend then that person is definitely no true friend. And if that person can't take me the way I am then again that person is just not qualified to be a friend.

Friendship has to be balanced. If you're there for someone, as a strength and a support then it is mandatory that the friend must also reciprocate in some way or other. If not then all balance would go for a toss!

Appreciation is a necessity of course in every friendship but there's so much more. Understand the flaws and weaknesses of the other. Know how best the friend would respond to being corrected and do your best to make a better person of your friend. Grow together. Find happiness in the success of the other. Again I repeat, no one is perfect, there will be times when irritation and frustration will play an upper hand in a friendship, that doesn't mean you should turn your back on the other. Such moments will come and go.

Feigning affection, while bickering and complaining on the other side, is not the behaviour of a true friend.

Friends must and have to stand up for each other. There's this lovely person I am proud to call friend who's tolerated me and all my nonsense for many years. She has selflessly defended me on many an occasion, of course she may rip me up in private but that is her right, she will however never allow another to do that to me! As for me, I would do anything for her.

Envy is the death of many a relationship. Need I say more?

Value the time, space and attention that is given to you. Nothing is free, and if someone chooses to be with you then be grateful. They could have been with anyone else, but they chose to be with you.

There are some friends that I share what I would like to call soul-tie with. We may not speak to each other for days, and we may be far apart in terms of distance, but we do keep in regular touch, (I thank today's technology for that!) ensuring that the other is aware of all that we are.

Patience, understanding, forgiveness are necessities in every friendship, in fact, these are necessities in every relationship.

Give what you can to a friendship. Put your heart into it. Be selfless and kind. Compassionate and honest. Mere praises would not suffice for a friendship to last. Honesty and frankness are mandatory.

If you take the freedom to be as open and as frank as you wish with a friend then allow that person the same liberties with you. Do not bring in a third person. Your issues with a friend should remain with the friend.

No friendship is complete without trust. If someone has trusted you with their innermost being then honour the trust. It is not for you to share to another and it is definitely not yours to use.

Maintaining a friendship should not be an effort but a joy. There should be some compatibility for two people to venture into friendship. Similar tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, all matter. Do not count on friends as an opportunity to climb some social ladder or another, you will only end up hanging from the rungs, on your own.

If you have been let down badly, have the heart to forgive but learn from the lesson, don't dive back in.

Value your own worth. And stay away from those who don't value you. But for those who treasure you and everything about you, be there for them, they are true to you and are rare to find.

It's as simple as that.