Till death do us part.. or not?

Just about everyone in Kerala would have heard all that's there to hear about the rather public legal separation of a popular actor and his wife, once an equally popular actress. There had been gossip galore as to why they had decided to take such a drastic step and every other Keralite lapped it all up happily. The pair were analysed, their relationship scrutinised and studied but it was the new ex-wife who faced the actual brunt of all the criticism.

Personally I applauded Manju Warrier, the new divorcee, for the stand she took on the whole matter. Not once did she appear in the media in an attempt to attain public sympathy. She made no comments and steadfastly stuck to keeping her private life just that, private.

She then went on to be the face of a renowned jewellery brand and soon relaunched her acting career as well, and I bowed before her brave attempt to repair and renew her life.

Perhaps that's why it came as quite a shock when a few very close friends of mine announced a different sentiment towards the actress.

One particular friend went to the extent of saying that she did not approve of the whole affair at all. Once one was married then the commitment is for life, was her take. Especially if there are children involved. This friend believed that the actress had no right getting divorced and definitely had no business trying to build a career after it all. She was a wife and a mother and she should have stayed as such no matter what the circumstances. Honestly, I couldn't believe my ears.

I mean it's all fine for the wife to be submissive, at least to a limit. But how far is she expected to bend? But that's beside the point.

The actual point is, who are we, the common public, to judge whether a woman and a man should remain married? We don't know their lives. We have absolutely no idea why they chose to take such a step then what right do we have to judge them?

And why judge her in particular? What if she had no choice in the matter?

Because if what the grapevine says is true then it was the take of the actor in question that actually lead to the whole sad situation. But funnily no one seems to want to place any blame on him. All you need to do is just check out their Facebook pages. Dilip has adoring comments from adoring fans while Manju's on the receiving end of quite a bit of sarcasm.

So men may do as they wish and women should just suffer in silence? Shouldn't she have a right to a dignified life where she should be allowed to know and do what is best for her?

Another point that my friend brought up was the fact that the only child of the pair had chosen to be with the father. This fact, she concluded, only proved that there was something very wrong with the mother!

Again I say, we have no idea what their lives are all about.

To me, I believe that Manju is a lady who stood up for herself in spite of it all.

She did not allow herself to be broken with the unfortunate turn her life took.

She fell, but she picked herself right back up, brushed herself down and is now striding forward with all her strength.

She is a woman who has proved with her life that the past should be left alone, the present is to be lived and the future is to be looked forward to.

It's a shame that women condemn her.

This is a woman who should be admired by her own sex for the strength of character she has displayed.

This is a woman who should be seen as a leader for other women facing similar situations. She has definitely set the right example. She has proved that a woman may face a lot of trials but she can't and won't be beaten.

We all have just one life. It is our responsibility to make the most of it.

I'm sure she has a lot of friends and family standing up with and for her but I'm also sure she would be aware of public sentiment, yet despite all that she's still moving ahead and all I have to say, all that we should all say is bravo!

I think it is unjust to demand that a couple, once married should remain married all their lives. Especially in a country where arranged marriages are so popular. Two people who may not be compatible in any way are some times tied together with the bond of marriage. Rather than spending the rest of their lives in misery, wouldn't it only be fair to them that they move their separate ways and make better lives for themselves?

So many marriages are loveless.

So many people are sadly stuck together only because there are children in the equation.

Thankfully mine is probably the last generation that would give in to such unfair demands. Please don't get me wrong. I am not advocating divorce. Far from it.

Divorce rates are on the high now and frankly, that isn't healthy. We find a lot of couples breaking up within just months of togetherness. Could they have really tried hard enough?

So where does one draw the line?

What's the limit at which one can decide that it's time to move on?

Unfortunately there are no guidelines.

Marriage is indeed a sacred constitution.

But it demands a lot of effort, understanding, patience and yes, love, but most of all respect, for it to really work.

One partner would be aggressive and the other submissive, that's how the equation normally works. If both are on the same side of the fence then woe to them!

Each has to contribute and each has to be committed, just as in any other relationship, but only more.

And despite it all, if pain, anger, disgust and hatred flood in and settle down then it may be beyond repair.

In such cases, it just doesn't make sense in prolonging a farce. Move on.

But if there's even the slightest glimmer of hope then grab it and hold it tight and don't ever let it go, because you're one of the rare lucky ones!

And for those who have to move apart and ahead on their own, the pain would be inevitable. But it isn't the end of the road. It is a turn around a bend and unto a new and better path. This is the truth that I choose to believe.

This is the me I'll always be

Ok so here's the thing, I have often been called 'loud' but don't get me wrong. I mean loud in the very literal sense of the term. I can't deny it either. You see, I have a rather loud voice and unfortunately I have absolutely no control over my volume levels. The happier I am the louder I get. And don't let me get started on how high my volumes are upped when I'm excited! I can't help it though, and mostly because I hardly notice it.

All through my life, I have been told to lower my voice. Right from when I can remember and almost always by the men in my life.

'We could hear you from down the street!'

'We could hear your laugh from next door!'

'Shush! Control yourself!'

'Speak softer!'

'You're scaring the neighbours!'

The comments would keep coming and this was the gist of most of them. My dad, bless him, didn't mind much at all, but my brother had always taken it upon himself to police me and the baton was passed over to the husband once I got married, and he was more than thrilled to take over the role.

I have done my bit too of course, often trying to keep a check on myself but before long I'm back to square one. Needless to add, I've had a lion's share of innumerable shameful moments in public when I'm rudely pulled up in front of an audience for being too loud. Even recently I had an unnecessary dressing down and precisely at that very moment I decided, enough is enough.

I'm not a teenager anymore in fact I have a teenager of my own and another in line to enter her double digits. It's about time everyone accepted that this is the way I am and this is the way I always will be. If I were to be any different, believe me I would have changed a long time ago.

But honestly, I like my voice, volume included. This voice once built me a successful career because there had been a time when I had compered professionally and was actually quite good at it, though I say so myself.

But coming back to the topic at hand, I've had it with men thinking they can judge a woman by the tone of her voice or the levels of her volume. I'm tired of being told what to do, how to think and even how to speak. I've never heard a man being told to tone down his tone so then, why can't a woman decide how she can and should behave?

Apart from being loud volume wise, I also happen to be loud opinion wise and thankfully, though many have tried, I've been pretty adamant that I won't get bullied into coyly toning down my views for the sake of someone else.

I have been titled under various adjectives - different, complex, complicated and lots more. Honestly, I don't really care.

I have reached that stage in life where I choose to live on my terms and what's so wrong with that?

I've gone through enough in life to know that at the end of the day, we are on our own. There may be sympathisers and friends who would stand with you but the bulk of community that judges and condemns will not lend a helping hand when you need it, so then, why not condone their demands?

I do however understand the restraints of society, and though I may sound rebellious, I have thankfully always had a clear view on the expectations levelled upon me and I have always tried to balance the demands of social living and family with my own personal stand. It isn't easy. In fact, it's quite a juggle most of the time and involves almost everything. Right from whom I love, whom I choose to avoid, to what I eat and even what I wear!

For instance, I live in a rather small town, where girls in t-shirts are ogled upon. So when in town I prefer staid Indian wear and only switch to comfortable and personally preferred clothes once I cross the border. Many may say it is my personal choice and I shouldn't pay attention to such silliness, I agree, however I still prefer not to have my butt stared at by the local boys.

As for what I eat, the country's reaching a stage where not society but the government has taken actions of deciding that for its public. Ridiculous. But who else are we to blame but ourselves for voting so-called leaders to positions where they start making even personal choices for each of us.

And then there's love. That is my personal choice and is nobody's business but my own.

I do not allow my choices to get in the way of my responsibilities. I am a parent. I owe it to my children that I take care of them and give them all that I can to ensure they have a secure and sound future. That is my responsibility, not a choice but definitely a pleasure.

And as a parent I would like my children to grow up in full understanding of themselves, with the confidence that they know their hearts and the courage that they can be themselves without compromise. I learnt it the tough way, there's no need for them to go down the same road.

So this is what I have to say to my children and every other child out there.

Be the person that you want to be.

It doesn't matter if you have a loud shout or a shrill squeak. What matters is you know the difference between right and wrong. And choose to be on the side of all that is good.

It doesn't matter if you're comfortable in tank tops or cotton kurtis. What matters is you know that you don't need to be indecent to be attractive.

It doesn't matter if you don't follow the norms that a cynical public demands from you, what matter is you spend your time and your life doing and being what you truly enjoy.

Love those that your heart chooses to love. Choose a purpose in life that your mind appreciates and approves of.

Make every moment make sense to you.

Read when you feel like it, sing when you want to or break into a jig!

Your happiness is your responsibility.

At the end of the day it is your life. So just be the person you always want to be.

It's all about choices

Recently Bollywood heartthrob Deepika Padukone announced her belief that her life and the various choices in her life were hers and hers alone, this was hugely applauded by a huge segment of the public, me included. But today I chanced upon a post on an unknown blog where the writer has chosen to rip Deepika apart for her statements. The writer chose to compare various instances and incidents of the actress's past in an attempt to prove how contradictory they were to what she claimed to believe in today. The writer chose to do this without realising that she too had the choice not to.

How often do we realise that we always have choices every time we decide to do or say or even think of something? Do we ever understand that we actually have the choice to do, think and say something completely different? And that each time we act or behave it is almost always in total and absolute reaction to the circumstances that we find ourselves in at that moment?

In this article, Deepika was accused of breaking off her relationship with Ranbir years ago, because he chose to have a fling outside their affair. Perhaps we should take a moment to realise that it was her choice to do so. The actress has claimed that it is her choice if she wishes to have sex with someone, anyone. And if Ranbir chose to do so too then we need to understand that she has the right to choose how she wishes to react to it.

As I said it is all about choices.

Recently the same actress went live and announced how she had faced and fought depression. Wasn't this a choice too? She could have easily chosen to hide the fact instead she chose otherwise, in an attempt to help those who are suffering from the illness too. It is our choice to applaud or criticise such choices.

There are some things in life that are chosen for us. Our parents, our height, complexion etc. But there are some things that totally depend on our choices. We can choose to be brave and strong and face life head on. We can choose not to be defeated but to keep brushing ourselves down and pulling ourselves up each time life deals out a blow. We can also choose to huddle away, stay meek and silent. Our attitude is our choice. Our choices determine the person that we are and the character that we own, and the beliefs that we follow.

The turns our lives take depend so much on our choices. Even a lot of our health depends on our choices. All the butter, meat and alcohol we choose to intake will show their true colors in the turn our health will take.

Who I want to sleep with is my choice. Who he wants to sleep with is his. And how I respond to his choice is thus my choice.

If I choose to expose my body, that's my choice. If someone else chooses to use my body then it's my choice to wreak havoc upon their heads. And that's all this lanky actress did when TOI chose to publish a picture of her cleavage. So what if she exposes her body in movies? She does so because she chooses to do so and she gets highly paid too. It is her choice because it is her body. And her viewers choose to enjoy it. It's as simple as that. If a gossip-loving mud slinging paper wishes to publish pictures of various parts of her body they should have asked her first. If not then she has the right to choose to slander them and she chose to act upon that right.

And yes she sat in the front row and laughed and giggled at slutty jokes, well, again, that's her choice.  And at that moment, in the situation that she was in, she may have chosen to be amused. In another set of circumstances she may have chosen to behave differently.

That's all that it is. It's all about choices.

Every choice is suited to that moment. When the moment passes, you may sometimes look back and wish you chose differently. There isn't much you can do about that. Just look forward, gauge your situations and make your choices. Just be wise and choose wisely.

For our daughters

I normally prefer to avoid writing about political and even social issues, choosing instead to dwell on personal topics that are close to my heart, however, I feel compelled to speak up on an issue that has been tormenting our entire country for a long while now and has intensified in the past few weeks.

Being the mother of two daughters, it scares me to think of what the world is coming into. Would there be a time in our towns when a girl would be unable to venture out of her home after dark or without a guardian? Would there come a day when she would prefer to stay hidden indoors than go out and make a life for herself?

Every and whichever way we turn we hear horrifying tales of rape and torture where women of every age, any size and whatever religion is degraded and stripped of her dignity and her virtue.

The whole country rose as one to spew out its rage against the inhuman sufferings of Nirbhaya at the hands of what can only be called mad deranged evil men.

But the young tribal girls that were raped, their destroyed bodies hung from tree branches, suffered no less.

The 70 year old nun who was brutally attacked suffered no less.

The 11 year old school child suffered no less either.

And these are only the sufferings of a few that were made public.

What about the countless number of women and girls who have suffered rape, molestation and much more, but who have been forced to keep silent to spare themselves and more so their families from public humiliation? What about the torment they are forced to endure for no fault of theirs, except perhaps because they were born as the weaker sex?

And isn't it primarily because of the fact that they are weaker that they are so savagely attacked?

The world has turned so rotten that not just women but small children are viciously attacked as well and this is where we need to sit up and take a moment to understand that the children that are raped are not just girls but boys as well. Doesn't that prove that it is only because as children they are helpless and weak and incapable of self defence that they are so violently assaulted?

So isn't that why children and women are under constant physical abuse? Because they are weak?

The whole world was shocked beyond words when a rapist, in jail, had the audacity or the utter stupidity to claim that the woman he raped was tortured solely because she tried to fight him off. The claims of his so-called 'educated' lawyer stunned the world even more with his outrageous comments.

How can we stay quiet anymore?

It is time everyone reacted. It is high time we pointed out to such idiots that the we are no longer in the dark ages.

But will mere protests on the streets and slogans make the difference we badly need?

We all know how long it would take for the Government to roll its heavy wheels into action. We all know the frustration of living with a legislation that was established decades ago when the problems of those days were not the problems we face today. So, instead of waiting, instead of suffering the frustration, shouldn't we, the common public begin to do something? I'm not suggesting we take law into our own hands, far from it! I'm suggesting we consider starting from scratch.

There's an ad that runs on every channel these days advocating that men should be taught from childhood not to hurt girls. It's doubtful how far it would trickle down into the heads of those who need to be taught such lessons but it's a great place to start.

A large percentage of India's population resides in its rural areas. And a huge percentage of such crimes are found to be committed there. Poverty, lack of education, lack social skills all combined with criminal intent leads to the creation of inhuman animals on the prowl of innocent helpless victims and these monsters need to be targeted first.

Education is perhaps the first and the best step. Along with learning to read, boys, right from a young and tender age, must be taught the rights and wrongs of social living. What can be done and what should not, under any circumstances, be even thought of. His attitude towards women needs to be cultivated and developed along a positive lane.

Every man of every age should have the realisation drummed into him that there are some things that are just not acceptable and will be thoroughly punished if committed.

We need to understand that the laws are made for one reason only, to protect our interests as citizens. We need to demand protection by law. And if that fails at one point or another then the law must be committed to ensuring immediate punishment to the culprits. Punishment that is so absolute that it prevents others from committing such crimes. Or at least ensures that he thinks twice. We as concerned citizens need to constantly raise our voices in every medium possible until someone at the top finally listens and decides to do something about it.

Some claim that alcohol and drugs induce them to act out of character. That is not an excuse.

There are several organisations that encourage women to speak up on the abuse they have suffered, to take action and to take the effort of recreating their lives again. We need many many more such organisations. We need people to reach out to the far corners of the country, to touch every woman who needs help.

We need to learn, as a society, that rape is not the fault of the woman and when she speaks up we need to smother her with love and compassion and not cast her out for a crime that was committed against her.

Children are humanity's badge of innocence. They have to be protected. They cannot defend themselves. Women may be the weaker sex but they need to know that they are strong in spirit and should be taught to defend themselves.

If this is the precarious situation that society now is in then perhaps it's high time that schools introduced self defence education in their curriculum so children and especially girls are taught how to defend themselves if ever faced with an adversary. It may not be much, but who knows, it may help in a situation or two, what's wrong in being careful and taking precautions? Girls need to be taught how to help themselves if faced with such dire circumstances.

Now who am I to advocate such remedies? I'm just a nobody and definitely not an expert, and I'm sure there are several others who know what's best to be done, but I'm one of the public and if my voice can add volume to this much needed protest, then I'm shouting from the rooftop, we should all shout from the bottom of our lungs!

It is sad that the international media believes that they have to educate us on the problems that we face and have faced for many many long years. They seem to ignore the fact that such issues are rampant in their part of the world too.This is not a problem that is faced only in India. It's an issue across the world. Man chooses to behave worse than animals. Is there a solution? There should be, there has to be. It may take a long time to solve the issue but if we stand together and if we speak in one voice then every animal will be and can be and has to be crushed.

The power of prayer!

Not a dollop or an ounce or even a gram, but just a teeny weeny bit, the size of a mustard seed, that's all the faith you need. That's all the faith that God needs. The knowledge that you have just that much faith in Him.

Because faith is your true prayer. 

It isn't as easy as it sounds though. In fact it can be the most difficult thing to do. To have faith that God is with you and will take care of you and all your needs when you're at the most difficult junctions of your life. 

Often in the long road of trials and tests that is the essence of life, we give up halfway. We give in, defeated and defenceless. We allow ourselves to be battered down because we end up convinced that we're all alone. 

Nothing can be more painful than facing life on your own. But the sad part is we're not alone at all, we just don't notice that great presence right beside us, hurting along with us, wanting so much for us to turn around and realise that He can help us through it all. 

Some of us discover God during our most trying moments. We find relief in prayer. We gain strength in our belief and somehow this strength grows within us, pushing us on, never allowing us to give up. And slowly, day by day, moment by moment, we find the shadows simmering away and life becomes brighter and brighter and our hearts become lighter and lighter. 

Some people believe that they have always had an inbuilt inner confidence and positivity that drives them to face whatever life throws at them, they choose to take all the credit for themselves. Only a few of them actually realise that they have been specially touched by God right from the start, to be a role model, to prove with their lives and deeds that nothing is impossible as long as you don't stop trying. No matter how hard the going gets, just don't stop trying. 

Because eventually we regain our confidence to such an extent that we believe that nothing could possibly be too much for us. We may think it's the experiences we've gone through that's helped us grow so much, and that may be, but there's always a voice in your head that urges you on, a hand that pulls you up every time you falter and fall. Some of us may think it's our own spirit or self confidence, but those who truly know, know that it's the love of God. He can be with you and for you in any form, as long as He can help you along. As long as you let Him. 

We learn that we can indeed battle the war of life and we can definitely be the victorious for we have the greatest power at our side. And this powerful faith is what helps us live a full and complete life. A positive life. 

But we aren't complete unless we turn to God during our happiest moments as well.

When we know that if it weren't for His presence we would never have made it that far.

He loves to be with us every moment of our lives. And to know He's right with you at all times is the greatest revelation of all. 

I love to turn to Him at every turn and every moment of my life. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and my feelings with Him knowing that He would take everything in the right context. I feel so much joy every time I thank Him for the beauty of the life He has gifted me. He is my greatest friend, He is my parent, my guardian and my all. How blessed am I to have a love like His!

I go to Him every time I need or want something, anything, right from the health and happiness of my children to getting myself a new pair of earrings! And I know, once I ask something of Him I can just relax for I know that my wish would already be granted. All I need to understand, and all that everyone needs to understand and accept is it would be at His time and we should just have the patience to wait. But believe me, the wait is always worth it for no matter how long the wait, if we have faith all through, then He would give tenfold of whatever it is that is asked of Him.

Who would do that for any of us? Who would love us so much that He would give anything and everything for our happiness, as long as we believe in His love, as long as we have faith.  

The Beauty of Prayer

I have always prayed from when I was a little girl. I've gone to Sunday school though not exactly by choice. I spent my teens attending daily mass, yet again not really by choice, but my fondest memories of prayer as a child, were the few minutes I'd spent every evening with my mother at my bedside. Leaning against her shoulder as she read a story for me from my children's Bible, followed with a recitation of the Our Father and then, best of all, a few moments to speak to God directly. Those moments, with folded hands and tightly shut eyes, would be full of fervent requests and petitions- please help me remember my tables, help me avoid games and so on and so forth. But even in those tender days, I knew in my heart, if I asked, I would receive, for nothing could possibly be beyond God, the creator of everything.

Today, years later, the moments of prayer I cherish the most are when my daughters and I snuggle on the bed every night and the elder one reads a passage from the Bible and the younger one recites the Father's prayer and prays for all our family. Every evening we thank the Lord with truthful hearts for the abundant blessings He has showered upon us and for His guidance into every moment ahead.

The greatest blessing I believe I have personally been granted was having been taught from a very young age that God is with us, a kind and loving God who watches over us every moment of our lives. Who knows our every thought, who sees our every deed, and no matter how bad we are or how sinful, He never stops loving us and all He wishes is we know Him and have faith in Him.

I had been trained to pray at the end of every day and to wake with a prayer of thankfulness every morning. As a child and later in my youth such prayers had been merely ritual but as life moved on from one phase to another, I realised that the one force that remained constantly by my side was my God. He listened to me when no one else did. He stood by me when everyone else brushed me away. He just wouldn't let me fall no matter how often trials and others tried to push me down. He taught me to have faith not just in Him but in myself, because He has absolute unquestioning faith in me.

I don't claim to spend long hours each day in prayer and meditation. I am incapable of such patient continuous focus. But I'm a talker and my regular conversation with God is my way of prayer. Every moment I get free I talk to Him. It could be while I'm cooking or driving. Or praying. I just talk. I tell Him of my day, not that He doesn't know but I still share. I reveal my fears and share my dreams. I tell Him of all my disappointments and hopes, and I thank Him for taking care of me and my family and everyone I love for I know His presence is our greatest shield, the only shield we need.

To me, the greatest beauty of prayer however is that I can also grumble and complain and bicker and squabble at Him and He would just grin and wait patiently till I settled down. He would never take offence. He would never hold a grudge. He would never reciprocate in kind with anger or rage.

At first I would feel horrible every time I took my rage out on my God, and it took me a while to understand that He doesn't mind at all because He knows what my heart truly is. And what a relief it is to let go of every frustration, to let out all that anger, to reveal my insecurities, or to just cry my heart out when depression and stress gets too much for my weak shoulders to bear. And if you can do all that with someone you can trust completely, someone you have total faith in, someone who wouldn't misunderstand you, or hate you or judge you then what more could you possibly want?

Through the Bible He speaks to me. He shows me He hears me when He takes care of my every need, He lets me know He's always there for me when He fills me with His goodness, never allowing me to dwell on the negative. He reveals His presence in my conscience and always lets me know what is right or wrong.

He is my true friend. He is my Father. My Owner. My Guide. And with Him by my side every moment of my life, I am never alone.

My God is my greatest strength. My conversation with Him is my most beautiful prayer.

The fault that is me

I won't deny, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And those who know me know this well. I would like to believe that over the years I've mellowed down, tempered with the tests and trials of time and life, but once in a while someone would come along, and more often than not it would be someone near and extremely dear, and he would whip away the blinds from eyes and present to me the person that I actually am, and I am left to cower, and bow my head in shame.

I have a set of ideals that I choose to stubbornly adhere to come what may, and woe to him who chooses to see things differently.

Being a Scorpion I then tend to attack not just my attacker but myself in the process yet am numb to the pain I inflict on myself as my focus is only on hurting back the one who had the audacity to hurt me in the first place.

I often wonder why I am the way that I am. I often try to repair myself. Improve my being. And at times I think I manage to be bearable, but then again, a change in circumstances has me right at the start once more.

My temper is vile, my tongue ferocious, my passion uncontrollable.

Some are convinced that they can restrain me, tutor me and straighten me out. Poor souls! I am my own master. I abide by own rules. Therefore I am lonely and sad many a time.

I manage to keep myself within limits by keeping most of myself to myself, therefore I may have very many acquaintances but few friends. I prefer it that way, it helps me protect others from myself. Unfortunately I love with a passion as well, and some fall prey to that apparently sweet side of me and at times I can't help myself and I reciprocate. Only the strong hearted and strong willed have managed to survive with me and by me through the years, the rest have chosen to voluntarily fall off the wagon.

Am I so terribly bad? Maybe I am my own greatest critic.

Do I have anything worthwhile within me? I doubt it but again I am my own greatest critic, but then no one knows me better than myself.

What could possibly be so wrong with me?

Well possessiveness is a trait that won't get you far and I am extremely possessive of all that I love and more over all that love me. To have another receive more favour than me from one who has my favour is beyond my ability to bear. All logic and common sense flees me during such moments.

I have often been told that I have a stubborn chin, and it shows in my nature too. If convinced about  something then it takes quite a bit to convince me otherwise.

Anger comes to me with a roaring passion and then I once more defy logic and give in to the consuming exhaustive fire of wrath.

I get no pleasure in hurting another but I derive less pleasure in being hurt. I know just which buttons to push and which levers to twist to ensure I deliver as much or more pain than I am subjected to.

The ability to use words may be a talent but to use words as a weapon is the worst form of battle and I am a master at that art.

Thus on many a long lonely evening I take a long scathing look at myself and am despised at what I am. And I wonder, would I ever get the chance to make a start anew?

And then I discovered prayer.

Prayer is the only way I manage to tame the wildness within me. Prayer is what helps me keep myself under a tight rein. Prayer is what keeps me going on, wanting to better myself for the better of others.

Through prayer I can rage and cry and yell and scream when life doesn't go the way I demand it too, and I let it all out with the absolute confidence that He who is listening and who is bearing my temper is made of way stronger stuff and has way more patience and love within Him to bear all my nonsense and still hold my hand and wipe my tears and love me more.

Through prayer I can sob and cry and give vent to pain and sorrow and know that He understands and His compassion is for me, His love is mine.

Through prayer I give thanks for the strength to keep trying, the need to keep trying, and joy when my attempts succeed, for I know, I can merely try it is He who pulls and pushes and prods me on till I actually make it.

Through prayer I understand the meaning of love, the goodness of being good and kind, the quality of selflessness and through prayer I strive to please He who never ever lets me down.

He knows me for what I am and yet He still loves me and that tells me, maybe there's hope for me after all.