What Every Other Woman Wants

Some women probably feel they're above and beyond silly sentiments hence the title of this post, so for those of you who thought I'm talking about the needs of 'the other woman', sorry but you'll have to think again because I'm talking about the, well, rather many things most women want, expect and definitely hope to have from the man they choose to love.

And believe me I'm talking not just from my own personal view but from conclusions drawn over years of innumerable discussions on related topics with many many members of the fairer sex and with many many unfortunately ignorant men as well!

So if you're a guy and you believe you love a woman and if, from the heart, you wish to be her every happiness then maybe this post will help.

I guess we all know that every relationship needs continuous, consistent and constant efforts for sustenance and growth. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you can rest easy, believe me, no self-respecting woman will suffer negligence! Therefore be prepared to be on your toes most of the time!

Always remember that she could have chosen to be with any man but she chose to be with you. So there is definitely a lot about you that meets with her approval, but that doesn't make your job any easier because for her to stay on with you is eventually in your own hands. Also, on the many madly frustrating occasions that you're tempted to just throw everything to the winds and walk away, remember you chose to love her too so there's a lot to her that you adore, that you may never find in anyone else. Thus, if she truly matters then everything about her has to matter too. You cannot be selective.

The one thing you need to do is take the effort to understand her, and almost everything else will fall in place.

I know this is perhaps beyond the greatest capacities of most average men but believe yourself to be beyond average.

Remove yourself from your shoes and try wearing hers for a change.

A tip to make this easier - think not with the head but with the heart.

Her needs, her thoughts and her feelings will then appear quite simple and not the complicated complexities that you thought them to be. So drag in deep breaths, call forth all your patience, sit down, hold her in your arms and listen, yes, actually listen, to what she has to say. Don't listen only to find points to push your case, listen so that you can figure out what her case is all about.

And that brings us to the one thing you will then need to have in abundance, patience.

She will have a hundred issues and most of them will probably seem absurdly ridiculous to you, she will probably bring them up at the most importune of moments, and those are the very moments when you need to have infinite patience.

You may believe that you have far better things to do with your time and you may itch to walk away and stay away till she comes back to her senses. These are normal male reactions to such situations, but this is where I plead that you remember you love her.

If you chose to be happy with her then you must accept that you will have to work at keeping her happy too.  I've seen many men holler and yell and be outright rude, creating irreparable messes when all that was needed was some patience. Shutting her out, ignoring her and worst of all, abusing her will only push her away in ways you will later regret.

Now most men would claim that she pushed them to such levels. That she started the fight. That she egged him to lose control. Well, all I can say is, you're not in the eighth grade anymore. Who cares who started it all when you contributed to it too?? In the end it doesn't matter who started an argument, what matters is that the two of you work together to end it, because eventually both of you will either suffer or rejoice. Not one alone is ever the loser.

Of course no one is perfect and there will definitely be occasions when you will lose control and you would probably let loose far more steam than you should. If you ever regret the way you behave, then make sure you let her know. If you feel remorse then apologise. Once again remember this is the woman you love, the woman who loves you too. There is no shame in apologies but they must be sincere, don't apologise just for the sake of it, it won't mean a thing. If she loves you she'll know if you're true.

No ego should come in the way of love. You don't want to end up alone with just your bloated ego for company. Most relationships suffer tremendously because one partner chooses to value their ego more than the other. That's a downhill road for sure. Avoid it under all circumstances.

If you believe you love her, do not hesitate to give your heart to her. Take the risk. That's what being in love is all about. You may fear getting hurt, you may be tempted to keep a bit of you to yourself. Whatever for?

If she has unhesitatingly given you all that she is then by all means let her own your soul. Allow her to know your imperfections. Let her see your visions, let her read your thoughts and dream your dreams. Let her be your partner in every way. Share everything that you are. Be a couple. Truly.

But don't let it be all about you always. Encourage her to share all that she is too. Take the time and have the need to know her. Don't just hear her but listen to her. Don't pretend interest but be interested and if you don't really care then maybe you should think over the whole relationship, because you could not be not interested in the woman you believe you love. And remember, no woman is a fool. She will know if you're genuinely keen in all of her or just parts of her!

Don't take her lightly, but take pride in the fact that she wants to share all that she is with you, value her and let her know that you genuinely want to be a part of her.

I believe respect is the main ingredient to a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps even more necessary than love. Earn her respect and learn to respect her back. Revere her individuality. Recognise her values and respect her views. It is not mandatory that you should agree on everything. Give her her space and develop the ability to love her despite your differences. Every time you treat her unfairly, every time you choose to brush her away, you only end up losing her respect, slowly but surely. You don't want that, not if she really matters.

Value her opinions. Most women are unfortunately strongly opinionated. Suggestions, ideas and even directions will probably be delivered in abundance. You may not want it all, you may not even want any of it, but give her the benefit of your attention and don't be brash when you let her know you've decided to override her views. Some women may react badly, which brings us to the next necessity of  loving a woman the way she needs to be loved.

Every woman has an Achilles heel. I mean, there'll be a way to reach within each woman, going past her complexities and winning her over. And may I point out here that sex is definitely the one way it definitely is not.

Some women understand logic, some just need tenderness. Some need explanations, others want expressions, some honesty, others kindness and so on. Take the time to figure out the route to her soul, it's for your own good. You need her to be on your side. And she needs to be made aware of how important she is to you.

It won't hurt to do it the one way it will work because it can't and won't work the way you want it to.  If you choose not to take the effort, she will withdraw. And where there was once heat and passion there will be just silence. Silence from a woman, any woman, is not a good sign. You may believe you achieved your goal but nope, you would have actually lost much more because you would have convinced her that you don't care, and she will draw into herself and away from you.

Aggression may seem the manly option, but you will not be bulldozing your will on her, you will be bulldozing her way away. You may believe that your way works because she's stopped arguing, she's adjusted to your preferences and she's given up her take, believe me her take is not the only thing she would have given up on and the only reason she's still with you is not out of helplessness but love. And love does not survive on its own. So for both your sakes meet her halfway.

There will be countless times when she will annoy you beyond belief. Have the heart to forgive her. Because, yes! she's the woman you love!!

Now no matter how mature, or sensible or levelheaded, or practical she is, there is one thing every woman loves. And that's none other than some mushy romance. So you're not romantic? You don't believe in birthdays or Valentine's? Flowers and gifts are a waste of time? Fine. But do those things matter to her? If they do and if she's made you aware of it then it won't hurt to take the effort once in a while to do things her way. I'm talking of just a day or two in a year, is that so difficult to do? Just because she doesn't say anything anymore does not mean it doesn't matter anymore, it just means she loves you enough to choose to honour your take. She cares so much for you that she's sacrificing the little joys she actually longs for. All I ask, would it hurt to go out of the way and do something for her in a way you know she would enjoy? After all.. uh huh, she's the woman you love! Don't just claim you would do anything to keep her happy, go out there and do as you preach.

Now some men do take efforts. They do go out of their way and they do care to be giving. The glow on their woman's face is testimony to the efforts they took.

But some men don't really bother to find out if it's what she would like. Nope, they just go ahead and do what they 'think' is best for her. Listen up, she's no idiot. She's not a dummy to be moulded to suit your tastes and preferences. She's a living, breathing, thinking individual who has pretty much a clear idea of what she is and what she wants. Does she really matter to you? Then take the time to find out what she would like, how she would want to be loved, where she would love to go, honour her sentiments, at least once in a while, and realise for yourself what your effort means to her. Besides it's not just the effort but the thought behind it as well.

Be it a romantic candlelit dinner, handpicked flowers, or a quiet walk down the beach.

Even the smallest thing can go a mile.

You may not believe in birthdays, and celebrations may seem like a chore you're forced to repeat every year.  Dates may easily be moved about to suit conveniences. Don't push it till she's given up hope and has accepted that this is all she is to get. Doesn't she deserve more? Don't just do anything, do something that will actually make a difference. Not just once, but once in a while.

If you love her, she mustn't be made to wait, if she needs you then everything else needs to wait.

Some guys then claim that she is never satisfied and demands all their time and attention especially when they have far more important things to do. Really??

Do not take her or her love for granted. How many women have loved you the way she does?

Many men declare their woman to be their biggest priority yet they constantly fail to place her needs above everything else. Which beggars the question, what exactly does he mean then? Most of the time, her needs are put aside for others. Perhaps because he is confident he will always have his tomorrows with her. How sure are you that there will even be a tomorrow? What can be done today should and must be done today. Grab every opportunity you can to love her. Does she restrict her love for you? If not then she deserves the same in return.

Some men believe that they're doing their best and they point-blank refuse to do anything more. Believe me if you were doing your best she would be the happiest woman ever. If she's not happy then perhaps your best isn't good enough and you need to do more. Which then leads men to claim that she's never satisfied. Stop for a moment and think things over. You're probably doing what you want and believe to be the best for her, try doing what she would like for a change.

Promises can easily be made without hesitation, and if you've made a promise don't just make it but keep it. If she demands to know why she's been kept waiting on something she'd been promised, don't see her as demanding, aggressive, greedy, selfish and everything else. Point being, women take promises seriously. If you have no intention of living up to them then don't promise her anything. She will hold you up to it, whether you like it or not.

Now my next point is very important, so pay attention, humour works at bettering relationships, of course. But laugh with her, not at her. She's not in a relationship with you to entertain you. And if she's upset and in no mood for laughter then the last thing she needs is a joke on her. If the need is hers then give her the sentiment she needs not the one you want to give.

Don't be judgemental. Don't let one or two instances rule your opinion of her. She deserves better. Surely there would be hundreds of instances where she's proved her worth.

Know your woman. Express your affection in every way you can, but most importantly in ways that you know she enjoys. If she loves to be hugged or kissed or if she just loves holding your hand then give in to her, at least once in a while. Her smile would make it worth it.

No relationship is without arguments or fights. And there will be times when she throws her hands up. If you really do love her, don't let her go. Pride should not come in the way. Let her know you need her, that you won't let her go. That may be all that she's needing too. If she always has to keep coming back on her own, you may believe you're winning, but believe me you're not. She's giving in, not just to you but to herself. And eventually there will come a time when she doesn't turn around and you'll be left waiting in vain.

Some men actually think they're superior. They like to prove that they 'wear the pants' in the relationship. Nonsense is the one word I have for that.

In today's day and age. every individual, man or woman, is equal. Respect must be mutual. Love is to be shared. Give her her due and she will give you yours. You are two different people from different backgrounds, families and pasts. Value the fact that you are together today despite it all. Accept that you have different tastes, likes and interests. Enjoy the various and myriad things you are fortunate to share a similar take on. Take pride in the fact that a beautiful, talented and intelligent woman has committed herself to you. If she enjoys movies then let her be, she probably doesn't bother you when you're watching the news. If she lets you sleep early while she reads in bed then let her sleep in when you awake early. Some men take years to figure all this out and that's a shame.

Just because she dresses the way you like, or allows you to advise and guide her, doesn't mean she's weak. She chose to value your tastes and opinions, value her for that.

And that brings us to yet another major player in relationships, money. Yes, money unfortunately plays a big role in most relationships and often it's the role of the villain. Women have this inbuilt need to be taken care of. However independent or professionally successful she may be, she relishes the belief that she has a man to take care of her. She cherishes the security. It's a part of her chemistry. If you can afford to give then give and give wholeheartedly. Do not place limits. Does she limit the love she has for you? If you believe she is your partner then she has every right to you and all that you are and all that you have. But if you believe you deserve her gratitude in return then please don't bother giving. Because if you want her to be grateful then how much of gratitude should you express in return for all the love and all the sacrifices and all the thousands of things she willingly gives to you? Right from satisfying the needs of your body to fulfilling the urges of your soul. Just because some things cannot be evaluated doesn't mean they have no value so don't put a price tag to everything you do.

There will be a million things that you don't like about her but there are obviously a zillion more things that you absolutely adore in her. Many men constantly harp on the imperfections but fail to mention the good things, they actually expect her to figure that part out on her own. Big mistake. If you can tell her what you can't stand about her then you have to balance it with clarity on what you love about her. If not then don't bother saying anything at all because if it's always all negative she will eventually lose faith in your love for her. You may enjoy being the critic, but criticism especially when dressed with sarcasm is painful, more so when it is not countered with even the slightest of appreciation.

As they say, wild flowers grow in lavish abundance without assistance or care, but a beautiful rare orchid needs daily attention to bloom and blossom, likewise, if you've been lucky enough to have a wonderful woman then she has to have your attention. Your relationship with her needs to be valued and treated with importance.

Some relationships are buried under the mundane dullness of everyday living. Take the effort to bring love and affection into everything you share and do. Keep the romance alive and the passion burning. And not just in bed!

I'ms sure many men would probably find this post rather unfair, all I say is remember the woman you love. Remember the many many things she's done for you and for your relationship. Remember the joys you share. The happiness she brings you. Has she been there for you to hold your hand, to listen to you, to care and to love when you needed it all? Has she smiled with pride at your successes? Has she been your strength and comfort at your time of despair? Has she been a voice of support and sense when you needed guidance? Has she dropped everything to be with you at your time of need? Has she put aside her needs so you could happily satisfy yours? Has she respected your opinions and ignored her own? Are you convinced that you own her heart? Then maybe you'll agree that it's high time you let her know she would always rule in yours.

You are not competing with her to prove who is stronger or who is more dominant. You are in love with her and you want to have a beautiful life with her. Don't demand that she be the perfect person for you, work to be the perfect person for her. Isn't that what love is all about? Tweak yourself a bit and she will dedicate her life and heart to you. What more do you really want?

Reminiscing the pleasant and the not so pleasant

It's been a month into the new year and I finally got the time to take a look back, to reminisce over the year that's just turned the corner and to be honest I'm quite glad to see it go. It wasn't such a great year for me personally with every other day filled with more downs, or should I say shocking disappointments, than ups. Perhaps the greatest highlights of the year was the brilliant success of my daughter in her board exams, and of course the beautiful little book she made for me for Christmas. Each page citing reasons as to why she loved me so much! That is now my prized treasure. This little book in fact, gave me the very boost I'd so badly needed, for it told me in so many ways that I was needed and loved and worth being loved. It pulled me back on to my feet and taught me to look forward on to the new year with a new ray of hope.

There is a certain strength that grows within us over the years, with each test we face and overcome, but along side that there's a haunting desire to be able to depend on someone, to have that one person on whom we can weigh our trust, who is worthy of our faith and has the shoulders to bear our aches, and allow us the rest we so badly need. The joy at the belief that you've found such a person is luminous! But when that person turns out to be just another ordinary human being with selfish needs and ambitions like any other then we're left stranded yet again, groping in the dark, searching for the light at the end of the dark tunnel that had been so bright just a moment back.

2015 was without doubt a dark tunnel in my life and I'm hoping that this new year we're now in will somehow lead me to the light. I'm still groping but I'm also hoping.

One of my previous posts had been on relationships, marriages actually. And the response I'd got from so many readers was overwhelming. Almost 8 of every 10 couples I know are sadly not really happy. They aren't even compatible in most ways. But they make do with the almost non-existent little they have or they turn to the sly for a little bit of comfort. And I'm left wondering, don't they realise they have just one life? Aren't they throwing it all away just to be spared from the viciousness of society? Or for the sake of family? And eventually, at the end of the day, their lives will surely pass them by, leaving them old and helpless and extremely lonely with that one person they have never really loved.

Some claim they stick together for the sake of the children. But tell me, how are the daily arguments, the heavy angry silences, the constant tension filled atmosphere helping the kids out? Trust me children sense a lot more of the undercurrents than you would like to believe. In fact they would be grateful to come to a happy home that is in peace, though it may be sans a parent. Of course, how you go about it is what matters. Take them through the separation step by step, let them know and understand that it's what's best for all. Throwing it into their faces may be a deadly blow that they would have to bear all their lives.

We as parents give our all for our children, and forget to save a little bit for ourselves. Big mistake. Within a few years they'll sprout healthy wings and fly far far away. Then what would you be left with? A companion you don't want, and probably don't like and definitely don't love.

There are however relationships that are perhaps in not such a cancerous state. Where the partners get along well enough. There's enough of companionship and pleasant sex to keep things going. Such relationships are far more common than any other. Are they happy? Maybe. Is there love? Probably. Will they be together forever? Definitely. Are they faithful to each other? Doubtful. One or the other will want a spark on the side to light up an occasional fire. That extra bit of colour in an otherwise rather greyish existence. This spark may be everything they look forward for, but if it actually comes down to making a choice, they chicken out and opt effortlessly to that ordinary life without the spice of passion, knowingly giving up the one real chance they have at true love.

I guess all I'm trying to say is we all have just one life, so why not make the most of it? Why not try to fill it with the greatest of riches, the richness of true love? Why knowingly waste it all away on the wrong person? Only to look back with regret at the love you chose to reject because you didn't have the courage to choose what was best for you, for everyone.

Oops! Now why did I go down this road? I'd started off on a completely different topic!! Anyway, getting back to concluding what I'd actually started..

Last year as I said, had lead me through a series of very personal blows. Each blow hitting harder than the former. Believe me, there's nothing more painful than being let down. Being put in a place that was below where you thought you actually belonged. Nothing more painful than the realisation that the one you'd hoped loved and respected you the most, actually saw you to be far worse than you saw yourself! And I thought I was my worst critic! Thankfully a tiny book saved me. I won't allow myself to be crushed. I call upon the phoenix within me and pull all my strength together, determined not to let anyone undermine the value I place in myself. There's a little girl growing to a beautiful woman who looks up to me and I will never let her down. Besides I have help too.

My faith in God is great. No matter who lets me down and leaves me there, He will not let go of His grip on me. So holding on to that mighty hand, I move forward, ready and prepared to take on every punch that this year may throw in my face, for when He has me in His arms how can I possibly fall? He will lead me to the end of the tunnel, and unto that glorious light that I know I deserve. And on that note here's wishing you all and myself a wonderful blessed year ahead!!

Ennu ninde Moideen

A small village. A muslim boy. A Hindu girl. Both from prestigious families and of course the usual happens. They fall in love.

Families are naturally outraged and defiantly object. And with equal defiance the pair choose to remain committed to each other.. Sounds stereotyped already right? Well now picture that scenario in the mid-fifties, where caste and religion played the one major role in everyday living.

Turn to look at the boy and see a confident, active communist, sportsman, actor and an over all hero. Look further and you'll see the girl, a smart intelligent medical student who stood her ground against racialism in her class at a time when higher professional education for girls was a rare luxury. Be with her as the love of a man she admires for his ideals is revealed to her, through innocuous brilliant efforts. And thus allow yourself to drown in their story. The story of Moideen and Kanchana.

A tale that weaves through over two decades of heartache and so much love.

A tale where two youngsters choose patience over passion, and decide to wait till the incessant storms pass over.

A tale that narrates the faith the couple had in each other and their relentless need for each other despite fears and threats of social discord.

A tale that tells of a man who respected the wishes of the woman he loved and waited for years, only because that was what she desired.

Witness the depths of love of a woman who allowed her family to imprison her in the confines of her home for years on end.

Perceive the lives of a desperate couple that tried and tried again to attempt at a life together and never gave up despite each thwarted effort.

Too mushy? Too filmy maybe?

Well, what if this really happened?

What if, way back in the fifties there were indeed two young people whose only fault was that they fell in love at a time and an age when it was unheard and almost criminal to wed across castes and definitely impossible to even imagine from another faith.

Isn't it then a story worth telling? And this story has indeed been sensitively told ensuring that the young lovers steal a bit of your heart along the way.

What perhaps is amazing about this tale is how they never chose to give up. Despite all odds.

Their only reiteration to their love were the letters that were smuggled to and fro with the help of the few that supported them.

Brilliant was the language they created to prevent the letters being read if caught.

But again, mostly touching was the fact that they stayed faithfully and deeply in love and apart for over twenty years.

Only to not be united at all.

Believe me, if you have a touch of romance in your heart this story will not fail to move you.


R S Vimal's attempt to bring immortality to this beautiful love story is definitely a great work of art.


Natural and captivating are the performances of Prithviraj in the role of Moideen and Parvathi as the pretty Kanchana.

Rain, as in most Indian romances these days, plays a vital role here as well.

Beautifully balancing the pain is the humor that is seamlessly added to the movie.

The songs and the background score have done absolute justice to the movie, dedicated to one of the greatest love stories that Kerala can claim as her own.

Every character has done justice to their roles but eventually our attention and our hearts remain with Moideen and Kanchana.

Especially when you know that the real-life Kanchana still lives in Moideen's home as his unwed widow and he still lives in her heart as her eternal lover.

Definitely worth watching. And knowing that all of it, every bit of it, actually took place all those years ago, does indeed light a small spark of hope within oneself. That there still may be hope for us after all. That we too may find that one true love who not just loves but respects and accepts you for who you are, and who promises to be yours until the end of time, come what may.

As Moideen says of his beloved, 'She does indeed have a beautiful face, but she has a far more beautiful heart.'

And she in turn says of him, 'I love him a thousand and hundred thousand times more than you can possibly imagine and I know he loves me a million fold more than that.'

It's so easy to utter such words, but this couple proved to the world that their promise to each other to be the other's was the greatest thing in the world for them and that they would do, and actually did do everything to live by that.

The script captures the essence of their love, while depicting the social instability and inequality of those long ago days. This movie is a definite must see and the director, R S Vimal deserves a round of applause. So too do the lead pair.

What better way could such a story of love be made immortal than dedicating it to all generations as a movie?

Ennu Ninde Moideen

For better or for worse. Really?

There's one thing I'd really like to know, how do you make it work?

Amidst the regular exchange of gossip, gibberish and heartache during a recent stress busting chat with a girlfriend I suddenly joked that I'd wished I were gay, if only so I would have a partner who understood me. Maybe I reasoned, if we were of the same sex then we'd understand each other better? Honestly, I so envy the couples that actually make it work, gay or not, and I wonder, how do they do it?

Trust me it's tough being stuck with people who absolutely refuse to even attempt to understand you, yet who selfishly expect you to live selflessly by their terms. But looking around me I realise that there are actually so many people living just like that. On the terms of another. Putting their own emotions, needs, wishes and everything else on hold. Giving in to the aggressive demands of the stronger partner, perhaps because they are too dependent, or maybe because confrontation scares them or maybe because there's still too much of love within them to do what's sensible - value themselves and move on, with their heads held high.

Yet there are indeed a few that are brave enough to take the call. To decide that they've had enough. And they choose to face the storm and move on, come what may. I applaud them. For they opt not just to listen to their own hearts but to walk alone, against the norms and stipulations of society, family, friends and everyone else.

Such individuals, a few that I am lucky to call friends, have gone ahead and decided that they've had enough. That heartache and suppression and pain and disappointment and most of all the disrespect is just beyond what they deserve.

Why are there so many failed relationships?

What is it that comes between two loving hearts?

Why is it that a relationship that starts off so beautifully eventually ends up in such a painful disaster?

I've often had the opportunity of being with both hurt parties and each has his or her points to stress upon. And in most times I've seen that nothing is sudden. Most break-ups are the result of long suffering situations where eventually the sufferer decides she or he has had enough. And the other is left wondering what went wrong yet still refusing to accept any responsibility.

In most cases, I've come to understand that ego is the culprit.

Ego pulls the blinds down and prevents you from seeing the pain you're causing the one you claim you love.

Ego prevents you from apologizing, even when you know you've done wrong.

Ego demands you be understood even when you fail to understand.

Ego forces you to point your finger at the other and refuses to notice that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at you.

Ego tells you you're perfect and that you can do no wrong and thus ensures you screw up the most precious relationship you have.

Ego demands that you hurt the one person you love the most and eventually you're left all alone, just you and your ego.


Another sad factor is that most partners take it upon themselves to decide what is best for the other.

They refuse to accept that their partner probably wants something else completely.

A friend of mine sat me down and told me blatantly that he had always bought his wife the best of jewelry and clothes, that he ensured he cleaned the house (and her wardrobe!), and in his mind this raised him to the status of a perfect husband. He failed to see that she wanted something else totally. Her needs from her man went far beyond a clean kitchen. It did not even occur to him to even try and understand what her needs were. Yet his biggest complaint was that she failed to understand his needs.

Could that be what is going wrong? Are we taking it upon ourselves to decide what is best for the other rather than trying to understand the partner's needs and work on trying to fulfil them?

But then there is another couple that I know well and know for a fact that she goes out of her way to give in to him totally. Allowing him to dictate the terms of their relationship. Faithfully placing the responsibility of her happiness in his hands, under the absolute belief that he would never let her down.

He takes it all but fails to deliver.

His excuse is she's too demanding.

Could that be what is wrong then? Do we demand too much? Much more than we deserve? But then who draws the line on what is deserving?

And then again there's another pair that I know where she has sole responsibility of caring for the children, the home, the finances, all of it. He comes and goes as he pleases. His excuse? Fate. To me it's just plain selfishness.

Maybe that's it then. We're all selfish. We're all thinking of just ourselves. Our own pleasures. Our own needs. And when the needs of one clashes with the needs of the other all hell breaks loose.

How do you strike the right balance?

Why is it so difficult to understand that a relationship can never be one-sided. It's a partnership.

If you want to take then you need to know how to give. And not just give what you want to give but give what the other wants to take.

No one is forced to be committed to another. If someone sticks by you through thick and thin then it is because she chooses to. There is nothing weak in that. If she chooses to move on then there's nothing weak in that either.

Another sad player in the ruin of a relationship is - money.

If she's a working woman then he often allows insecurity and ego to seep in, if she is totally dependent on him then he allows arrogance and authority to rule. And if she chooses to question him then all hell breaks loose. And if she's the sole earning partner then he often ends up seeming weak and dependent and that wreaks havoc on his ego especially if she makes it a point to appear superior.

At times, money problems just add to the existing mess, making it even worse to work things out.

And maybe another major fact that needs to be considered is that often, in relationships, each partner is totally dependent on the other for their own happiness. They fail to comprehend that their happiness eventually lies solely in their own hands. Not in the hands of their parents, siblings, friends, children or even their partner. Everyone can contribute to the happiness of another but cannot and should never take total responsibility. I should be able to decide that come what may I will be happy and no one should have the power to take that away from me. I should believe that I have the right to make myself happy and I don't really need anyone else taking that effort for me.
Once we actually understand that then I believe that a lot of problems and issues would die away.

I have always believed that respect is what holds two people together more than anything else, even love. If you respect another, then you will be able respect her wishes, her needs and most of all her feelings. You would never be able to purposefully hurt her, and in case you do then you should be committed to recompensing the pain.

Schools prejudiced against autism

I thought long and hard and for days before finally deciding to go ahead with this post. The one thing that convinced me to write this was the fact that if I didn’t then who would?  Moreover a small piece I had published on my website on a similar thread of the same subject brought me a lot of favorable and I should say, sympathetic feedback, which has given me the courage to open up some more.

So here goes.

Now for what I have to say to make any sense I will need to start at the beginning so please bear with me.

My younger daughter, now ten years old, was diagnosed with baseline autism at the tender age of 18 months.

I confess it didn’t come as much of a shock, I had had a stressed pregnancy and was still in a lot turmoil when we were hit with the news, so we just took it in our stride as yet another blow we had to face.

From the age of two, my sweet little baby had to attend daily speech and communicative therapy sessions, and she would go for her classes, equipped with her feeding bottles and diapers. The therapy centre was a 40 minute drive from home, but the therapists were dedicated and enthusiastic and every effort was worth it.

 For three years, Acsah attended intensive therapy and slowly but surely started to respond. She began to answer to her name, recognise images and people, learnt and remembered words and even began to formulate 2 to 3 worded sentences.

We learnt along with her. Understanding that she was never to be left alone in her own space, that she had to be forced to maintain eye contact, and that she had to be dealt with oodles of patience and oodles and oodles of love.

And much that we learnt, we learnt from her.

Until then, patience had never been one of my virtues but my little girl taught me that she had a will of her own and I had to be patient and kind if I wanted her to abide by mine.

By the time she was five, she was responding beautifully to therapy and we were told that she was now ready to try regular schooling.

Needless to say we were very apprehensive. But during those very days there was an article in the papers on a school called Rina's Shiksha Niketan http://www.rinashikshanikethan.com that was apparently different in its outlook and methods of education. They claimed to teach children differently and they accepted all children. We went to the school and presented our case and the patience and kindness with which we were received built our hope. Thus Acsah was enrolled there. Little did we know how badly things would crash in just a few years.

Acsah did extremely well in the first two years at the school, and every school report was filled with glowing reports of her developments and abilities.

But by the third year at the school things slowly began to change.

Every meeting, and these were monthly review meetings, were filled with complaints about my child. 

Acsah shouts in class.

She refuses to sit in her place during classes.

She sings in class.

She distracts the other students with all the noise she makes.

The complaints were never ending. And the school authorities made each problem seem so traumatic and criminal that I was always left at a loss at what to do.

We are talking of a 7 year old child in kindergarten, a child with baseline autism, a condition where restlessness, bursts of noises, and singsong chants are just a few of its basic symptoms. On patient and polite yet intensive questioning we finally came to understand that these were not daily regular occurrences but one off incidents. And honestly I was so glad that she was not aggressive nor violent but was in fact a passive and peaceful child. However her minor imperfections were major issues. How was I to tell my child that she was not to make noises or disrupt the class? And I was left wondering, shouldn't the teachers have a basic awareness about her condition and a knowledge on how they need to handle her at such times?

Any attempts of trying to tell the teachers that they should gently try to control her in class as and when she caused an issue were roughly brushed aside. We tried to explain that Acsah recognised and obeyed authority so all they needed to be was a bit firm. Kind but firm. All our pleas were of no avail. Instead we were clearly told by Rina, the Principal, that we should see a doctor and think about putting my child on medication to soothe her down.

Thankfully, I was determined that my child did not need to be medicated, because frankly, there is no medical cure for autism. In our desperation we opted for homeopathy instead. And it did help, a bit.

At the end of the third year, her notebooks remained new and mostly untouched with just a few pages, here and there, filled with illegible scribbles and that was the extent of a full year of her education at this school and yet, despite all the hostility that the teachers expressed, my little girl loved her school. She would wake up at 6am without any trouble and happily leave for school dressed proudly in her uniform, delighted to be with her friends, children she had no idea how to communicate with yet loved to be around with.

Knowing her need to be with the other children, we risked yet another year at the school. But by the end of this year we knew we didn't have a choice, we had to pull her out. The child was neglected, she was literally abandoned and was treated with so much hostility by the teachers it made my heart break. I knew how much she would miss the school, but I just wasn't given a choice.

Following our decision to leave the school we came to learn from several other parents of differently abled children studying in the same school, that they too faced similar hostile situations and they too were pulling their children out.

After much deliberation on what step to take next and not wanting to end up with a similar problem again, we finally decided to approach the well known +Choice School Cochin http://www.choiceschool.com having heard that they were sympathetic to children with disabilities and even had a dedicated department for students with studying disorders and autistic conditions.

The first round of meetings with the teachers and the Principal went really well. Until they met Acsah. And then they pulled their brakes. They admitted they had no issues with the child. They agreed that her problems were minimal and could easily be dealt with. They however, and after repeated follow-ups, eventually let out that they could not take her because she was too tall.

Yes I know, I was stumped too.

True Acsah was almost 5'5"ft in height at the age of 9. Both my daughters have been blessed with good height.

But how could her height be her fault?

They claimed that her height would make other children wary of her and she would end being avoided and alone. And this, they insisted, would disrupt her development. As teachers, don't they know that children are blissfully ignorant of such stupid social discriminations? In fact, all through her life, children, both big and small, have treated Acsah with far more compassion and care than any adult. But what were we to say?

The decision had clearly been made and there was nothing we could do. We couldn't force them to take her in. I could have opted to use major influence, political or likewise, and demand she be admitted to the school, but I was scared that that would just incur the wrath of the teachers and the Management and I did not want my baby to suffer negligence yet again. It was obvious that they didn't want her.

Thus we ended up at square one. Again.

It was as though fate was against her, or as I chose to believe, God had a different and better plan for her.

Thankfully it was at that time that we heard of a new school, +Spring Fielding, started specifically to help children with learning disabilities.

Acsah has been with them for over a year now and has group classes, individual one on one classes, occupational therapy and a whole lot of attention. She now spells words, writes and reads, adds numbers and knows subtraction as well.

Yes, the improvement within just a year is immense, proving that with just the right help children like Acsah can go a long way.

But the fact remains, she misses her old school. She misses the bustle and fun of being and growing with other children. She misses the normalcy she badly deserves to lead a simple ordinary life. A life that every other child takes for granted. Not a day goes by when she asks if she could go back to the old school. Unable to explain why she can't, we just say that she's too old for that school. She counters that with a request to be small again. And I'm at a loss on how to respond to that.

Her greatest treasure is a class picture of her in kindergarten. There are about 25 children in the picture and around 8 teachers, including the school principal. And she would point at each face and call out each name. Even today, a year and half after she left the place.

And every time I see her openly longing to go back, my heart aches with helplessness.

Therefore, as a parent I am forced to declare that when such small-town schools claim to be kind and open and understanding to children with problems they're just blatantly lying. And in today's day and age, when such unfortunate disabilities are getting more common than ever before, it's just sad that schools don't care. It's so easy to educate children that are just normal, what counts is when the special children are treated as just that, special, with every bit of care and understanding. When schools such as these, that claim to do all they can for children like my Acsah, still shut their doors on their innocent faces when it comes down to harsh reality, one can only wonder in desperation, would there ever be such a day when they actually mean what they say?

Thus my experience has taught me, that ordinary teachers in such so-called extraordinary schools are unfortunately terribly ignorant about children with special needs. We don't demand that they cater to every child that lands on their doorstep, but if the child has even a percentage of a chance to improve, then doesn't that child deserve the opportunity to at least try? Doesn't that child have a right to a normal childhood in a normal school? Don't the teachers and the schools have a duty to oblige? Shouldn't they be trained to understand and handle such requirements? And not merely wash their hands off with the silliest of reasons? I know that mine is just a knock on a wall that may never be torn down but at least I tried. I owe my daughter that much.

My personal commandments

Many of us go through life at a random pace, reacting and behaving instinctively to situations. At least that was how I had been until fairly recently. I would allow myself to bend and adjust to each situation or react wildly and madly and often I would allow life and fate and others get the better of me.

I would suffer blows, pull myself up only to suffer more blows, life was often just survived and not really lived. In fact, I strongly believed that my happiness was in the hands of another until I allowed life to be my teacher and ever since, I have learnt some great lessons. I am now slowly tutoring myself to implement these lessons as principles for a better living, and honestly, I find myself more at peace these days than I did in a long time.

1. My happiness is my responsibility. 

How wonderful it would have been if someone would just take over the responsibility of doing everything possible to make you happy. It's a great dream but that's all it is, a dream. No one knows better of what makes you happy other than yourself. And no one would bother beyond a limit to ensure you're always smiling. Why? Well, that's because their happiness matters more to them than yours. So, buck up and take charge of your life. Realise that it's your own choice whether you would allow yourself to be happy or not. Whether you would allow yourself to be affected or influenced by the actions or decisions of another, by the twists and turns of fate, or even by your own moods.

2. My peace of mind is my responsibility

Believe me, no one, no matter how much they claim to love or care, no one really bothers about your peace of mind. If you are not at peace, you're the only one troubled, no one else is affected. So think long and hard before you blow out your mind's tranquility. Wouldn't it be far better to just take a deep breath, think better thoughts and move on?

3. Always ensure self respect.

Never stoop too low, never bend way over, never give in so much that you lose your own identity. It won't hurt to give in or bend over for someone who matters, especially if it makes them happy but don't lose yourself in the process. At the end of the day, if you have no respect for yourself then how can you expect the respect of others?

4. Do not be selfish. Except at times.  

What goes around, comes around. Good or bad. It's great to do all you can for another, but not at any cost. Some times some things are just not worth the effort. So don't be naive, and choose wisely.

5. Give away as much love, kindness, goodness and time as possible.

It won't hurt to be kind, it definitely won't matter if you spend time with those who love and need you. You lose nothing, in fact you gain so much the more you give, but only if you give without expecting or wanting anything back in return.
There's nothing wrong in doing what you can for another, but remember, never should it be at the cost of your own happiness. Do not be a doormat.

6. There is no such thing as 'soulmates'. I belong to no one and no one is mine. There are just great companions and that too is not a necessity.

It took a while to get rid of the romantic notion that there's a soulmate out there for each and everyone. In fact it was rather a relief to realise that there's really no such thing. Some are luckier than most and get to share their lives with someone who is compatible and on the same plane. The rest just have to make do with what they get, but if our happiness and peace of mind depends on each of us then why do we need to depend on another at all? If we are with another, it should be a matter of choice, nothing else.



7. My children are my greatest priority. No sacrifice is too great if it is for them.



This is probably the mantra of every parent.







8. Accept that I am not perfect, but allow myself to be as I am. Be myself always. 

Be the person that you are. Never go out of your way to alter yourself or change yourself only to suit the requirements of another, they would never understand or appreciate the effort. If you change then change for the better and only because that's what you want. Do what you believe is right and good for you be it in the way you dress, speak, behave and think. Do not allow anyone else define the person that you are. If you live on the terms of another, it should be because you choose to do so. Do not let anyone else be supreme over you. That is God's sole right.
Do not look in the mirror and find faults, look at yourself and admire what is beautiful.
Do not be afraid to reveal your weaknesses. Do not be proud about your strengths.

9. It's normal to feel angry, depressed, anxious, self righteous and many another negative emotion.

You can and probably should vent out once in a while just don't dwell on such negativity for too long. Life is too short and too beautiful to waste on such ugliness. And no one is worth ruining even a moment of your life for.

10. I'm just an ordinary person. I can't like everyone and I cannot expect everyone to like me. 

Try your best to be with those who love you and whom you love. Be patient with the rest. But treat one and all with respect. Apologise if you go wrong or make a mistake. Express gratitude for everything anyone does for you.

11. Be dependent only on God and believe that you have the strength to live your life the way you choose.

At the end of the day, your life is yours alone. How you live it is your choice. Enjoy your own company and realise that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, you can be your best friend.

12. Always be grateful to God for the glory that is life. 

God loves you. Believe that there is always a rainbow beyond the cloud. That there's always a positive side to everything negative. That everything, every single thing in life happens for your own good, because God is the way and He is the only one, who knows better than you, what is best for you.

Ok Kanmani! Double OK!!!

There was a time, a very long time ago, when I used to wallow happily in cheesy paperbacks and cry shamelessly through every romantic flick I could get my hands on.  I had marched happily into my teens with the firm belief that one day not too far away, romance would be mine too. But of course the realities of life quickly overtook the passions of the heart and over the years cynicism settled in.

Nowadays I find most attempts to romance as tacky and until recently I actually believed I was beyond such childishness, that I'd outgrown romance or rather, am too far gone to enjoy or even understand it anymore. All this changed when a recent movie taught me otherwise and thus I can now proudly confess that I'm a diehard romantic and I have the great director Mani Ratnam to thank, for reminding me of what I truly am!

Sure I enjoy a good mystery, I love a great comedy but I've realised that it's always the romance that takes my breath away.

Loved across the country for decades and known for his explosive hits- Roja, Bombay and many more, Mani Ratnam recently released yet another absolutely adorable movie and thus victoriously proved that he hasn't lost his magic romantic touch, not by a long yard!

There may not be much of a tale to tell in +OK Kanmani, starring +Dulquer Salmaan and +Nithya Menen but the director has taken a simple almost mundane yarn and spun out a colourful fun-filled modern scenario that could happen to anybody and is happening to many, in today's world. There's nothing extraordinary about the movie and that, surprisingly, is the beauty of it.

Happenings in today's everyday life that are becoming more commonplace than we would probably like, is depicted with a sensitivity that allows us to actually accept 'living in' relationships and premarital sex as a way of life rather than an outrage to our morals.

The movie swirls around a young couple, their chance meeting, his wooing, her flirting, their courting, their love, their choices, their decisions and yet again their love. Amidst it all is an adorable elderly couple dragged in unintentionally to support the love affair. And thus you have two different yet beautiful visions of love, young and passionate, aged and gracious, yet always infinitely deep.

A R Rahman scores yet again as the music adds just the right touch. The songs are lilting and colourfully depicted. The humour is light, genuine and infectious. Mumbai looks gorgeous, especially in the rains which must have been a tough task to achieve! And of course for the rains, any Mani Ratnam fan would know his incessant obsession with the rains and this movie has it in galore and yet not too much.

+Dulquer Salmaan essays his role effortlessly yet brilliantly while +Nithya Menen seems to easily have her viewers fall just a little bit in love with her. The pair are turning out to successfully weave magic together on screen again and yet again, proving wrong those who believed that they could be monotonous after being paired together many a time. The charm and the novelty of their partnership is unique and touching to say the least.

If you're a romantic but practical and level headed. If you live in the present times and understand and accept the take of today's generation then this movie is a must see.

I didn't think I had it in me to try a hand at reviewing movies but this movie was such fun I just had to give it a go! Do let me know if this review helped in any way!